Giving all my attention to both twins = possible??

amother

Plum ↓

Tue, Mar 06 2018, 8:50 am

B”H I have 3 wonderful children under 3, including baby twins who are almost for sure my last babies. I want to soak in every moment, every milestone... but I don’t knlw how to balance all of it. There’s always so much to do, and I feel guilty taking time for myself when there are calm moments. I feel like I will regret it later when they aren’t babies anymore. Plus, even when I am spending every second with them, how can I possibly give each of them everything? (Must be hard to be a twin). And then there’s my toddler who also needs my everything (although that’s actually a bit easier, given the daily schedule we are on). I love my children with all my heart and I just want to do right by them. Advice?

chicco

Tue, Mar 06 2018, 9:31 am

You can only do what you can. And a large part of that means accepting what you need and your own limitations. If you care as much as you seem to, you will do the best you can. It's important to be realistic about what you can and should give, and what is actually good for your kids. Being the best mom you can means taking care of yourself so you don't burn out and that you are an example to your kids about self care. Being present and putting in the effort to be there for your kids is what makes someone a good mom. Think quality over quantity. Also, sometimes being a good mom means that your kids are getting what they need, even if it isn't from you.

We are all human. We do our best, and we try not to beat ourselves up too much.

Also, raising kids is all about stages and what they need from us evolves. Just relax and keep doing what you are doing. Your kids are lucky to have you.

Hatzlacha

Chayalle ↓

Tue, Mar 06 2018, 9:37 am

My best friend has twins and triplets (and 3 singletons that came along quite a few years later.) Her twin girls were 2 1/2 when the boys came along.

I remember she told me that she got advice from another mother of multiples. The woman said that the kids will B"EH get plenty of attention from others, just by existing and being multiples. So don't worry too much that they won't get enough attention. It's important to take care of yourself as a mother, and then after that, do your best but don't worry!

So just take each day one at a time. Your heart is in the right place, and you are loving and wanting to give to each one. Give what you can, but don't forget to nurture yourself, so that you can keep on giving.

Your kids will be fine, B"EH, and you will enjoy raising them to the fullest. Much Nachas!

amother

↑ Plum ↓

Tue, Mar 06 2018, 9:48 am

Thank you. I get very caught up in the “mommy guilt.” It was actually worse after my first - I was majorly self-hating over the fact that I sometimes propped up bottles or checked my phone during feedings and didn’t stare lovingly into the baby’s eyes for the entire feeding. So obviously that’s out the window now. I literally walked through a shopping mall yesterday while my car was in the shop, pushing a double snap n go with a bottle propped up for each baby. You do what you gotta do. But, I do still worry about other things, like I’m way less on top of which milestones they’re hitting when, documenting fewer things, printing fewer photos, cuddling each one less (still a lot, but less than I would for a single baby obviously). Less tummy time (because they have reflux and I can’t sit there for a long time uninterrupted cleaning them up when the other one needs to be doing something else and my toddler is running around, etc.) I feel very bad about it, plus I don’t make it out of the house much. I let them sleep when they’re sleeping (which is a lot... lucky in some ways, but guilty in other ways because what if they’re sleeping because they are bored?) anyway... I do love them and I care very much. I second guess everything and I have so many worries about regret. Both for them and for me. I already missed a lot of cuddles and time when they were in the NICU for weeks and fragile at the beginning. I want to enjoy them to the fullest. Maybe I’m patching myself out, worrying needlessly, who knows.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Mar 06 2018, 10:09 am

I had twins and a year a half later, a baby. I get what you’re going through.
You may not give your babies the gift of lovingly staring into their eyes while they drink their bottles but I can tell you your kids will learn independence, how to have fun with others, communication, how to be happy for their peers, encouragement to try new things sooner because they see another child doing it, and lots of other wonderful skills that are a natural result of having another child around and being trusted with more independence than perhaps another child the same age in the same house would be. Try to think about the things they can benefit from by having another baby around and a mom who can’t be there to do things for them 100% of the time and you will find yourself being grateful and happy for your kids.

amother

↑ Plum

Tue, Mar 06 2018, 10:13 am

amother wrote:

Oooh I like this!! Basically, see the good they’ll get that comes along with their twinhood, not just the things they’ll miss because of it. Thank you!

TwinsMommy

Tue, Mar 06 2018, 10:13 am

my twins are 11 now but at that tiny baby stage when I just couldn't hold both all the time I did a lot of sitting them in infant seats and talking/singing to both of them at once...... walking around holding one baby while the other one was in a swing or infant seat or tummy time on a blanky..... and to keep them from getting bored when I had to put both down I had two gyminis, two swings, two infant seats (the bouncy/vibrating kind), two car seats (obviously)--- and I rotated a lot so they each got a change of pace. I went out with them daily but when I did I didn't keep them in the stroller the whole time--- I would hold one often and show him or her various things.

When they were old enough to sit in baby swings we did a looooottt of playgrounds where I would just stand and push them both and sing and talk and push and sing and talk and push.... .lol.

Now I'm only good for food and homework help and hey mom I'm out of clean underwear. sheesh. Smile

Enjoy them!

↑ Chayalle

Tue, Mar 06 2018, 10:23 am

BTW my MIL A"H was a twin, and she came from a family of multiples. They were quite famous in their day.

I'm absolutely positive that her mother did not have tons of time to gaze lovingly into their eyes during feedings....she had her hands full B"AH (she was expecting triplets when they were quite young), and no family to help out ( she was a holocaust refugee, and her mother H"YD had stayed behind) But she raised a beautiful and exceptionally close family, B"AH. My MIL A"H and T"L her twin were very, very close - they had something really special between them.

So yes - your kids might not have some things that other babies have, but they will have lots of special gifts unique to their twin status. That's life - we all have a different peckel of pros and cons in everything. The trick is we have to focus on the positive and count our blessings.

amother

Tangerine

Tue, May 29 2018, 11:59 pm

self care is so important. NEVER feel guilty for taking time for you. Yes, any time (even shower eating and bathroom time) can be cut short to spend time with the little ones, but then what shape will you be in? You must put yourself first, take care of your physical and emotional health. 3 under 3 is amazing and hard! Be good to you, and don't forget to pamper yourself a bit every day. You will not regret the time you put into nourishing the most important person in the lives of your children.

Teomima

Wed, May 30 2018, 12:33 am

I think, after having only a singleton, many parents get used to giving that one child "their all" but then, when they have a second, have to learn to split the attention they give each child. So in that, and other ways as well, I feel I benefited greatly from having multiples my first time around. You learn right off the bat that you can not give each child 100% of your attention at all times, the math just doesn't allow it. You work on giving each child a bit of quality one-on-one time each day, you do "group activities" to encourage them to interact with each other (the sibling relationship is invaluable), and you DO take time to yourself, to allow you to be the best mommy you can be. And like others have said, the one thing you don't need in all this is guilt. If you love and care for your children, you're doing everything right.

amother

Silver

Wed, May 30 2018, 12:47 am

Hey OP...im in your shoes...I also have baby twins and demanding toddler bh...plus some older ones...I came to conclusion that Hashem made them be twins so this is whats Bashert for them...and Hashem know I only have 2 hands and one mouth n brain...but I do take a lot of help for things around the house...cleaning and laundry so I should give it my all to my kids...good luck...and lets enjoy our journey...not everyone is so privileged of being a mom to twins

amother

Amber

Wed, May 30 2018, 12:48 am

amother wrote:

This! I had this spacing, too.