Should I pressure or bring up topic of marriage with 21yo

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 1:48 pm

21 year old daughter. Very out of the box. Didn’t go to sem. Extremely modern etc
But keeps Shabbos etc
Made it clear she’s not interested in marriage till she’s 25 despite friends of her age being married already.
She does not want to discuss the topic and is sure of her decision
Do I pressure or explain why she is wrong?
I have made a few minor comments and jokes about it which has caused issues

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 1:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

But op, why is she wrong? If she is more modern, out of your box, why the need to pressure her?

csstb

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 1:50 pm

I assume this is a troll post. On the off-chance it’s not:

She is an adult and will decide all by herself. End of discussion.

amother

Lemon ↓

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 1:51 pm

But why would you? What are you hoping to accomplish and what's the chance that your methods will accomplish it?

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 1:52 pm

You should let her know that even the more modern frum guys get married young, and the pool of available, good guys will shrink if she waits till 25 to start dating. She might luck out. She might not.

singleagain

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 1:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

My God! If my mom made "minor comments and jokes" about my singleness I'd never want to share anything with her again. There's no such thing as minor comments and jokes.

21 is still young, leave her be! There's is nothing wrong with her. And if you pressure her she might just end up in a wrong relationship.

You're focused on the wrong things.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 1:57 pm

amother Burgundy wrote:

I mentioned this to her a few weeks ago but not in your exact words. She said I should not be telling her what to do as she is an adult … and that ‘the one’ would be around regardless of her age. I didn’t continue the conversation

amother

↑ Alyssum

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 2:00 pm

amother OP wrote:

And she is right. Let her be. Hashem is in charge. She could meet the right person on the street tomorrow and decide she wants to get married now.

amother

Peachpuff

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 2:00 pm

amother Burgundy wrote:

Not exactly, but 21 is young. She might change her mind in a year or 2 and you telling her any if this stuff is not going to motivate her. I'm MO and when I was 20 I thought I didn't want to get married till 25 (got married at 28 because it did take a little more time).

What actually led me to get a little more purposeful in my dating was seeing my friends get married and seeing non-Jewish/non-religious coworkers 10-15 years older than me upset they wasted years on relationships that weren't going anywhere.

amother

Black ↓

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 2:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

Why is she wrong? What are the advantages of getting married young? Especially since she stated she has no interest

amother

↑ Black

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 2:02 pm

amother Burgundy wrote:

How does that make sense if we marry our bashert? Do you think that her daughters bashert marry someone else and she’ll miss him?

amother

Whitesmoke

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 2:08 pm

Is there another sibling beneath her? Is that your urgency?

What is the pressure? Saying this as someone that was engaged at 20

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 2:11 pm

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

Is there another sibling beneath her? Is that your urgency?

What is the pressure? Saying this as someone that was engaged at 20

No sibling under her… all a lot younger
I don’t want her to repress her hormones till 25

amother

Ghostwhite

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 2:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

Give her time and space.
She might just need this year and then start or continue waiting. When she’s ready is better then pushing her she’s very young

imasinger

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 2:14 pm

Her hormones. Her business.

It sounds like she already is aware of your opinion. Saying anything more will push her away from you.

amother

Nectarine

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 2:22 pm

She's not wrong, because it's her decision. If she isnt ready to get married now, so she isnt wrong for not wanting to get married now.

She may be naive about what her options will look like then vs now, or she may be very aware and just not care. Either way- not your decision and not your place

amother

Lotus

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 2:29 pm

OP I wouldn’t worry. It’s her decision about when she wants to get married. And she may end up changing her mind and meeting someone earlier than 25 who she wants to marry. Just be there for her as a listening ear. Don’t pressure what so ever. When hashem decides it’s time it will happen! Hatzlacha!

amother

Slategray

Sun, Feb 11 2024, 2:34 pm

I'll be the odd one out and say that not wanting to date when most of your peers are dating can be a sign that there is something else going on that will continue to hold the person back if or until that issue is addressed.

I'm not really sure how it can be addressed though by OP, certainly not by dropping subtle hints or making comments, or even forcing therapy. Maybe suggesting therapy for a different pretext?