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-> Parenting our children
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AlwaysGrateful
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 Fri, May 03 2024, 11:03 am
Wow. I wrote a critical post earlier on this thread because there were details missing from the OP. It sounded like her child hit another child and OP did nothing. Then OP added details -- that the cleaning lady's "child" was really an adult, and that she did do something by removing the child from the situation. So OP, I'd like to take back what I said. Assuming that you said something apologetic to the person who was hit, and assuming your child was a young toddler (I don't remember the age), then you did what you could do. No reason to give more attention to the behavior than that. Even though I personally would probably have said a quick "We don't hit" or "No hitting," I wouldn't have a problem with a parent who did not. Different parents parents differently, and that's okay, within a certain range.
Some people who are attacking OP are really coming out of left field. Other people, like I did, are misunderstanding what happened in the situations she is describing. Part of that is because OP left out details that really change the situation. I do feel badly that she is being piled on, though.
OP, I think that some people are making valid points.
1) Don't take too much credit for your kids' good behavior, or you'll have to take responsibility for everything else too. Just thank Hashem, and feel good that you're putting in the hishtadlus that you are supposed to.
2) Similarly, don't blame other kids' behaviors on their parents' parenting methods (unless they're truly awful or abusive). If you were raising their kids, it is very possible that they would have behaved just as badly.
3) It seems that you've found a parenting method that speaks to you. That's great! Just don't feel married to it. As time goes on, as kids go through different stages, as your younger kids' personalities become more obvious, some of them may not respond well to this method. That's okay. Be open to changing if things aren't working or don't seem to fit a child's needs.
4) Make sure that while you're parenting your children gently that you're also protecting the people around them.
5) Make sure that while you're parenting your children gently, you're also giving them the skills they need to get along with other people. That's true for social skills with other kids (and eventually with their spouses, coworkers, etc.) and for those in positions of authority (right now that's teachers and principals, but eventually it will mean bosses and legal authorities).
If you're keeping all of these things in mind, that's great! Ignore the criticism on this thread. And be grateful that Hashem gave you a wonderful Pesach with well-behaved kids.
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amother
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Fri, May 03 2024, 11:06 am
| AlwaysGrateful wrote: | Wow. I wrote a critical post earlier on this thread because there were details missing from the OP. It sounded like her child hit another child and OP did nothing. Then OP added details -- that the cleaning lady's "child" was really an adult, and that she did do something by removing the child from the situation. So OP, I'd like to take back what I said. Assuming that you said something apologetic to the person who was hit, and assuming your child was a young toddler (I don't remember the age), then you did what you could do. No reason to give more attention to the behavior than that. Even though I personally would probably have said a quick "We don't hit" or "No hitting," I wouldn't have a problem with a parent who did not. Different parents parents differently, and that's okay, within a certain range.
Some people who are attacking OP are really coming out of left field. Other people, like I did, are misunderstanding what happened in the situations she is describing. Part of that is because OP left out details that really change the situation. I do feel badly that she is being piled on, though.
OP, I think that some people are making valid points.
1) Don't take too much credit for your kids' good behavior, or you'll have to take responsibility for everything else too. Just thank Hashem, and feel good that you're putting in the hishtadlus that you are supposed to.
2) Similarly, don't blame other kids' behaviors on their parents' parenting methods (unless they're truly awful or abusive). If you were raising their kids, it is very possible that they would have behaved just as badly.
3) It seems that you've found a parenting method that speaks to you. That's great! Just don't feel married to it. As time goes on, as kids go through different stages, as your younger kids' personalities become more obvious, some of them may not respond well to this method. That's okay. Be open to changing if things aren't working or don't seem to fit a child's needs.
4) Make sure that while you're parenting your children gently that you're also protecting the people around them.
5) Make sure that while you're parenting your children gently, you're also giving them the skills they need to get along with other people. That's true for social skills with other kids (and eventually with their spouses, coworkers, etc.) and for those in positions of authority (right now that's teachers and principals, but eventually it will mean bosses and legal authorities).
If you're keeping all of these things in mind, that's great! Ignore the criticism on this thread. And be grateful that Hashem gave you a wonderful Pesach with well-behaved kids. |
That was my post not the OP. I did say we don’t hit etc. mil was yelling at toddler (under 3) which I don’t agree with just gives more attention.
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amother
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Fri, May 03 2024, 11:12 am
| amother OP wrote: | Wow
I think it's time for me to not look at this thread anymore because it seems like people have an agenda towards me.
