How did you survive the first year with twins?

↑ causemommysaid ↓

Thu, Jan 03 2019, 6:37 pm

amother wrote:

Now that the thread has become about shalom bayis you will have posters jumping on to say how evil her dh is and that her ROV doesn't know anything and ignore his psak.
OP. Your DH isn't evil ( I hope. I don't know him) he just doesn't get what it means to give birth and be a mother. Especially with twins and other small children. You need to teach him how to take care of you. Lawn green said it really well!
About birth control after 6 months you must talk to the Rov yourself. DH doesn't get what it would mean for you to have another baby, so he cannot properly explain your position. If you talk to the Rov, and tell him you are not managing, you will be much more likely to get an extension ( and keep extending as long as you feel you need it).

You are missing the point. It's not about getting the rov to agree. It's about knowing how to advocate for yourself and not accepting a situation that is disastrous for her own mental health. She doesn't need to worry for six months that she won't get a heter. She needs to find herself a situation that is good for her which means as long as she needs.

In addition, no one is saying to dump the guy. In fact people are being pretty charitable to him given the situation. He is tearing her self esteem down at a very vulnerable time and she needs to know what a supermama she is. We are saying don't take it to heart, advocate for yourself, don't be so hard on yourself, and do everything you can to get help.

little neshamala

Thu, Jan 03 2019, 6:40 pm

amother wrote:

While im not saying her husband is evil, I think whats going on here is a lot more serious than not getting what it means to give birth and be a mother. I think the problem may be that he doesnt know what it means to be a good husband. (And I NEVER jump on the man bashing bandwagon)
Im curious what OPs shalom bayis usually looks like, pre-twins.

↑ Sebastian ↓

Thu, Jan 03 2019, 6:45 pm

little neshamala wrote:

OP had another thread when she was in her 9th month how her dh criticized her for freezing meals for after baby instead of having company for Shabbos. This is nothing new. I agree with you that it seems that he doesn't know how to be a good husband. No matter, now he will have to learn.

Amother I don't think posters are being hard on her husband.

↑ causemommysaid ↓

Thu, Jan 03 2019, 7:47 pm

Sebastian wrote:

OMG it's the same guy???

OP im so sorry for you. Really. I don't know what else to say. Hug

amother

↑ Coffee ↓

Thu, Jan 03 2019, 7:56 pm

Cause mama said, I never said she should except the fact that she isn't getting birth control. I said she should try talking to the Rov herself, because the short heter might be more reflective of her husband's not understanding the need, than the Rov being too machmir. Op, if you are want to know now that you will be covered for longer, call the Rov now, if you have already talked to him yourself - ignore me:)

Sebastian, I remember that thread. How do you know it is the same OP though?

I find the husband bashing that goes on here sometimes to be counter productive, and discouraging. I feel OP needs encouragement and tips on communicating her situation to DH effectively and inlist his cooperation, rather than to be told that her DH is awful ( even though his behaviour is awful!) Twins can be stressful on the best of marriages, when Shalom bayis wasn't great to begin with - how much more so. Op of I am off base, let me know.

And yes, Op it is a very hectic, and draining time, it is absolutely wrong of your DH to put pressure on you. You just keep repeating to yourself and to him, that you are doing your best. Remind yourself of all the things you do for your family on a daily basis, and don't dwell on what falls through the cracks ( we all have those things, and with new born twins, it makes sense that there will be much more of them - at three weeks pp twins I sat on an arm chair nursing the entire day - I don't know how you are taking care of other kids and a house too!!)
A tip someone gave me recently that's been working wonders for me, is that of DH complains about something not being done, I should tell him "I am doing my best, but I can't get to everything, if it is bothering you - go ahead and do something about it:)"

↑ dancingqueen

Thu, Jan 03 2019, 8:23 pm

little neshamala wrote:

Based on her OP, it was fine as long as she served him dinner, dressed up, and didn’t ask for any help with the kids or housework. And he seems honestly surprised that she needs help now. I guess op was superwoman until now, if you are right about the guests thread it explains a lot. I really hope someone talks to him and he comes around.

And, no, she doesn’t need to be worrying about begging for an extension for a 6 month heter she needs one of those 2 year heter-from-the-get-go Ravs.

amother

Indigo

Thu, Jan 03 2019, 8:25 pm

Re the heter, some rabbanim routinely give 6 months. You come back every six months, and if there is still a need, you get another heter. L'havdil, it's kind of like having to go back to the gyn twice a year to renew bc pills. So the rav saying that doesn't necessarily mean there won't be another heter at that point and he thinks it's all OP needs; he needs her to check in again at that point.

Which definitely agrees with the idea, OP, that you should have that conversation with the rav yourself.

