How much help is needed post birth

amother

Plum

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 3:35 pm

I had twins as my first and I just want to say I am amazed at how you are willing to do all you can to help.

We paid out of pocket for a nurse for a few weeks. That was all we could afford. Then I was on my own. Hard won’t describe it. I could’ve easily lost my sanity.

There’s no one size fits all, but if you daughter knows you want to help, and you help however you physically and financially can, that is enough. Sometimes it’s just knowing that our parents are with us in it that helps us get through the difficult times.

amother

Denim

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 4:49 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

im prepared to spend 2-3 thousand dollars, that amount to about ten all nighters, or maybe 15 days. so what is the best help I can give? nurse sleeping there 3 nights a week and giving bottles of pumped milk so the kids can SLEEEEEP? help a few times a week 9 to 5 so she can rest up because of the nights/ ME FILL IN IN BETWEEN?

In NY a live in nanny for twins is approximately 700 for a week. 6 days and one day off. Plus agency fee if you found them through an agency.
They aren't RNs. They're nannies with experience with twins. Some are better than others. Ask around in your community. People might know where to direct you and have phone numbers for you to call.
Twins are very hard. My nieces have twins and I just help as a backup.
Think how you felt when you had a newborn. When I felt like I'm collapsing and I can't even walk straight I would wake my husband to walk with my baby while I sleep for a bit till the next feeding. That's how both parents feel with no one to hand the baby over because there are two.
Sometimes the wife's mother will mix in and tell the husband that he must step up after all his wife just gave birth or had a c section even though they are both first time parents and this is new to him too and both are terribly exhausted.
Or the husband will be out of the house and when he comes home the wife will want a break and go to sleep because she was with the babies all day and really exhausted but it's not like the husband was sleeping while she was up,he is exhausted too.
And that's how it affects their relationship.
I had one niece moved into her mother's house for 3 months. One hired help. One didn't cook for months. Another couple snapped at each other all the time and were always exhausted and in a bad mood.
I always help the most that I can. Try to get friends and teenagers to come over for a couple of hours. From an outsider looking in it looks very hard.
Maybe your son in law should take a job so they can pay for the nanny.

amother

Tan

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 6:54 pm

I never had any professional help (no nurse, no cleaner) with my twins. I basically didn't sleep for two months. One baby insisted on being held/worn 24 hours a day.

It's hard but doable. The best moments were when my mother or MIL would come over and either do laundry dishes, or watch the babies and let me nap (usually one would end up sleeping with me and she'd watch the other). But my mother is older and had limited ability to help and my MIL lived abroad and was only visiting briefly. My dh did as much as he could but he was a full time student and working two jobs. You find ways to manage. You put both kids somewhere safe and let them cry for five minutes while you take a breather. You stick them in their car seats and set them up in the bathroom so you can shower. You cry and remind yourself that this will pass and you will (almost) forget how impossible everything feels and what an incredible bracha it is to be their mother, and how amazing it is that you were able to provide your baby with their best friend for life.

The best part of all is when twins are your firsts, because after that singletons are such a breeze!

amother

Ruby

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 7:03 pm

Lack of sleep has always been the biggest challenge for me with a newborn. I can't even imagine how parents of twins manage without help, although I know that many don't have a choice so they just power through somehow. In many places, you can get a night nurse for a month for less than 3000. That's how I would use the money if they were my babies. When you're actually sleeping at night you can get through the days.

crl

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 7:15 pm

I have twins as my firsts. It obviously depends on the kids and the parents; I had a baby nurse for about 8 days (full time live in) and that was helpful to let me sleep (I woke up to pump because my kids didn’t latch) but then after that, we had day babysitter while I was on maternity leave so I was able to rest and focus on building my milk supply which was low and we did nights by ourselves which let us bond with the kids better and we needed two people to feed them anyway. This was very helpful in terms of getting the kids on the same schedule which saved my sanity and made it a lot more manageable. I’d wake up, pump, then wake up my husband to feed the kids while I pumped for the next feeding. It definitely was hard but it worked out for us. Feel free to PM if I can help in any way.

amother

Gray

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 7:16 pm

First time mom to twins here too.
Just chiming in to tell you there's no way to plan in advance for what the needs will be after the babies are born.
I was prepared to do this all on my own . Not a penny to my name . Husband working and 2 hours away. Parents live in diff state and weren't offering any help.
However I ended up having a medical emergency after a totally normal prgncy and was hospitalized for 3 weeks after the babies were born via emergency csection and they were in the nicu. We all came home the same day- I was physically weak and out of it .
Parents helped us pay for a nurse ( full time with weekends off) .
And then shipped us over to their home state so mom can help out .... but she's not getting any younger and she soon realized that there was no way she can do this and work .
So we went back to having nurse for a while.
I went back home and went into debt to have a nurse so that I could regain my strength and start to function and have the babies looked after properly. I did not feel back to my semi normal self for 5 full months.

Twins are the biggest Bracha! And a rly big challenge!
But enjoy it ! It's the best! As my parents always say they are so happy it's me who had the twins so they can just enjoy it ... and go home after!

amother

Blush

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 7:50 pm

amother [ Tan ] wrote:

Bh for you but you can’t plan on this.

I echo the poster that said that the husband should look for a job to pay for help. Seriously. They may iyh not need it. But she might amend up with a C, with iyh super healthy twins that need no time in the nicu. 2,500 for a month of help can mean the difference between loving every minute and being suicidal. In all seriousness I have multiples and if not for some help at the beginning- first paid then chessed... I would be divorced or institutionalized or both!