I have said multiple times that I DO pull baby away and I do validate both sides. I do for each child what needs to be done for them at that time. I was not "playing deaf" I was talking to my husband about something important before this conversation and did not realize he was trying to tell me something. What he wanted to say was completely unrelated..
I do not do permissive parenting!!!! I do not allow my children to do whatever they want whenever!! Allow is the wrong word because I use guidance a lot like I tell the how, why, when, where of everything. We are known as the family with the best kids on all sides of the family because I don't let them have free reign! | Mommy can you punish dovid he hit me and he can't do that!
Me: he shouldnt be doing that that is not ok. But I think he was getting nervous because you were yelling so loud and he doesn't like very loud noises
Him: oh. But I was trying to tell you something
Me: ok so how about trying a little lower and then I can hear you. What is it you wanted to tell me?
Now you say you were really talking to husband not even hearing this kid. And you tell him if he talks lower, you will really listen to him, and a brother who doesn't like sound wont hurt him. But why couldn't you say *I'm so sorry,I was distracted,and you were trying to catch my attention etc.".you contradict yourself .
People base their reactions on the text written here.
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asmileaday
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Fri, May 03 2024, 11:12 am
(I think the cleaning lady experience was a different poster not the op)
The best analogy I once heard from a parenting educator was this;
Treat my course like a grocery. Take what you like, and leave what you don't.
When you walk into a grocery and you see things you don't like do you walk out and say what a horrible grocery I'm not buying anything in here? No. You take what you need.
That's been my parenting motto. And my methods keep evolving and growing with my children.
I read multiple books, hear various methods and choose from each what resonates and works for my family. And I know I can always improve.
It's never great to get stuck on one single person or method.
Op I'm sorry you're getting so bashed, you don't deserve it. You're trying to do better than what you grew up with and that's truly wonderful.
It's refreshing to hear that a mother enjoyed y"t with her children. I'm sure they weren't angels. Keep it up!
Just remember to keep an open mind, read or listen to other methods too and may you always be able to raise your children with calmness and happiness.
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amother
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Fri, May 03 2024, 11:14 am
| amother Navyblue wrote: | Mommy can you punish dovid he hit me and he can't do that!
Me: he shouldnt be doing that that is not ok. But I think he was getting nervous because you were yelling so loud and he doesn't like very loud noises
Him: oh. But I was trying to tell you something
Me: ok so how about trying a little lower and then I can hear you. What is it you wanted to tell me?
Now you say you were really talking to husband not even hearing this kid. And you tell him if he talks lower, you will really listen to him, and a brother who doesn't like sound wont hurt him. But why couldn't you say *I'm so sorry,I was distracted,and you were trying to catch my attention etc.".you contradict yourself . |
No I wasnt contradicting anything
You are looking at one miniscule part of him and my parenting you are not seeing the whole pcture
He enjoys speaking very very loudly on a regular basis so I was telling him to lower his voice
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AlwaysGrateful
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Fri, May 03 2024, 11:20 am
| amother OP wrote: | No I wasnt contradicting anything
You are looking at one miniscule part of him and my parenting you are not seeing the whole pcture
He enjoys speaking very very loudly on a regular basis so I was telling him to lower his voice |
Yes. I could very much see this sort of conversation going on in our house. We don't condone hitting. But if one child comes to complain to me about the behavior of the other child, I will sometimes ask them to try to understand their sibling's point of view and WHY the sibling might have behaved like that. (If the second child then comes to me, I'll often try to get THEM to understand the first child's point of view.)
To me, this is not neglectful parenting. It's definitely not setting her kids up for being resentful in the future, like some posters are saying. The tone of the responding posters is very caustic. I'm guessing it's because she named a parenting method that some people don't agree with. I've never learned this method, but I ask those posters to learn a bit more about it and try to find bits of it that work for them. I find that most methods have at least some tips that are helpful to me, even if I don't buy into the rest of it.
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amother
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Fri, May 03 2024, 11:32 am
| AlwaysGrateful wrote: | Yes. I could very much see this sort of conversation going on in our house. We don't condone hitting. But if one child comes to complain to me about the behavior of the other child, I will sometimes ask them to try to understand their sibling's point of view and WHY the sibling might have behaved like that. (If the second child then comes to me, I'll often try to get THEM to understand the first child's point of view.)
