"Marry off" | Imamother

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

"Marry off"

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amother

OP ↓

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 8:26 am

Is it appropriate to use the term "marry off" as in, "Did you marry off?"

NechaMom ↓

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 8:38 am

Inappropriate. Ask “how are your kids?”
Also don’t ask “do you (or your child) have kids yet?”

kenz ↓

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 8:41 am

Please don’t. It’s so painful for some. Also don’t ask, “ Do you have any grandkids?” even if you know how old the person is. Hopefully by now most people understand not to ask someone if they have any children, but people don’t seem to carry that understanding over when it comes to the next generation.

amother

Oleander ↓

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 9:19 am

I don’t think it’s even appropriate to use the term ‘marry off’ but no I wouldn’t ask ‘Do you have any married children?’

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 9:39 am

amother Oleander wrote:

I don’t think it’s even appropriate to use the term ‘marry off’ but no I wouldn’t ask ‘Do you have any married children?’

What do you mean?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 9:51 am

amother Oleander wrote:

I don’t think it’s even appropriate to use the term ‘marry off’ but no I wouldn’t ask ‘Do you have any married children?’

What is wrong with the term marry off?

↑ NechaMom ↓

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 10:38 am

amother OP wrote:

Is it appropriate to use the term "marry off" as in, "Did you marry off?"

Oops. You changed the first question. My answer doesn’t apply to this one...

BatyaEsther

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 10:59 am

amother OP wrote:

What is wrong with the term marry off?

I thought that was the question.

I am not marrying off my children. My children will IYH get married and I will pay for the wedding, but to me marrying off connotes unloading and something that has to do with the parents “being successful and finding someone to take their child off their hands“ as opposed to my child finding their bashert, choosing to get married and being happy.

amother

↑ Oleander

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 11:02 am

amother OP wrote:

What is wrong with the term marry off?

It has a negative connotation. It implies an offloading of a burden. I far prefer more neutral terminology

simcha12plus

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 11:33 am

I think it’s a “frum” expression
In the secular world, adults take care of their own

amother

Lightcoral

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 11:43 am

Is it a chassidish thing?
What’s the Yiddish term maybe it’s a clunky translation?

amother

Jean

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 11:46 am

amother Lightcoral wrote:

Is it a chassidish thing?
What’s the Yiddish term maybe it’s a clunky translation?

Yiddish term is 'Chasunah gemacht'
Which oddly doesn't make sense...

watergirl

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 11:49 am

amother OP wrote:

What is wrong with the term marry off?

You changed your question. Is it ok to use the term "marry off"? Like any other frum-speak term, you have to know who you are talking to. If I used it at work, it would sound crass. It's about applying seichel.

In general is it ok to make small talk by asking someone if their kids are married? Please, do not.

amother

Cappuccino

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 11:50 am

Isn't it one of those phrases that we may say, but don't mean literally?
Other examples escape me at the moment!

mommyhood ↓

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 11:51 am

amother OP wrote:

What is wrong with the term marry off?

In my circles, nothing wrong with the term. It’s normal to wish someone Mazal tov on marrying off their son/daughter or talk about your own simcha that way.
What I wouldn’t do is ask someone if they’ve married off any kids yet or how many kids they’ve married off.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 11:59 am

Sorry I wasn't clear about my question.

Yes, I know "Marry off my daughter " is frumspeak. It's not necessarily a negative expression, but it connotes the idea of the parent taking the responsibility of marriage for the child as his or her own, as opposed to the secular worlds, where people get married and are not "married off". In our world, (generally) parents are involved in finding a spouse, arrange the wedding, pay for the setup of the couples home, etc.

My question was really asking about using the expression "marry off" without inserting the child.
Have you married off?
I already married off.

(Where I come from, someone might say, "I married off a daighter.")

To me, those sentences are missing a predicate.
I was wondering if others agree

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 12:02 pm

mommyhood wrote:

But would you say, "mazel tov. I heard you married off." ?

Queen Of Hearts ↓

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 12:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

But would you say, "mazel tov. I heard you married off." ?

I would say 'Mazel Tov on your son/daughters wedding'

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 12:10 pm

Queen Of Hearts wrote:

I would say 'Mazel Tov on your son/daughters wedding'

Ok. And would you find it odd if someone said to you, "I married off last month."?

amother

Sand

Tue, Feb 13 2024, 12:10 pm

Sounds like you mean ‘marry off’ to the highest bidder

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