My friends child is homesick!

royal blue ↓

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 9:48 pm

My close friend had a baby and her almost 4-year-old daughter is staying at our house. Shes by me since Wednesday and is very happy has tons of fun with my kids, eats nicely all is great until after bedtime ... She gets so homesick, and cries, falls asleep cries more. (had many times extra kids first time a homesick one.) I'm trying everything to make her sleep calmly. Cuddled with her-that calmed her but only for a few minutes, bribed her, but her on a cd, discussed with her how she's feeling- u name it! As im typing she is laying with a Lolli in her hand. What else can I do? last night she woke us up (and the entire family) 5x during the night. My question is, do I need to tell my friend that she's homesick? Again, it's only at night the entire day she's beaming!!

UQT

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 9:51 pm

If it was my 4 year old and she was that sad I would want to take her home. Maybe she can hang out after school and sleep at home.

saltandvinegar

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 9:52 pm

Its Sunday. Why can't she go home? She's so little still, she is not even 4.
I am not part of this community where its normal to send children "out" when the mother has a baby so I can not relate. I actually think its not fair to the child. I would call the mother or father and have them pick the child up. Its been almost 5 days.

↑ royal blue

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 9:55 pm

Welcome to chasidish community where most go to Aishes chayil.

simcha12plus

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 9:55 pm

Is there an extenuating circumstance that she can’t sleep at home?
Yes, you need to be honest with your friend. Her child needs to feel safe. Mommy had a baby on Wednesday. It might be time for her to go home.
Perhaps she can be at your house until bedtime.

zaq

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 10:14 pm

Time for the kid to go home.

hodeez

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 10:16 pm

You have to tell the mother

Arep

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 10:55 pm

royal blue wrote:

Welcome to chasidish community where most go to Aishes chayil.

When is her mother coming home? I wouldn't tell her mother till she's home, but if the kid stays miserable don't keep her for the full 2 weeks....

jump

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 11:13 pm

Where’s the father?

familyfirst

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 11:58 pm

Full two weeks?!?
How is that even legal?!? (Only half kidding)

I cannot imagine that the Torah encourages large families while sending kids away, and definitely not for two weeks.

Speaking as someone who Baruch HaShem has a large family. Take the money you’ll be spending on an extended stay at the kimeturin Heim and use it for extra help at home so you can rest and be where your family needs you.

Go to the kimoeturin heim for a few days- but Wednesday to sunday- it’s time to get back to your family.

aquarius1

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 12:09 am

Definitely let the mother and father know. That’s so sad.

ewwpeas20 ↓

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 1:08 am

I am intrigued. Can someone who is part of this community chime in as to why they must send their kids away for 2 weeks after birth? Is this after every single birth? Where is the father, grandparents?

sushilover

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 7:52 am

ewwpeas20 wrote:

It's not a must.
It's like when your preteen says that "everyone" is wearing these shoes. Take it with a grain of salt if someone makes a blanket statement about a luxury in a community.

Works for many people, not for others. When it works, it is absolutely amazing and such a healthy way for the mother to recuperate from childbirth and bond with her baby.

OP, I had my nephew who was happy during the day and would cry at night. After 1 night, his father started coming to put him to sleep and that worked.
If he would have woken up crying at night, he would have stayed here during the day and gone home for the nights. Tell your friend so she can make the choice.

↑ ewwpeas20

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 8:51 am

sushilover wrote:

Thank you for the explanation!

Blessing1 ↓

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 9:09 am

royal blue wrote:

Welcome to chasidish community where most go to Aishes chayil.

I cut my stay short because one of my kids were home sick. A kid older than 4. If a little child is homesick, I wouldn't think twice about going home & bringing the kid home.

↑ Blessing1

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 9:10 am

jump wrote:

Where’s the father?

This. When/if my kids are away when I have a baby, my husband goes to spend time with them every day.

runninglate

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 1:12 pm

Can she stay by you by day and have the father pick her up at bedtime to sleep at home?

Tzutzie

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 1:26 pm

sushilover wrote:

No must. Not all. But overwhelming majority in my community do.

Between my 4 kids I went away/took kids home between 10 days (everyone thought I'm crazy. I wanted much sooner. But I was convinced otherwise.) and 3 weeks (very traumatic birth and difficult recovery/ had mobility issues) we FaceTime every day ans sh went to visit every second day.

The norm is 2 weeks.
I've had kids here for 2+ weeks.
Most kids actually love it. It's like camp for them. I tell the parents that the phone is free to use in my house. I post their parents phone number on the wall next to the phone. I do not restrict access.
Most kids call once or twice.
I had once a kid who needed to tell her mother about her day (after telling me, my older kids AND my dh LOL

) and only then she was able to fall asleep. The first Friday night was a huge challange. She cried ans I felt so helpless not being able to give her what I knew she needed.
The next shabbos, I reminded her to call half hour b4 shabbos. That worked bh.

Another time I had a kid who'd just cry and cry and cry. She'd giggle and laugh one second and remember she's not home the next and burst into tears. She was SEVEN years old.
After 2 days I told the father to come get her. We had a discussion with her and decided that it would be best if she came here from school, she'd do her homework. Play, eat, bathe and her father came to get her for the night.
That worked for another week until her older sister was off from her job and able to take her off the bus.

Can you try this?