Is this worth a fight?

↑ amother ↓

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 8:58 pm

I don't think op needs a therapist about snooping in her kid's drawers, she just needs to stop doing it. my mother never had the same sense of boundaries that I did, and I find that as long as I regularly remind her what is ok and what's not, I'm fine with it. op has to stick to her daughter's boundaries based on what the daughter feels is appropriate, not based on her own understanding. op, let her be as long as she's not doing anything dangerous or influencing others. make sure she knows that you don't approve of things only if they are important, and even then don't nag. it'll only make things worse. remember, she is halachically responsible for herself at this age, and you should treat her as an adult. you may find that if you treat her with respect she will be more agreeable.

MommyLuv

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 9:40 pm

I agree with the posters who were concerned about your snooping in your daughter's belongings. It seems like your bigger issue with her is mutual trust and respect, more than her choice of underwear. Confused

Looking for scanty underwear in her stuff is not a good enough reason to invade her privacy, IMO. I'd be pretty upset about it if I were your DD.

↑ amother ↓

Wed, Sep 05 2007, 11:41 pm

I have teens and they're continually testing the bounderies (sleeves up to the elbow insteda of covering it, etc) but this isn't something you can force. At their age, if don't allow it, it can only get worse, not better, in my opinion. They know what's right and worng - thye're up to their ears at this point wiht all the discussions about tzniut. It will either come from within or not at all. Be a good and LOVING example, keep up helathy communication with them about subjects that they want to discuss with you, and daven. Try to accept that it's also in Hashem's hands (the 3rd partner), not entirley yours.

momof6

Thu, Sep 06 2007, 12:07 am

I strongly DISAGREE w/ the posters who don't believe a mother should be looking in her children's clothing drawer! Mothers should not be afraid to parent! Teenagers need boundaries, like all other children, and parents need to provide them!

That said, I don't believe this is a battle worth fighting. Outer clothing yes! Underclothing don't bother!

I would keep an extra eye on her. though. to make sure there isn't a motive (boy) behind her choice of undergarments.

May you raise her to Torah, Chuppah, and Maasim Tovim!

Last edited by momof6 on Thu, Sep 06 2007, 12:08 am; edited 1 time in total

↑ luckyme

Thu, Sep 06 2007, 12:07 am

If you don't have much goin' on in the trunk, regular underwear might be fine comfort-wise.
But, if its not too much to imagine... a skinny piece of material (which after awhile you won't even feel) VS. the entire back of regular underwear all scrunched up your in your behind Wink

I had that uncomfortable problem for years before I found...the thong Cheers

workingallthetime wrote:
"also, to say thongs are more tznius than seeing underwear lines - any skirt that requires a thong for "tznius purposes" is likely not tznius regardless of what underwear you are wearing! "

Not true! You don't have too wear skin tight skirts to see panty lines. Next time you're out & about, take a look around you Tongue Out

Tefila ↓

Thu, Sep 06 2007, 12:25 am

Op I think as a parent you are totaly allowed to view what you kid does wears talks etc wether it is always wise is something else.

I do see where you are coming from but it looks like you will not change her.
Work on being her friend in other ways and let her be as long as it's not a breach of tznius.
Yes they have a rebellious streak as teens. if you give into one thing perhaps you don't have to give into another. My 2 cents anyways Confused

Tamiri

Thu, Sep 06 2007, 12:26 am

When you wear a thong, there is no "shlepping" the back so that it stays put, and the sides hook over your hip bones or adhere to them.
I found them okay for wearing under exercise clothes (no shifting and tugging) but honestly the whole idea grossed me out so I stopped. I guess young skinny girls don't find it disgusting. Wait a minute, here in Israel EVERYONE wears them (you can see them hanging out the back of skirts, pants, shorts etc.) so delete my above comment. My poor husband has to deal with not tripping on thongs, they stick out at work as well (don't even try to visualize). And yes, I have come across bewigged, skirted ladies, where if she bends over, the top of the thong sticks out.
To the OP I would not make an issue over this, not worth it and you can't win. If a kid starts sneaking behind your back, you know it's not good... keep as much as you can out in the open and make her feel good about this unseen decision.
This too shall pass.

MrsDuby

Thu, Sep 06 2007, 1:41 am

I have no children yet and I am a newlywed but would like to offer my opinion.

I think the underlying issue is much greater than just the girls choice of undies. It could have been your does disapproval of clothes, friends, music, or attitudes. As everyone posted before me, this is a time that teenagers are rebelling and trying to express themselves as independants and therefore it is crucial that the relationship and communication between the mother and daughter does not break.

