Parenting moments that leave me wondering...

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

OP ↓

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 10:42 pm

So my kids came over to me tonight with a bunch of crumpled up bills totaling $260. Money they have collected and saved over time, from Chanuka gelt, birthday money, and monetary rewards earned from learning programs. Together, they pooled their cash to donate to the Oorah Auction.

They informed me that tonight is the deadline for the Early Bird, so they wanted to pick their prizes.
I allowed them to choose their prizes.

And as we get to the finish line, I said to my kids,
"Before I put in my credit card, I just want to make sure you understand that you aren't winning anything. You understand that, right? "
My almost 7 year old said, "How do you know? Maybe we will win. "

I said, "There are hundreds of thousands of people who are entering the raffles. If you want to give your money to tzedaka, that's fine. But if you want a prize, you can use this money to buy yourself a prize."
My son's smile wavers a bit, but then he says, "We have a chance like everyone else. "
I try again, "But if you don't win, will you be very upset? Because you probably won't win. You understand? Do you think you will win, because I'm telling you that you won't "

"But we still have a chance!" Is his logic.

I try several more times. My son tells me that if they won't win, he will still be very happy that he gave money to tzedaka. The rest of the kids all agree.

I'm not very sure about this. This feels wrong, but maybe it's a learning experience.

So I put my CC info in, and the order goes through.

As he walks away, my son says, "We're probably gonna win."

ShishKabob

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 10:44 pm

I would let them give some of their money but not all of their money. Just enough to put in for the prize or something like that.

amother

Electricblue

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 10:48 pm

It’s a hard call. I think even most adults “think” they are going to win the auction; otherwise there wouldn’t be such a draw for it!
My son once put in his money to win a raffle for a swing set. I heard him davening every day for it. He kept asking me, did I win? Did I win? He REALLY thought he would. After, I explained to him that he didn’t win, but since he davened so hard and gave tzedaka we would try to put aside money and buy him a swingset- and we did!

amother

Azure

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 10:50 pm

You should tell them they are only allowed up to twenty percent. That’s max maaser

happy chick

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 11:04 pm

amother Azure wrote:

You should tell them they are only allowed up to twenty percent. That’s max maaser

Agree. Even though, people have different takes on whether or not you can use tzedaka money for Chinese auctions. Either way, I probably would have told them to use part of the money. Especially considering each ticket is only $5.

amother

Silver

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 11:08 pm

The advertising of chinese auctions in a way that appeals to children is really not so fair.

naomi2

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 11:10 pm

I don't think you made the wrong choice op. There's no wrong and right here. The truth is, maybe he will win. And if he doesn't which is almost certain, He will have learned valuable lessons at only a monetary cost. He's not in danger physically or emotionally so it's just really up to you if you want to save him or let him experience uncomfortable emotions.

dena613

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 11:12 pm

Personally, I would have limited them to $5 per kid. They gave a ton of money and they don't have so much, and young kids really don't get the concept of a raffle.

But I sure hope your son proves you wrong and wins!!!!

giftedmom

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 11:17 pm

Yeah agree that I wouldn’t allow this. Kids are really gullible and vulnerable to marketing.

amother

Oxfordblue

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 11:19 pm

naomi2 wrote:

This is such an interesting perspective.
So in your opinion is curtailing their spending here a form of bulldozer parenting?

amother

Nectarine

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 11:26 pm

I would not have let them spend all their money. I would have explained the concept of maaser and let them give 10% or max 20% towards it, but letting them use it all on a bunch of tickets knowing they have a .001% chance of winning, when they clearly don’t realize that, is cruel

If they lose, not only will they be disappointed they didn’t get the prize they wanted, they’ll also realize they spent all of their savings and have zero dollars left. That’s going to be a hard pill to swallow

amother

Aconite

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 11:28 pm

I lean towards those that think this was a great learning experience.

Yes, it's at a cost, but that cost is sunk in tzedakah. It's a much better way to learn it than by sinking money into a lottery or making a bad investment, where there is no gain at all, not material or spiritual.

So they didn't LOSE anything. They will likely be DISAPPOINTED, but that is a good emotion to learn how to handle.

They may make different choices in the future based on this experience, and that's good too.

You did a great job by making it all clear at the outset, and life will teach them the rest from reality. You will then have to help them clarify the lessons they gained.

But at least they have something to show from it! Tzedakah is not anything to sneeze at, and they can be made to feel proud of what they accomplished.

salt

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 3:49 am

Don't forget to let us know if they win!

My son once bought 1 or 2 tickets (= ~40 shekels) and won his choice!

amother

Crimson ↓

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 7:34 am

I've won raffles before. Nothing as exciting as a trip to Israel or free camp, but I've won smaller stakes things like $50 gift certificate to a local shop or a free session of a service or whatever. Look, you explained, your kids still wanted to go ahead, they will learn a valuable lesson when they don't win. In the future, I might encourage them to enter smaller raffles where they actually do have a decent chance of winning. A young kid will be just as excited to win $50 dollars at the local candy shop as any of the bigger things.

Success10

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 7:37 am

I think it's natural to try to make sure our children experience no pain in life. But when you take a step back, it's not necessarily in their best interest. I think you did the right thing.

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 8:55 am

amother Crimson wrote:

I actually did tell them that this raffle is nothing like the Avos Ubanim Raffles. They win a prize almost every motzaei Shabbos. I told them that since there are far less people in those raffles, the chance of winning is much higher.

amother

↑ Crimson

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 9:01 am

amother OP wrote:

You did your best. I think kids under 10 in particular don't really have a good grip on the concept of odds or proportions. There's only so much explaining you can do.

amother

Bellflower

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 9:21 am

With such confidence, he's definitely going to win im telling you

amother

Canary

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 10:24 am

We had this with my dd. The first time, it was hard and she cried. It's normal, she was disappointed and felt sad and moved on. It is ok for kids to feel sad or disappointed, it is part of life. But what stood out most to me is she continued to want to enter every year since (for a few years running), but now has realistic expectations that she probably won't win.

Yes, it was hard watching her be sad the first time. But kids are sad about all sorts of things, we don't need to protect them from life. But no one was sad about doing a mitzvah, just that we didn't win anything. Some lessons are best learnt through experience, and I think she came out better on the other side.

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