Have you figured out how to love Purim?

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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Purim

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amother

OP ↓

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 4:15 pm

I know some of you naturally love it, I'm not directing this question to you.

I'm asking those of us who are introverts and like our structure and find the noise, crowds, drunk men, and general busyness just really A LOT and the day to be generally lacking in anything we find enjoyable or meaningful.

I'm tired of dreading Purim for the days leading up to it and then feeling bummed about how it went. I love the other yamim tovim. I want to love Purim too!

Have you figured it out? If you have, please teach me your ways 🙏

Highstrung

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 4:25 pm

I find that when I visit a couple of close friends and hang out with them for a little and then go home and stay home and host my own party on my terms, with whichever guests I choose , I do best and enjoy it.
There’s no drinking here . Maybe a little champagne but nobody gets drunk. My DH takes a nap on Purim to be yotzai .
I cut down on the amount one places we used to travel to and I even get to rest a little . I enjoy the Purim prep and being creative but I can’t handle the chaos of the actual day , so I stay away from chaotic , noisy events , groups etc.
My DH takes my kids around to parties and lively places . I stay home and set the table , cook and then relax . I like hosting and doing everything myself, so it keeps me quite busy during the day.
I also go to a quiet Megillah leining for women only , or to an early vasikin minyan , to avoid all the noisy boys.

Tao

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 4:28 pm

I'm not sure if I am eligible to answer your question, because I'm one of those who love Purim and look forward to it all year Laugh

But I will say what helps me, is to be as organized as possible. This means: delivering as many as possible at night or early morning, we had delivered most of our mm by 10 am. Only doing whatever we had to with the kids in car (meaning their friends and teachers and rebbeim, having done the family ones already).
Aiming to get to a few of the ongoing activities, but not to every one.
And most important of all, we all lay down and actually slept off all our sugar in the afternoon until the seudah. (Yes, including me, and my kids are too old to sleep on a normal day.)
This was our most organized and pleasurable Purim so far, bH! And I thought it would be more stressful being 7 months pregnant and without Taanis Esther on Erev Purim to prepare.

Aylat

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 4:28 pm

I like going to early shacharit and megilla reading. Purim is such a special day for davening.
I also normally take a break in the middle of the day and sit down and eat something by myself and read or chill for a bit.

happy chick

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 4:32 pm

It's a very overwhelming day for everyone. Over the years, I've learnt to roll with the punches. I don't set expectations for the day so I won't be disappointed.

amother

Raspberry

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 4:34 pm

I sent dh out with the kids to deliver most of the mm, whilst I stayed home. I tidied up and set the table for the seudah, while answering the door for those people that came.
I had some space and quiet, and we didn't come home to mm on the doorstep that needed running out again to return to.

tichellady

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 4:51 pm

I don’t love the whole day but there are parts of the day that I love and try to savor. I really enjoy waking with my kids to deliver mishloach manot, the excitement of opening the first few mishloach manot, seeing all the costumes, the womens Megillah reading that I go to without the kids

amother

Daffodil

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 7:40 pm

We don't have a lot of drunk men here, or if they are drunk, they're drunk at home, where they're not my problem. Most of the shuls have a three-second groggering rule, so megillah doesn't take forever and it's not headsplitting noisy. My shul has a party after megillah at night that probably gets raucous, but I don't like noisy crowd scenes and I don't go. We either have a small seudah at home or get invited to mishpacha who also have a small seudah. Ours is a big community so there's no obligation to give MM to everyone, which would be impossible. Contrast this with where my sister-in-law lives, where the community consists of maybe 50 families, everyone knows everyone and you have to give the identical MM to all of them lest someone be offended. No one here knows if I give to one person or to a hundred, and since we're a densely populated area with large apartment buildings, we don't have to drive around all day delivering. I essentially go up and down one main avenue delivering to people there, maybe ten blocks in one direction and ten blocks back on the other side of the street. It's apartment buildings so you can be delivering to several families all in one building, which is convenient. I do some and dh does some. We also don't have the minhag of visiting the kids' teachers, as many of the kids and teachers don't even live in the area. Thank G-d I totally can't relate to the women who find Purim to be a nightmare.

amother

Oak

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 8:50 pm

Preplan the day. Breakfast & lunch & seuda. Premake the food.. Less popular megillah leaning time.. Preplan delivery routes and eating times realistically. Good food. Reasonable stops. Beautiful table.

amother

Teal

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 8:57 pm

I'm a young married so might be dealing with a little less chaos. We go to whoever's parents are having fewer guests that year. I spend a few minutes with a book in the coat room if needed.

I go to a women's megillah leining in shul. It feels more formal and connected to the mitzvah, but is less raucous while still being joyful. I love the megillah, the whole story, everything. I review it a bit in advance so I can really appreciate while listening.

amother

Charcoal

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:03 pm

After 10 years I’ve finally learnt how to not have a huge fight with dh on Purim LOL

The key is no expectations whatsoever.

amother

Tan

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:10 pm

No, I haven't - but something that may help for next year is if you write down some notes for yourself on what went well this year and what didn't. Maybe you can troubleshoot if you have a more clear picture.

amother

Foxglove

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:11 pm

Get up early. Daven. Go to an earlier megillah leigning.
Stay home as much as possible.
If I do need to venture out it’s done early -as in before 10.
I’m anyway usually home prepping for the seuda.
This year one of my children wasn’t feeling well so my husband did all the running around.
Truth be told I do enjoy going out and seeing the action on my own terms. I just like my house to be quiet.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 10:09 pm

Thanks for the replies, everyone. Part of the issue is that my ideal seudah looks really different from my husband's and kids'. They WANT to go to the really happening, huge seudas. I would LOVE to do just a few families and no one gets very drunk. But I'm the only one of us who feels that way. DH himself doesn't get super drunk, but he does like to be at the seudas with action...

I used to daven neitz on Purim at the Kosel when I was in seminary/shana bet and it was so amazing but I feel like davening neitz at our regular old shul wouldn't be the same?

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 10:11 pm

Honestly as a working mother it was super rough to have Purim on a Sunday. Sunday is my day for errands and laundry and I'm scrambling to catch up now...

giftedmom

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 10:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

I wouldn’t quite call it love. Maybe one day. But I did learn to stop fearing and dreading it.
I did that by making it mine, being assertive about needing my space and compromising over our schedule.
I pace myself and preempt every party with hours of quiet time. That works really well for little kids too.

lamplighter

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 10:21 pm

Be realistic with my expectations and pregame with my husband. We make sure we each have parts that we enjoy on Purim.

amother

Bergamot

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 10:31 pm

Go to netz! It’s amazing even not at the Kosel. I feel so accomplished that by 8 am I’ve already poured out my heart to Hashem and fulfilled the mitzvah of Megillah. I also try to finish the whole Tehillim. I daven a lot early in the morning, and then I say perakim as I’m sitting at home in between answering the door, in the car (DH driving) etc. it also gives me an opportunity to take breaks from the noise and hectic-ness. I can go into a different room during the seuda and I tell everyone I’m trying to finish. It’s become a really special day for me.

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