It is imperative that you as a mom talk to your daughter openly and honestly about her feelings - whatever they may be. If your daughter feels that she can confide in you and trust you then when it comes to battling large issues, she will listen to you more willingly as opposed to doing things behind your back.

I am NOT a parent - but I can tell you based on my own experience and my friends - the fact that you need to snoop in your daughters drawers to find out what shes up to, and to then find out that she is in fact going behind your back, shows that you need to have a serious heart to heart wiht her... once you have good communication, the other stuff will kind of fall into place...

and just to comment on the detail of the thong... I think once you get her feelings on the matter - then you can decide if its something you want to push or let it go ....

much luck....

greenfire

Thu, Sep 06 2007, 9:19 am

so about the thong thing so they say ... a skinny strap vs. the whole darn thing ... which is better shock

but as far as teen issues ... the more you distrust her and push her away ... the farther she is going to go ... continue guiding her gently - even if you think it's going into the thin air ... some stuff actually does get in ...

is going through her draws and knowing what kind of underwear making a difference ... is throwing them out making a difference ... no - cause she bought more

she needs to learn to make healthy choices for herself so she can grow to be a funtioning adult ... thongs should be the least of your problems ...

↑ Ruchel ↓

Thu, Sep 06 2007, 11:38 am

momof6 wrote:

I agree. Just like we have the right, even the duty, to check what they do on computer and so on. If it means a filter, it is a filter. If it means checking the history, it is that.

mummiedearest ↓

Thu, Sep 06 2007, 12:05 pm

I wholeheartedly disagree with momof6 and ruchel on the drawer issue. if you have given your teen a set of drawers rather than open shelves, I think the teen has the right to assume that you won't go into them unless you are putting things away. there is nothing wrong with going into a teen's drawers to replace something, but to intentionally snoop is very wrong. if you suspect she's wearing thongs and this bothers you, ask her about it rather than looking. what are you going to tell her when you want to object to it? "I was looking through your drawers yesterday just to see if you were wearing anything objectionable because I can't tell based on your outer layer of clothing and I came across underwear that would be untznius if anyone saw them on you?" briefs show plenty if worn alone, you know.

I recommend you do some research on the history of women's underwear. when bras were introduced on the market, they were highly objectionable. as were bloomers, and those covered the knees. women's clothing used to weigh a minimum of ten pounds per outfit, and much of that weight was underwear. imagine wearing a wedding dress every day. now imagine the freedom of switching from that to modern day underwear. sure, you don't agree with your daughter's choice in underwear, but think what your great grandmother would have said about what you wear! bottom line is, it's called UNDERwear. it goes underneath, and presumably, no one sees it unless they're supposed to.

↑ amother ↓

Thu, Sep 06 2007, 12:53 pm

Ruchel wrote:

workingallthetime wrote:

um, im with the OP who asked how in the world are thongs more comfortable?!?! that looks so incredibly uncomfortable, I cringe at the thought.

OUCH - still trying to figure out how that can be more comfortable - please one of the above posters, clue me in.

me too...

make that three!! I have a very nice booty and I wear it only when I know I am going to be with my dh. It is very uncomfortable

↑ DefyGravity

Thu, Sep 06 2007, 12:58 pm

Some people are uncomfortable in low-rise bikinis and some dislike a full brief.

Everyone is different. Preferring a thong to full coverage is no different than my example above.

Some people might have a black lacy bra that's more comfy than a heavy duty bra, they can't help it that it's more s-xy than the dowdier alternative.

↑ southernbubby

Thu, Sep 06 2007, 2:15 pm

I also think it matters who is paying for the teen's clothing. We must keep in mind that they want to be in style and not look like bubbies or babies. They want to wear things that look good on them. However, we do have veto power when it is our dime that they are spending. Parents do not have to agree to buy untzinus clothing. I would not let small things become big issues but if they want something that you are really uncomfortable with, let them buy it with their babysitting money.

↑ workingallthetime

Thu, Sep 06 2007, 6:20 pm

assuming these stay "under"wear, I wouldnt make too big a deal of it. it does seem to be a rather popular choice of undergarments (much as I can not fathom it) even amoung very frum/charedi women.

a bit off topic, but I recall sitting at a shiur next to my aunt (me early 30s, her mid 50s) and a very nice aidel looking women walked in (shaitel, tights, nothing remotely trendy looking at all) and sat in front of us. as she sat down, we could see her thong sticking up from the back of her skirt, and the look on my aunts face was priceless.....just total bewilderment! I started laughing so hard, I had tears streaming down my face, and had to leave, b/c I couldnt pull myself together. I think I laughed for two hours.