To me, this is not neglectful parenting. It's definitely not setting her kids up for being resentful in the future, like some posters are saying. The tone of the responding posters is very caustic. I'm guessing it's because she named a parenting method that some people don't agree with. I've never learned this method, but I ask those posters to learn a bit more about it and try to find bits of it that work for them. I find that most methods have at least some tips that are helpful to me, even if I don't buy into the rest of it. |
I do this and it has been working BH
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amother
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Fri, May 03 2024, 11:50 am
| AlwaysGrateful wrote: | Yes. I could very much see this sort of conversation going on in our house. We don't condone hitting. But if one child comes to complain to me about the behavior of the other child, I will sometimes ask them to try to understand their sibling's point of view and WHY the sibling might have behaved like that. (If the second child then comes to me, I'll often try to get THEM to understand the first child's point of view.)
To me, this is not neglectful parenting. It's definitely not setting her kids up for being resentful in the future, like some posters are saying. The tone of the responding posters is very caustic. I'm guessing it's because she named a parenting method that some people don't agree with. I've never learned this method, but I ask those posters to learn a bit more about it and try to find bits of it that work for them. I find that most methods have at least some tips that are helpful to me, even if I don't buy into the rest of it. | how old is your oldest? Just curious. For my older children it really is irrelevant, once they are being hit, why it happened. They just don't buy into this "you spoke so loud so another one smacked you because he doesn't like loud noise". It also doesn't really work for Shalom bais, "she was yelling at me,so I hit her". It's practically not doing anything. If works for some people, gezuntheit. Not that I have solution for all parenting issues,just know that this won't work for my kids and will leave them extremely frustrated and angry and more emotionally dysregulated . Listening is not always enough. Gotta be problem solving,too.
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AlwaysGrateful
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Fri, May 03 2024, 1:00 pm
I have several teenagers. And no, I don't parent the same way now as I did when they were little, nor do I parent them the same way that I do their younger siblings. (For those people who use time outs or threats about losing Shabbos party with their young kids, I hope they don't continue using those techniques when their kids are older either.)
I would say that this is most helpful with kids ages 3/4 (depending on how verbal they are) to right before the preteen stage. And yes, it can be helpful to validate first. But just because one kid hit doesn't mean that that kid should "get in trouble" and the other kid should get off scott free. If there's one kid who is verbally annoying on purpose and or does things that bother other people regularly, and there's another kid who sometimes lashes out physically, maybe from impulse, after holding it in for a long time, both of them need to work on themselves and figure out how to deal with people who are different from them.
I'm not talking about a 15 year old who hurts their siblings. I'm talking about a six year old who, after being really frustrated by a 4 or 8 year old for several minutes, especially if they were asked to stop doing something and didn't, or if it's something that the six year old is obviously sensitive to and bothered by, finally lashes out physically. And then the "victim" comes running to mommy. Honestly, it's neither of their "faults," it's just that each of them needs to learn to communicate better, understand that other people might feel differently from them, etc. And that's something that we, as parents, can and should teach them.
(I honestly didn't think about it applying to older kids until I read your post. My older kids, even the one who was VERY physical when he was younger, would never physically hurt each other now. Maybe a preteen with a slightly younger sibling? But again, the hitting is just a symptom. The problem isn't really the hitting. The problem is whatever triggered the hitting, and the fact that the child doesn't have any other tools to deal with it. Obviously if one child was constantly hitting the other child, especially without major provocation, that would be a different story...)
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amother
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Fri, May 03 2024, 1:21 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Wow
I think it's time for me to not look at this thread anymore because it seems like people have an agenda towards me.
I have said multiple times that I DO pull baby away and I do validate both sides. I do for each child what needs to be done for them at that time. I was not "playing deaf" I was talking to my husband about something important before this conversation and did not realize he was trying to tell me something. What he wanted to say was completely unrelated..
I do not do permissive parenting!!!! I do not allow my children to do whatever they want whenever!! Allow is the wrong word because I use guidance a lot like I tell the how, why, when, where of everything. We are known as the family with the best kids on all sides of the family because I don't let them have free reign! |
OP don't take it to heart, no-one has an agenda towards you, it's the topic! Same with yishuv eretz yisrael, home births, formula feeding...I think people decide the answer before they click on the thread!
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amother
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Sat, May 04 2024, 6:11 pm
| amother OP wrote: | My mother was always very tough and she had a hard time to really connect with me on an emotional level but not at all abusive chv
So Im trying a different approach. I give my kids a whole lot of love, personal attention and touch
Its very hard for me but I really try very hard to leave my worries outside and my kids dont feel it |
Sounds amazing! do you have a method your following or a book?
