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Forum
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-> Simcha Section
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amother
OP
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 Fri, May 03 2024, 12:47 pm
My husband grew up more yeshivish than I did and he’s still more yeshivish. I’m talking mainstream yeshiva black hat, learned in Lakewood and lived there for years. He’s used to frum simchas where everyone is separated. He lived yeshivish many years it’s a second marriage and there aren’t kids around which is why I think he wasn’t looking for yeshivish just frum. We are both frum today but I don’t come from a yeshivish background. My very modern orthodox but shomer Shabbos friends make kosher simchas but it’s not separate seating. He will come with me but I know he doesn’t like it and feels uncomfortable. When I pressed him he admitted it’s uncomfortable for him and he doesn’t like it at all but he only goes for me. Our wedding was separate and I had no issue with it, we had a few mixed tables as well and separate dancing. I don’t like mixed dancing. I have a modox engagement party and so he was going to come but I could tell he didn’t want to. He was very clear it’s only for me. Turns out my married friend’s husband can’t come bc of aveilus so I am going with her instead. He was very relieved I gave him an out. She happens to be modox but sincere. Same with her husband.
He’s never been disrespectful to me and we had many open frank discussions about all these things before marriage. I am more observant than how I was raised and I was that way when we met. The truth is in a way since he’s divorced and in some ways out of the box he’s still a yeshiva boy at heart and is uncomfortable in certain things that are very different culturally or socially. Even things like clean secular music is like foreign to him. Sometimes it’s really sweet, sometimes challenging.
I love my husband but this issue is making me sad right now. It’s not that he won’t go but when I know he’s dragging his feet I feel awful. I also feel like a sore thumb in our mostly yeshivish in town community even though some people are very nice and I made some friends. I loved and admired my husband’s commitment to Judaism and hashem. He is very sincere. I got married older and so my ideal was modern orthodox legit frum who is ok with me covering my hair etc, but it just didn’t work out that way. I always felt drawn to the more yeshivish/heimish community even as a single where I felt so out of place, I also always seemed to like more yeshivish guys, or at least modox but yeshivish upbringing. But no matter how nice people are to me, I always will feel like a stranger. I hope we can move to a chill out of town community or somewhere that’s very mixed orthodox in the future.
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amother
Papaya
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Fri, May 03 2024, 1:15 pm
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That's hard. Yes I think an out of town community would work well for you, lines are not as marked in terms of type.
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shabbatiscoming
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Sat, May 04 2024, 3:19 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | My husband grew up more yeshivish than I did and he’s still more yeshivish. I’m talking mainstream yeshiva black hat, learned in Lakewood and lived there for years. He’s used to frum simchas where everyone is separated. He lived yeshivish many years it’s a second marriage and there aren’t kids around which is why I think he wasn’t looking for yeshivish just frum. We are both frum today but I don’t come from a yeshivish background. My very modern orthodox but shomer Shabbos friends make kosher simchas but it’s not separate seating. He will come with me but I know he doesn’t like it and feels uncomfortable. When I pressed him he admitted it’s uncomfortable for him and he doesn’t like it at all but he only goes for me. Our wedding was separate and I had no issue with it, we had a few mixed tables as well and separate dancing. I don’t like mixed dancing. I have a modox engagement party and so he was going to come but I could tell he didn’t want to. He was very clear it’s only for me. Turns out my married friend’s husband can’t come bc of aveilus so I am going with her instead. He was very relieved I gave him an out. She happens to be modox but sincere. Same with her husband. |
OP, did you actually grow up modern orthofox? Because from your descriptions it does not seem like it.
Modern orthodox people ARE shomer shabbat. Or you are not american and grew up traditional.
But please realize that your putting down of modern orthodox as if they are not truly frum is just not nice.
MODERN ORYHODOX PEOPLE ARE ORTHODOX. And sincere about it as well.
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abound
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Sat, May 04 2024, 4:17 pm
Reframe it, say your husband went to events with you but only because of you. He likes staying home, maybe because he is an introvert.
Every couple deals with this as a result of varying reasons or in different scenarios.
P.S. And I agree, "very MO but shomer shabbos" is strange wording.
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amother
Poinsettia
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Sat, May 04 2024, 9:48 pm
| abound wrote: | Reframe it, say your husband went to events with you but only because of you. He likes staying home, maybe because he is an introvert.
Every couple deals with this as a result of varying reasons or in different scenarios.
P.S. And I agree, "very MO but shomer shabbos" is strange wording. |
"Very mo but shomer shabbas" to me reads like the left most wing of MO but just bare minimum crowd. Not mainstream MO.
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amother
Maple
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Sat, May 04 2024, 10:02 pm
| amother OP wrote: | My husband grew up more yeshivish than I did and he’s still more yeshivish. I’m talking mainstream yeshiva black hat, learned in Lakewood and lived there for years. He’s used to frum simchas where everyone is separated. He lived yeshivish many years it’s a second marriage and there aren’t kids around which is why I think he wasn’t looking for yeshivish just frum. We are both frum today but I don’t come from a yeshivish background. My very modern orthodox but shomer Shabbos friends make kosher simchas but it’s not separate seating. He will come with me but I know he doesn’t like it and feels uncomfortable. When I pressed him he admitted it’s uncomfortable for him and he doesn’t like it at all but he only goes for me. Our wedding was separate and I had no issue with it, we had a few mixed tables as well and separate dancing. I don’t like mixed dancing. I have a modox engagement party and so he was going to come but I could tell he didn’t want to. He was very clear it’s only for me. Turns out my married friend’s husband can’t come bc of aveilus so I am going with her instead. He was very relieved I gave him an out. She happens to be modox but sincere. Same with her husband.
He’s never been disrespectful to me and we had many open frank discussions about all these things before marriage. I am more observant than how I was raised and I was that way when we met. The truth is in a way since he’s divorced and in some ways out of the box he’s still a yeshiva boy at heart and is uncomfortable in certain things that are very different culturally or socially. Even things like clean secular music is like foreign to him. Sometimes it’s really sweet, sometimes challenging.
I love my husband but this issue is making me sad right now. It’s not that he won’t go but when I know he’s dragging his feet I feel awful. I also feel like a sore thumb in our mostly yeshivish in town community even though some people are very nice and I made some friends. I loved and admired my husband’s commitment to Judaism and hashem. He is very sincere. I got married older and so my ideal was modern orthodox legit frum who is ok with me covering my hair etc, but it just didn’t work out that way. I always felt drawn to the more yeshivish/heimish community even as a single where I felt so out of place, I also always seemed to like more yeshivish guys, or at least modox but yeshivish upbringing. But no matter how nice people are to me, I always will feel like a stranger. I hope we can move to a chill out of town community or somewhere that’s very mixed orthodox in the future. |
I think it would be helpful to reframe this line hes not uncomfortable because its just culturally and socially different. Its also hallachickly problematic (not arguing halacha just thats at least how he was raised) maybe you can be proud of him for wanting to follow halacha and at the same time what a wonderful husband going out of his comfort to make you happy
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