I exist | Imamother

amother

Tue, Dec 26 2023, 9:40 pm

Hello old friends who I hardly ever speak to anymore. We text each other a text a few times a year. Remember when we used to pick up the phone and actually call each other? Remember the long chats?
Hello to all my sis in laws (double digit) who I basically only see at simchas these days. I thought we would have so much to do with each other. I’m not sure what happened?
Hello to my neighbors who I never see. Wondering if I’m the only one who has almost no contact with all the neighbors or if it’s like that with everyone? My neighbors are nice. When I see them that is. When I grew up my mother was friendly with the neighbors. They always borrowed things from each other. Schmoozed sometimes. It’s just not like that here.
Hello to my old workmates. We used to be so friendly. Remember me? I guess you don’t want to be friends with someone who left the office.
Hello to my kids who have grown up and often don’t need me for hours.
Hello to my dh who is too ADHD to even stop and focus on me.
So I just wanted to let everyone know that I still exist. I’m a bit lonely these days. I’m afraid if I call you I’ll sound too needy. And you seem fine without a phone call from me.
Hi everyone. I just want to remind you that I exist.

amother

Peru

Tue, Dec 26 2023, 9:51 pm

K so a few things here,
1. I think technology has taken away the need for face to face interactions. We barely need to see other people, anything and everything is just a click of a button away

2. Reach out OP, don't wait for others to call you. Be the one to initiate. I promise no one will think you're needy, most people will appreciate it. No one means to forget you, life is so busy and distracting sometimes.

3. I've had numerous old workmates, I barely keep up with any. Sure we were friendly when we worked together but it was mostly a workplace friendship. Once we moved on from a job and other workmates enter the picture it's hard to hold on. Reach out though if you still feel a connection, they might be thrilled to hear from you

4. I have nothing to do with my neighbors either and they say it's because it's mostly depended in the kids. If your kids play together and you sit outside with them then you'll shmooze. You shmooze while waiting for buses. But if you'd like me with no kids in this age range and never outside or in a different schedule then the others, it's hard to have a connection.

Hugs op, I hope it gets better for you.

amother

Lightpink

Tue, Dec 26 2023, 10:31 pm

I relate but feel like that’s life these days. I’m happy to text and WhatsApp and only meet at simchos or once a while for lunch. Life is too busy for long convos very often. Unless you’re a SAHM with many quiet hours in your day. The little quiet I get I want just that. Quiet. Chats over text are enough for me. I love you just the same.

amother

Camellia

Tue, Dec 26 2023, 10:33 pm

amother Peru wrote:

2. Reach out OP, don't wait for others to call you. Be the one to initiate. I promise no one will think you're needy, most people will appreciate it. No one means to forget you, life is so busy and distracting sometimes.

.

This. I'm the one who keeps up with friends. If I don't contact them, the relationships would evaporate. I can't let that happen. It's hard to make new friends at my age and I'm a shy person at the best of times, so it behooves me to keep up with existing friends. They're always happy to hear from me, whether it's by email or phone, or, rarely, in person. (Wedding-and-funeral syndrome, I call it.)

The plain sad truth is that in adulthood, one rarely if ever has the leisure for long, continue-till-the-middle-of-the-night chats the way one has when one is single. One has responsibilities: a spouse, children, a job, taxes, bills to pay, a household to run, meals to cook. For over twenty years I was never able to have a real conversation with my BFF because one or the other of us had a kid interrupting, pulling at her skirts demanding attention. Not until her youngest was a teenager were we able to have a normal, uninterrupted chat, and even then we couldn't go on for hours. One or another of us had to make supper, pay attention to a dh, check up on an aging parent, etc.

No point feeling sorry for yourself. Don't curse the darkness; light a candle. BE the candle. Don't stand around expecting people to call you. Be the one who reaches out and calls people. And don't do what a lot of imamothers do, which is to be the one doing the calling and then resenting that the parties of the second part don't call you. That's the fastest way to end up with literally no friends.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Dec 26 2023, 10:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

Not needy, but why not schedule a coffee date in a nice place with a friend or go out together to a museum or whatever. Its possible that the idea of just sitting and talking to a friend is doing nothing or worse-increasing chances of loshon hora.

You can start a chavrusa group learning something (pick a sefer or topic) and then feel really good about the time spent together (lots of social conversations spring up during chavrusa sessions - even the men- so its like socializing for the sake of Torah).
Join a gym or make one in your home for more socializing.

amother

Lightgreen

Tue, Dec 26 2023, 10:56 pm

Your post is very relatable to many women... Sometimes I feel the same way.
Then I remember that I almost never talk to them either because I'm always in this never ending routine of work, come home , prepare dinner bedtime and wake up and do it all over again. It's exhausting. And even more exhausting that a lot of us are feeling just like you.

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Dec 26 2023, 11:37 pm

Maybe get a weekly phone chavrusa from Partners In Torah? It is free. The number is 1 800 STUDY 4 2.

I don't think people mind a text or email that says in the title line "Just hi." If they liked you. And they probably did. Then just ask how they are and remark a few things about how you are. Nothing more, not even 'let's get together.' A message like that asks very little of the person.

Some may answer and some may not. It might get into their junk mail filter and they never see it. Or they may get so many messages it gets lost.

But if even one or two do answer, well you are ahead, and you did something nice for someone.