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amother
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Sat, May 04 2024, 9:35 pm
| amother OP wrote: | No I wasnt contradicting anything
You are looking at one miniscule part of him and my parenting you are not seeing the whole pcture
He enjoys speaking very very loudly on a regular basis so I was telling him to lower his voice |
Curious why you tell him off for this? But sitting on a baby or hitting is not instant telling off? I’m not understanding what is gentle about being so strict about his level of speaking to the point that you ignore and penalize him.
Check his hearing the poor kid might be suffering or need tubes and you are criticizing him for something that isn’t his fault.
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amother
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Sat, May 04 2024, 9:41 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Wow
I think it's time for me to not look at this thread anymore because it seems like people have an agenda towards me.
I have said multiple times that I DO pull baby away and I do validate both sides. I do for each child what needs to be done for them at that time. I was not "playing deaf" I was talking to my husband about something important before this conversation and did not realize he was trying to tell me something. What he wanted to say was completely unrelated..
I do not do permissive parenting!!!! I do not allow my children to do whatever they want whenever!! Allow is the wrong word because I use guidance a lot like I tell the how, why, when, where of everything. We are known as the family with the best kids on all sides of the family because I don't let them have free reign! |
Op I havent read all the comments but I think the reason you are being analyzed and harshly critiqued is because you made a post of what a wonderful mother you are and judging other mothers based on children’s behaviors. Tbh its a very strange post of course people are going to comment and critique
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amother
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Sat, May 04 2024, 9:45 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Wow
I think it's time for me to not look at this thread anymore because it seems like people have an agenda towards me.
I have said multiple times that I DO pull baby away and I do validate both sides. I do for each child what needs to be done for them at that time. I was not "playing deaf" I was talking to my husband about something important before this conversation and did not realize he was trying to tell me something. What he wanted to say was completely unrelated..
I do not do permissive parenting!!!! I do not allow my children to do whatever they want whenever!! Allow is the wrong word because I use guidance a lot like I tell the how, why, when, where of everything. We are known as the family with the best kids on all sides of the family because I don't let them have free rein! |
Gentle parenting is wonderful. Kudos to you for doing it.
But,,, having the best kids is not caused by how you parent. It is not you. (Also will take the pressure off when your kids aren’t behaving well that it’s about you, because there will come a time when that will happen).
If you gentle parent but don’t live by this principle (child’s behavior is not dependent on you), then you are not fully practicing all the components.
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amother
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Sat, May 04 2024, 9:57 pm
| amother Kiwi wrote: | Gentle parenting is wonderful. Kudos to you for doing it.
But,,, having the best kids is not caused by how you parent. It is not you. (Also will take the pressure off when your kids aren’t behaving well that it’s about you, because there will come a time when that will happen).
If you gentle parent but don’t live by this principle (child’s behavior is not dependent on you), then you are not fully practicing all the components. |
I dont think its fully on me but I do think it plays a part
I dont think theyre personality is because of gentle parenting. I believe kids are a work in progress just like you and me and me as a parent is there to teach them how to handle their emotions and situations.
Im not saying that because I do gentle parenting then my kids will be perfect.
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amother
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Sat, May 04 2024, 9:59 pm
| amother Aqua wrote: | | Op I havent read all the comments but I think the reason you are being analyzed and harshly critiqued is because you made a post of what a wonderful mother you are and judging other mothers based on children’s behaviors. Tbh its a very strange post of course people are going to comment and critique |
Im not judging anyone. Not at all.
You cant deny that it feels good when someones tells you how good your kids are and how well you parent (when last year was a disaster)
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amother
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Sat, May 04 2024, 10:01 pm
| amother Black wrote: | Curious why you tell him off for this? But sitting on a baby or hitting is not instant telling off? I’m not understanding what is gentle about being so strict about his level of speaking to the point that you ignore and penalize him.
Check his hearing the poor kid might be suffering or need tubes and you are criticizing him for something that isn’t his fault. |
I didnt tell him off I just asked nicely for him to lower his voice
His hearing is fine hes just a boy who cant stop talking and singing loudly
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amother
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Sat, May 04 2024, 10:01 pm
| amother OP wrote: | I dont think its fully on me but I do think it plays a part
I dont think theyre personality is because of gentle parenting. I believe kids are a work in progress just like you and me and me as a parent is there to teach them how to handle their emotions and situations.
Im not saying that because I do gentle parenting then my kids will be perfect. |
For sure you can teach and we must, gently and lovingly. But their behavior has nothing to do with you
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dena613
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Sat, May 04 2024, 10:01 pm
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Kol hakavod OP! May you have continued nachas from your children and yourself. I am not being sarcastic. may you have tremendous Hatzlacha.
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