Purim Humor - Let's make some

Aylat

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:43 am

WitchKitty wrote:

The Final Exam

Instructions: Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time
limit - four hours. Begin immediately.

History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present
day. Concentrate specially, but not exclusively, on the social, political,
economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and
Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

Literature: Compose an epic poem based on the events of your own life in
which you see and footnote allusions from T.S. Eliot, Keats, Chaucer,
Dante, Norse Mythology and the Marx Brothers. Critique your poem with a
full discussion of its metrics.

Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute and
drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Logic: Using accepted methodology prove all four of the following: That the
universe is infinite; that truth is beauty; that there is not a little
person who turns off the light in the refrigerator when you close the door,
and that you are the person taking this exam. Now disprove all of the
above. Be specific; show all work.

Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its
significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and
a bottle of Scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until your work
has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
if this form of life had developed five hundred years earlier, with special
attention to the probable effects on the English Parliamentary system.
Prove your thesis.

Psychology: Employing principles from the major schools of psychoanalytic
thought, successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate
personality changes, bill yourself and fill out all medical insurance
forms. Now do the same to the person to your immediate left.

Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the end
of the world. Show how boy meets girl theory developed. Construct an
experiment to test your theory.

Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.
Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the
Donatist contraversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all
points of view. Point out deficiencies in your point of view as
demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Computer Science: Define computer. Define Science. How do they relate? Why?
Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all computer decisions. Assuming
an 1130CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your
algorithm, design the communications interface and all the necessary
control programs.

Public-Speaking: 2,500 riot-crazed students are storming the classroom.
Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation
of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Agricultural Science: Outline the steps involved in breeding your own super
high yield, all weather hybrid strain of wheat. Descrive its chemical and
physical properties and estimate its impact on world food supplies.
Construct a model for dealing with worldwide surpluses. Write your Nobel
Prize acceptance speech.

Comprehension: three minute time test. Read everything before doing
anything. Put your name in the upper right hand corner of this page. Circle
the word name in sentence three. Sign your name under the title of this
paper, after the title write "yes, yes, yes." Put an X in the lower left
hand corner of this paper. Draw a triangle around the X you just put down.
On the back of this paper multiply 703x668. Loudly call out your name when
you get to this point. If you think you have followed directions carefully
to this point call out "I have." Punch three small holes in the top of this
paper. If you are the first person to get this far, call out "I am the
first person to get to this point, I am leading in following directions."
On the reverse side of this paper add 8950 and 9850. Put a circle around
your answer and put a square around the circle. Now that you have finished
reading carefully, do only sentence two.

Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk behind you. Start
World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

Extra Credit: Give today's date in metric.

Great!!!

↑ Ravenclaw ↓

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:45 am

amother wrote:

sorry to rain on the purim parade...but ravenclaw that joke about the bank foreclosing...is antisemitic . for real.

True. But see the thread on humor. We Jews have historically been able to laugh at ourselves and others perceptions about us. That's how we are able to be so resilient Laugh

↑ youngishbear ↓

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 8:11 am

Ravenclaw wrote:

True. But see the thread on humor. We Jews have historically been able to laugh at ourselves and others perceptions about us. That's how we are able to be so resilient Laugh

I was wondering how come no one sent me my shares in the Global Jewish Bank. Or told me about the blood in the matzos. Or about the conspiracy to do - what was it again? Oh, yeah. Rule the world. Or something.

↑ Ravenclaw

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 8:25 am

youngishbear wrote:

Huh? You seriously didn’t get the memo?
You should contact Judy about it, there’s a link with her email address on JewsRock.com

↑ youngishbear

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 8:39 am

Ravenclaw wrote:

Huh? You seriously didn’t get the memo?
You should contact Judy about it, there’s a link with her email address on JewsRock.com

Must've gotten lost in the post along with my Hogwarts letter.

Jewishfoodie ↓

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:00 pm

Jokes totally wake me up. No matter how busy I am, there's always a moment for humor. So heres my not so stellar contribution... I'm getting rusty.. Looong year..

So a guy tells his Rabbi he wishes to give his brand new baby a name from the Torah but Mishpatim only had the name "Machashefah" in it. "And I can't even give THAT!" he complained bitterly. "my mother in law is still alive and she would be insulted."

May we all be zocheh to have a really happy Purim! I totally miss this forum, but I'm trying to be less involved with my phone and build on my relationships with family and friends. Though I have to admit, phones don't tell me I shouldn't eat donuts sooo......

Edited for bad spelling! Don't type tired, guys!

Last edited by Jewishfoodie on Tue, Mar 19 2019, 5:03 am; edited 1 time in total

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:02 pm

Btw, all the jokes were awesome! Will "borrow" (and not return) them for our Purim seuda! Thank u all for not copyrighting!

dovebird

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:03 pm

Jewishfoodie wrote:

Jokes totally wake me up. No matter how busy I am, there's always a moment for humor. So heres my not so stellar contribution... I'm getting rusty.. Looong year..

