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Forum
-> The Social Scene
-> Entertainment
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Ravenclaw
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 Thu, Mar 14 2019, 2:16 pm
After a long life, and a tumultuous marriage, Stan Herman dies and arrives at the Gates of Heaven, where he sees a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asks an angel, "What are all those clocks?"
The angel answers, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," says Herman, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Moses' clock. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie."
"Incredible," says Herman. "And whose clock is that one?"
The angel responds, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"So where's my clock?" asks Herman.
"Your clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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Ravenclaw
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Thu, Mar 14 2019, 2:48 pm
The past decade has been a successful one for progressives.
G*y marriage has been recognized as a right and marijuana is legal in Canada and multiple states.
However I somehow doubt that’s what the Bible meant when it says that a man who lays with another man should be stoned.
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WitchKitty
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Sun, Mar 17 2019, 4:22 am
Bread - A health hazard
A Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may
be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the
smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the
organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making
this stuff up).
I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced
global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the
government going to go after Big Bread?
Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should
make anyone think twice....
1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.
3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the
home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant
mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth;
and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole
nations.
4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24
hours of eating bread.
5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven
that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a
mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and
osteoporosis.
7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread
and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.
9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your
body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you
into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical
babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following
bread restrictions:
1: No sale of bread to minors.
2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal
ills we might associate with bread.
4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal
to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.
Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this
crucial issue.
Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.
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sirel
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Sun, Mar 17 2019, 6:42 am
simba, did someone hack your account?
Those jokes are extremely inappropriate.
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tothepoint
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Sun, Mar 17 2019, 11:45 am
My neighbors listen to some excellent music...
Whether they like it or not
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simba
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Sun, Mar 17 2019, 12:04 pm
| sirel wrote: | simba, did someone hack your account?
Those jokes are extremely inappropriate. |
No. It’s all me 
Was in middle of the night while feeding my baby. Could have been worse!
I’ll use my better discretion next time. Let me know if anything is offensive enough that it warrants be deleted.
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youngishbear
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Sun, Mar 17 2019, 12:54 pm
| simba wrote: | No. It’s all me
Was in middle of the night while feeding my baby. Could have been worse!
I’ll use my better discretion next time. Let me know if anything is offensive enough that it warrants be deleted. |
How do we know it's really you? It could still be the hacker posting in your name.
Which reminds me of the time the chelemer rosh hakahal decided that he hates the anonymity of the mikvah, where he might forget who he is if he's not wearing his chashuve clothes. He decided to tie a red string around his toe to help him remember his identity.
Of course, while dipping, the string fell off and someone else put it on their toe. The chelemer RH discovered the switch and got very agitated.
"I know who you are, because you're wearing the Rosh Hakahal's string. But alas, who am I?"
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sirel
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Sun, Mar 17 2019, 2:34 pm
yes, I would appreciate if you could remove any jokes referencing s*men, p*nis or s*x.
thanks.
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amother
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Sun, Mar 17 2019, 5:39 pm
| sirel wrote: | yes, I would appreciate if you could remove any jokes referencing s*men, p*nis or s*x.
thanks. |
I apologize, but my computer had malware and it's been hacked. So if you try to delete the jokes then will end up on someone else's account.
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amother
Coffee
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Sun, Mar 17 2019, 5:40 pm
| amother wrote: | | I apologize, but my computer had malware and it's been hacked. So if you try to delete the jokes then will end up on someone else's account. |
Huh?
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Ravenclaw
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Sun, Mar 17 2019, 5:47 pm
My guess is that that’s simba joking around 
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simba
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Sun, Mar 17 2019, 5:55 pm
| Ravenclaw wrote: | | My guess is that that’s simba joking around |
Nope that wasn’t me. Someone else is having fun though! Happy Purim.
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amother
Honeydew
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Sun, Mar 17 2019, 6:05 pm
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Simba, Love your jokes, even DH is still laughing over some of them!!
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WitchKitty
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Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:32 am
Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my
hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a
whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by
holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road
service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car
isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine
as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us
will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to
start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick
as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic
items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same
thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up
anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it
back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't
think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a
complete stranger-how the heck could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
about. The answer is always either $ex or football, though I have to
make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is
ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for
my mom, too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I
really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when
it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have
to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have
my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't
understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's
the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes
is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is
fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 21st century, I will share
equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
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WitchKitty
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Mon, Mar 18 2019, 7:37 am
The Final Exam
Instructions: Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time
limit - four hours. Begin immediately.
History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present
day. Concentrate specially, but not exclusively, on the social, political,
economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and
Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.
Literature: Compose an epic poem based on the events of your own life in
which you see and footnote allusions from T.S. Eliot, Keats, Chaucer,
Dante, Norse Mythology and the Marx Brothers. Critique your poem with a
full discussion of its metrics.
Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute and
drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
Logic: Using accepted methodology prove all four of the following: That the
universe is infinite; that truth is beauty; that there is not a little
person who turns off the light in the refrigerator when you close the door,
and that you are the person taking this exam. Now disprove all of the
above. Be specific; show all work.
Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its
significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and
a bottle of Scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until your work
has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
if this form of life had developed five hundred years earlier, with special
attention to the probable effects on the English Parliamentary system.
Prove your thesis.
Psychology: Employing principles from the major schools of psychoanalytic
thought, successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate
personality changes, bill yourself and fill out all medical insurance
forms. Now do the same to the person to your immediate left.
Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the end
of the world. Show how boy meets girl theory developed. Construct an
experiment to test your theory.
Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.
Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the
Donatist contraversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all
points of view. Point out deficiencies in your point of view as
demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
Computer Science: Define computer. Define Science. How do they relate? Why?
Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all computer decisions. Assuming
an 1130CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your
algorithm, design the communications interface and all the necessary
control programs.
Public-Speaking: 2,500 riot-crazed students are storming the classroom.
Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation
of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
Agricultural Science: Outline the steps involved in breeding your own super
high yield, all weather hybrid strain of wheat. Descrive its chemical and
physical properties and estimate its impact on world food supplies.
Construct a model for dealing with worldwide surpluses. Write your Nobel
Prize acceptance speech.
Comprehension: three minute time test. Read everything before doing
anything. Put your name in the upper right hand corner of this page. Circle
the word name in sentence three. Sign your name under the title of this
paper, after the title write "yes, yes, yes." Put an X in the lower left
hand corner of this paper. Draw a triangle around the X you just put down.
On the back of this paper multiply 703x668. Loudly call out your name when
you get to this point. If you think you have followed directions carefully
to this point call out "I have." Punch three small holes in the top of this
paper. If you are the first person to get this far, call out "I am the
first person to get to this point, I am leading in following directions."
On the reverse side of this paper add 8950 and 9850. Put a circle around
your answer and put a square around the circle. Now that you have finished
reading carefully, do only sentence two.
Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk behind you. Start
World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
Extra Credit: Give today's date in metric.
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amother
Powderblue
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Mon, Mar 18 2019, 8:56 am
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sorry to rain on the purim parade...but ravenclaw that joke about the bank foreclosing...is antisemitic . for real.
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youngishbear
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Mon, Mar 18 2019, 10:36 am
How many Kabbalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Eleven. One to hold the light bulb and ten (one for each Divine
Emanation) to turn the universe.
(Please forgive the irreverence... It tickled my funny bone.)
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