Afraid to talk, Afraid not to

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Dec 28 2023, 8:24 am

Dd is seeing someone inappropriate and I have serious hesitations but have been terrified to say much bc I am afraid I will push them together. (The hesitations are real and objective but I don't want to be recognized here so anyone reading this will just have to trust me on this.) How do I talk about this with her without driving her towards him?

amother

NeonBlue

Thu, Dec 28 2023, 8:30 am

I just want to send you some hugs. That sounds so difficult. I would maybe suggest talking to a professional to get their input and to role-play and practice a conversation that you can have with your dd.
You want to make sure you're calm and this clearly comes from a place of love for her and concern for her.

monseymom25

Thu, Dec 28 2023, 8:34 am

I’m hesitant to answer because I’m not any type of expert. Just a mom of teens!
How old is she? I’m assuming not 14 or 15 .

For an adult child or older teen I would just start by opening a discussion. Tell her you know she’s spent a lot of time with x and you want to talk about how it’s going. Say something positive about the person. Ask her if she has any concerns. See how she responds then possibly tell her what you noticed and ask her if she’s noticed it too. Tell her you love her and trust her judgment. And you’re glad to be there for her and be a sounding board.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Dec 28 2023, 7:32 pm

[quote="amother NeonBlue"]I just want to send you some hugs. That sounds so difficult. I would maybe suggest talking to a professional to get their input and to role-play and practice a conversation that you can have with your dd.
You want to make sure you're calm and this clearly comes from a place of love for her and

I am trying to pretend it is ok but I am heartbroken.

TwinsMommy

Thu, Dec 28 2023, 8:40 pm

My daughter has special needs and is in public school. Her best friend is nonbinary, born male. They had a crush on her. I laid out the rules. She's allowed to be their friend, and allowed to get together with them outside of school with others present as well. She's not allowed to be alone with them anywhere and not allowed to touch them. Same rule for all boys (or born male), Jewish or not. Many frum moms would be appalled at their daughter hanging out with a boy (shomer or not, Jewish or not) or hanging out with a non binary in this case but I'm fine with the friendship as long as it's a friendship-- they are never alone together, never touch, and she feels comfortable coming to me if she ever develops feelings (she hasn't).

If she were in a Jewish school, I likely wouldn't be able to be open to her developing a friendship with a male or non binary non Jew because there'd be a school rule about it or if not--- -what would the yentas say. Smile

But because of her situation, I'm a little bit lax within reason so as not to push her in a bad direction.

She's 16 and I know where she is and who she is with 100% of the time.

amother

Goldenrod

Fri, Dec 29 2023, 2:13 am

amother OP wrote:

What do you mean by seeing someone inappropriate? Why do you think he’s inappropriate for her?

amother

Bergamot

Sat, Dec 30 2023, 8:39 pm

It sounds like they are both good kids but this relationship has some red flags to you as a mother. Not sure why everyone is jumping to them doing innapropriate things. I think you should be a teacher of what you want to model, and speak to your daughter generally but not in a way that is attacking who she is dating. She needs to realize herself what she values and want she wants change, but it wont come from you pushing them to break up.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 12:18 am

amother Bergamot wrote:

Thank you.

I don't know why either.

I hear what you are saying but am afraid that by not saying clearly how I feel I am acquiescing. On the other hand,I am afraid that my disapproval will push them together.

amother

Oleander ↓

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 1:26 am

I understand the fear that your disapproval would push them together. At the same time, I think it's a parent's responsibility to guide our children. Teens nowadays seem so mature that it is easy to forget how naive and young they really are.

For an older teen, it might be best to phrase it as something you yourself would or would not do. Like "I would be very careful about hanging out in this area at night because it is not safe. There are people out there who target teenage girls specifically."
Or "I would not get too friendly with someone who is over 18. There's usually a reason he isn't hanging out with girls his own age and stage, and that's a red flag. "

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 7:26 am

amother Oleander wrote:

I don't know how to start. Needless to say, she knows I have issues but she is not really thinking about them bc she is having fun. This is not who she usually is and I am terrified she will wake up one day, sooner rather than later, married to someone with whom she can not have the life she still says she wants.

amother

Maize ↓

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 8:15 am

amother OP wrote:

As a mother of adults and teens myself and as a proffesional that helps parents with challenging children your thread really strikes a chord.

I don't usually respond on imamother but I believe we are in the places where Hashem wants us to be in the right moment.

Not sure how much I can help online but let's try.

1. You have to work with your own anxiety. Your anxiety will push her more towards him because מים גנובים ימתקו... and if she will feel that you are trying to prevent her from being with him she will want him more but the calmer you are the more she will have the space to think for herself.

2. Assuming she is someone else's child without it being your responsibility, what would you ask this child?
Can you be somewhat curious what she sees in him?
Can you show her that you're on her side with all the excitement?

3. The only thing you can do is ask her questions that will make her think.

Focus on stretching it as long as possible.
Ask questions like have you seen how he is in this setting and how about in this setting?

How about doing a road trip with him?

Remember your focus should be in dragging this out so she eventually drops him from her own disappointment.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 8:28 am

amother Maize wrote:

Thank you thank you thank you. I am going to try. I know my feelings on this could push her towards him. I am just so sad.

A lot of my friends' children come to talk to me. When it's them I say very little, I just ask questions and let them hear their own answers. I know I should do that but I see she is making an enormous mistake and I am terrified.

amother

↑ Maize

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 9:06 am

amother OP wrote:

Its terrifying to see our own child making a huge mistake.
Would you reach out to someone for yourself?
If your own terror is taken care of you will be able to be there for her more.