So a guy tells his Rabbi he wishes to give his brand new baby a name from the Torah but Mishpatim only had the name "Machashefah" in it. "And I can't even give THAT!" he complained bitterly. "my mother in law is till alive and she would be insulted."

May we all be zocheh to have a really happy Purim! I totally miss this forum, but I'm trying to be less involved with my phone and build on my relationships with family and friends. Though I have to admit, phones don't tell me I shouldn't eat donuts sooo......

So good to hear from you JF!! Miss your posts!

↑ Sunny Days

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:05 pm

Hi JF,

We missed you.
I wonder if you know whats happening with the Huleptchas this year?

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:11 pm

Missed u all too! I recommend you do what I did. My neighbor was making delicious ones. Maan. All that work! So I came over and brought her a bakery box of cookies I baked, all casual and all, and said, "yummy! What smells awesome?,!"

She immediately said, "Oh! I'm making my famous... (Help me out here) . Choluputchas.
Hey, I'll send u some for Purim!"

So while my insides did a happy jig, I said, with a straight face, "that's soo sweet of you! And I'll bring you some potato kugel for your seudah!"

I'm free at last!

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:13 pm

Oh! One more super obnoxious joke for your Purim pile,

Why did the elephant cross the road?

Drumroll please....

He identified as a chicken.

(if I hear the word trigger even once!)

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:14 pm

Thank you, amother purple, for bringing good cheer to Adar! Don't be shy to post under your screen name. I like u already...

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:16 pm

dovebird wrote:

So good to hear from you JF!! Miss your posts!

Thank you! You're too kind! (like my neighbor who's making me halapeaches!)

↑ simba

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 8:15 pm

Jewishfoodie wrote:

Jokes totally wake me up. No matter how busy I am, there's always a moment for humor. So heres my not so stellar contribution... I'm getting rusty.. Looong year..

So a guy tells his Rabbi he wishes to give his brand new baby a name from the Torah but Mishpatim only had the name "Machashefah" in it. "And I can't even give THAT!" he complained bitterly. "my mother in law is till alive and she would be insulted."

May we all be zocheh to have a really happy Purim! I totally miss this forum, but I'm trying to be less involved with my phone and build on my relationships with family and friends. Though I have to admit, phones don't tell me I shouldn't eat donuts sooo......

I keep thinking about you and so glad you posted. I did ask you to adopt me a year ago so I am family. Don’t consider me a phone friend. Please come back, I’ll even eat donuts with you!

honeymoon

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 8:23 pm

Hey jewish foodie! Glad to have you back!

↑ dankbar

Mon, Mar 18 2019, 9:54 pm

Hey JF! You can even get some more donuts in if you follow the trick of the elephant! Identify as a chicken instead!

↑ WitchKitty

Tue, Mar 19 2019, 4:54 am

https://www.imamother.com/foru.....14525 :

Mommy912 wrote:

Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?

Q: How many Conservative Rabbis does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Call a committee meeting.

Q: How many Reform Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, anyone can change it whenever they want to.

Q: How many Jewish Renewal rabbis does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: It depends.

* One if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit from electricity from nuclear power.

* Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb.

* Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called "The Jew in the Lightbulb."

* Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psyho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.

Q: How many Shlomo hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Gevaldt, it's mamash such a great opportunity to do t'shuvah. So it takes everyone there to get real close, sing a niggun, listen to an Ishbitzer teaching, tell a Levi Yitchak story, and change the bulb at 2 in the morning.

Q: How many Reconstructionist Rabbis does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Four. One to wish they were doing what the Orthodox rabbi does, one to wish they were doing what the Reform rabbi does, one to wish they were doing what the Renewal rabbi does, and one eventually to change the bulb.

Q: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 30. One to change the bulb & 29 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb.

Q: How many congregants does it take to change a light bulb in a
synagogue?
A: CHANGE? You vant we should CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother donated that light bulb!!!

Q: How many Imamother members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I have no idea. Let me go ask my Rav.

I hope that I have insulted all of us equally. Smile

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Tue, Mar 19 2019, 4:58 am

simba wrote:

I keep thinking about you and so glad you posted. I did ask you to adopt me a year ago so I am family. Don’t consider me a phone friend. Please come back, I’ll even eat donuts with you!

As a beloved child of mine, I would expect nothing less from you! (how bout sushi binges?)

And in honor of Purim.. A poem... For all mother in laws..

There are rocks in the ocean,
There are rocks in the sea,
But how they got in your head..
Is a mystery to me..

↑ Jewishfoodie ↓

Tue, Mar 19 2019, 5:01 am

honeymoon wrote:

Hey jewish foodie! Glad to have you back!

Glad to join Purim fun!
And thank you!

And so that you have some ammunition on Purim..

Dear Mother In Law,
Please stop telling me how to raise my children.
I married yours, and I've seen your work..

Amelia Bedelia

Tue, Mar 19 2019, 5:06 am

Welcome back, Jewish Foodie! I think of you often. Your thread https://www.imamother.com/foru.....31705 gets bumped up every few months or so and we're really missing your hilarious comments to the posts.