How childish? | Imamother

healthymom1 ↓

Mon, May 11 2020, 6:30 am

Don't play that game... you will just end up hurt when he never intended to hurt you. That's unfair to him and to you.

Please for shalom bayis tell the poor man its your birthday!

Last edited by healthymom1 on Mon, May 11 2020, 6:34 am; edited 1 time in total

↑ healthymom1 ↓

Mon, May 11 2020, 6:36 am

cheese1 wrote:

I know. But I did mention it a few days ago....
I know it's rediculous. But still.
Chasing something doesn't feel good either.

I forget many things I'm told.
Why be hurt if you can just tell him and not be hurt?!

Don't play this game. Shalom bayis is more important than you thinking he doesn't care. It's not chasing. Its leading. You leading him to make you happy. Thats how it'll always be cuz men want to make us happy but need guidance.

Tell him. You are stronger than your yetzer hara causing issues in your home.

Blessing1

Mon, May 11 2020, 6:36 am

cheese1 wrote:

I know. But I did mention it a few days ago....
I know it's rediculous. But still.
Chasing something doesn't feel good either.

You're not childish but it is normal that men need to be reminded. I'm married a nice while and I always have to remind DH. I never thought to be hurt.
DH birthday is on Chol hamoed, so it's easy to remember. I don't think I'd remember if it would be on some random day.
Save yourself some hurt & tell DH. Don't take it personally.

↑ healthymom1

Mon, May 11 2020, 6:37 am

He may forever have a negative feeling towards your birthday if you get upset at him and he has no idea why.

Not worth it
Not worth it

You have many years together to come. Make positive memories

Rutabaga

Mon, May 11 2020, 6:52 am

I don't know about you, but I'm having trouble remembering what day/date it is because other than Shabbos the days are pretty much all the same now. All our routines have been disrupted. Is it possible that your husband has the same feeling, not that be forgot your birthday necessarily but that he doesn't realize that it's today? Does that make sense?

Give him a hint. It's better to remind him than to resent him for not remembering himself. Some people are anyways better at remembering birthdays and anniversaries than others. My mother never forgets, for example, but my MIL can never remember and appreciates when we remind her.

Happy birthday! 🎉🎂

Eselle13

Mon, May 11 2020, 7:05 am

No one can read your mind. Some people are better than guessing what you want from them but others not.

I decided that instead of sulking because DH didn't do this or didn't tell me that, I just tell him. It's saved me so much heartache.

Don't play this thought you would remember or figure it out game. It just makes issues and hurt.

Say like oh, it so nice that my mother/sister just called to wish me happy birthday.
Or be even more direct, DH I want to celebrate my birthday today, can you do something special. Or I'd love to do x for supper because it's my birthday.

Ashrei

Tue, May 12 2020, 11:13 am

I'd be hurt too. I'm sorry. Seems like a lose-lose situation. Maybe if you tell him, he'll surprise you by feeling really bad about it and really wanting to make up for it? It's not your responsibility or job for the sake of shalom bayis to tell him, though. Shalom bayis is the responsibility of both of you. But since you love each other, it makes sense that you should tell him how you feel and see if you guys can work on this together. It's okay to feel bad. No, having to chase him about this would NOT be a good feeling for most people with feelings. Happy birthday, OP. I hope you do something very nice for yourself today.

FranticFrummie

Tue, May 12 2020, 11:32 am

If you have a wall calendar, write it down!

I went away once for a long Shabbaton weekend, and DH said "Don't worry, just go with your friends. I have stuff to do."

So I went, and I had an amazing time. I came back all excited, and then I asked DH what he did with his weekend.

He said that on Sunday he went over to visit family, because it was X's birthday...

X is his TWIN BROTHER! Surprised

Oh my gosh, I was so embarrassed I wanted to die. I couldn't stop apologizing! He just stood there and enjoyed every minute of my misery before he laughed and forgave me. I asked him "Why didn't you tell me?" and he said "I just wanted to see if you'd remember."

(Just to be clear, this is not recent exDH the jerk, but the one before that, DD's father. He's a sweetheart, and quite funny. We still joke about it.)

avrahamama

Tue, May 12 2020, 11:36 am

Girllll... You might be in sensory deprivation and looking for a rumble. Sometimes we in the mood to burn the house down and will loooook for the fight.

He forgot. I didn't even know today was lag b omer... As thriver says everyday in blursday.
Make yourself a cake and tell him you will share only if he gives you a million kisses.

nechamashifra

Tue, May 12 2020, 12:25 pm

cheese1 wrote:

It's my birthday and I think my husband forgot.
I know I can remind him but I sort of want HIM to remember on his own.

We are married for 2+years...

There are two types of people in the world: those who are good at remembering birthdays and anniversaries and those who aren't (me). I bet if we conducted a scientific study, there would be little to no correlation between remembering birthdays and amount of love you feel towards the person celebrating said birthday.

If your dh is in general unloving to you or uninterested in making you happy, then yes it would make sense to be upset. But if forgetting your birthday is the only problem, you would feel so much better if you just accepted that this is how he's wired. Wanting him to remember on his own is a bit like wanting him to be 6 foot tall when he's 5"9 - he just isn't.

Putting him though a test each year can't be fun for either of you. If you want nice birthdays, what's so bad about saying "dh, it's my birthday tomorrow, let's go out to celebrate"