↑ causemommysaid

Thu, Jan 03 2019, 8:31 pm

amother wrote:

A woman with 4 children under 3, who just had twins, and a husband who doesnt lift a finger to help, who wants dinner served 3 weeks post pardem doesn't need to check in every six months. Seriously. No rabbi worth his title requires that. My guess is her husband did the asking and left out half the story.

↑ Sebastian

Thu, Jan 03 2019, 8:33 pm

amother coffee, she updated the thread under her sn. The update was that someone spoke to her husband and he came around to her point of view. So I don't think all hope is lost. I just think her dh has a lot of learning and growing up to do. Op, you must insist he help you even if he grumbles. You have 4 little ones and cannot afford to collapse.

↑ butterfly2

Thu, Jan 03 2019, 9:02 pm

Btw OP, from your comment on the sleep training thread, it sounded like you are exclusively breastfeeding. This may be half the stress and if you don’t have help you should definitely be taking it easier and giving bottles as well... and if your husband eventually does help, he can give one of the babies a bottle while you do the other one.

↑ someone ↓

Fri, Jan 04 2019, 1:36 am

OP, just checking in to let you know I was thinking about you and hope you are doing OK. Did you contact that older woman about working for a few hours in the morning? (I know sometimes when everything is so overwhelming its hard to even find the time and mental space to do things that you know will help, you're just trying to survive minute to minute).

↑ SuperWify

Fri, Jan 04 2019, 9:26 am

someone wrote:

Just came here to do the same thing. How are you making Shabbos?

Coffee Addict

Fri, Jan 04 2019, 10:43 am

Since reading this thread, I can’t stop thinking of you! Listen to causemommysaid! She said the truth without sugarcoating it.

You must be on birth control for as long as you wish. You yourself must speak to a rav that’s HUMAN and down to earth.

This is really all about shalem bayit. I hope you’re trying to get actual help, like everyone here said. You and the kids matter now.

Thinking of you!

↑ Israeli_C ↓

Sat, Jan 05 2019, 11:53 am

Hi everyone, just checking in after shabbat. B"H the gannenot in my son's gan arrived at my house on Friday morning after having cooked everything for shabbat (!!!) G-d bless these women, they saved me a lot of work and headaches. I was in touch with my parents and they've agreed to come to Israel for a month to help me (since they realise that I'll crack up otherwise). I know there's been a lot of speculation re my husband, but tbh his behaviour isn't coming from a bad place. He just has never grasped the enormity of the work involved in raising so many kids, especially multiples, and I have a part in the blame of trying to be 'superwoman' and do everything and make it seem as effortless as possible. He also doesn't realise that sometimes money needs to be spent to save in the long term, and that some things - like sanity - are worth the investment. His parents were always penny pinchers and it rubbed off big time, despite him having a very well paying job.

Just heading into another long night... from 9pm to 2am is always the most difficult time. Hoping Hashem will send lots of koach for the week ahead. Shavua tov to everyone, many thanks for your thoughts and kind words.

↑ someone ↓

Sat, Jan 05 2019, 2:59 pm

Wow!! What incredible women. It must have been such a relief to see them standing there.
I'm really glad your parents are coming. Such good news, and even in the time until they come at least you know that help is on the way.
About your husband - my husband also used to be pretty clueless about that kind of thing as well. And yes, I used to do everything and try and be superwomen, and then when I suddenly asked for help he didn't know what had hit him. And then I would get angry and he wouldn't understand why. And he would do one small thing and expect everyone to bow down to him as if he was the best husband/father in the world. It has been a process of a few years for us for me to learn to tell him what I need, and not to do everything until I am on the verge of collapse, and for him to learn that I need his help and to understand what is expected of him. I had minor surgery a few weeks ago and it was the first time in our married life that he took initiative and took care of the kids and the house and me without me having to ask, let alone beg or plead. He understood that that was what he needed to do and just did it. For us that was a massive milestone.
My point is that it can happen. it takes time and patience and communication, possibly with the help of impartial outsiders, but it will happen and it is important that it does. Maybe when your parents are here and you will hopefully be able to breathe a little, you guys could go out for a few minutes, even just for a walk around the block and try and talk calmly about what has been happening until now and what should be done looking forward.
Shavua tov. Hope your night is as calm as possible!!

amother

Babypink

Sat, Jan 05 2019, 6:23 pm

My heart goes out to you! I’m also 3 weeks pp with 1 baby not twins though.
Everyone has given really good advice I just want to say I’m here with you through it all.
All the sleepless nights and middle of the night feeding and nappy changing. When you are feeling so so lonely and hormonal just know there’s someone else out there feeling it all with you!
Hope it only gets easier!
Really thinking of you.