what does Hashem really want from us?

grin ↓

Mon, Oct 29 2007, 5:56 am

I know I'm supposed to daven (twice a day - that's how my rav holds; I know there are many differnet opnions about this, but that's not the issue here), say my Chitas (hey, it's suppoed to be for everyone who has a neshama - don't I count?), learn a sicha, etc etc.
There were definitely times in my life when I managed to do this, while raising a brood of kids.
But lately, Hashem is dumping tons of challenges on my "plate" - physically and emotioanlly things are very busy for me now. I pick up the Thilim but can't find the strength to say the words. I say the words in the sidur, as fast as I can, and have no idea what I'm saying.
On the one hand, I honestly feel taht this is the best I can do right now and the challenges themselves are from Above, so what more does He want? But at the same time, I feel guilty for not being able to "get my act together".
I remember hearing a story about a chasid that didn't have time for learning becasue of business or gmilus chesed - don't remember. and the Rebbe's answer was, who said your davening is worth more to Hashem than what you're doing instead?
and the fact that it bothers me is also supposedly a good thing.
am I fooling myslef or what? which is the yetzer tov and which is the yetzer hara?

anyone know this feeling? any advice?

amother

Mon, Oct 29 2007, 6:27 am

RG - I know your feelings. I had the same difficulties with prayer/tehilim when I had cancer last year. I felt like I was being tested and punished by H' and so why would that make me feel closer - it made me feel scared and sad and angry and quite distant from H'. (B"H I am recovered now!)

Slowly, slowly - it took weeks - I worked to integrate that H' runs the world and slowly slowly I agreed that I could handle His decree. Every day there were ups and downs in my feeling towards G-d but eventually I felt a little closer to Him again and wanted to daven.

My Rebbetzin told me only a tzaddik gets tested from H' and says "Thank you Hashem for this test, I feel so close to you now..." For the rest of us we have to work to come to terms with his decree a little bit more each day.

Hang in there RG! You are not a failure - you are so totally normal! Just talk to Hashem from your heart as you do housework or make supper or exercise or commute or whatever you do. This counts as davening for a woman. Slowly as your bitachon is restored you will open your siddur and tehilim again.

Hatzlacha!