Do more of you regret being too tough on a teen or too soft?

amother ↓

Mon, May 07 2007, 11:57 am

Which is more harmful?

I'm in the process of reading "DON'T NEGOTIATE WITH YOUR TEEN". I think it's the best book I've ever read on parenting difficult teens, for those of us that are scared to discipline our children. They claim, as long as you follow certain guidelines, results are worse when you're too soft.

Which has yielded better results for you, with your defiant teen?

rainbow

Mon, May 07 2007, 12:46 pm

I only regret having been too harsh...thankfully it doesn't happen often.

Generally speaking, children have an internal radar for 'fairness'; they sense whether you are being reasonable or not in terms of consequences. Consistency is one guideline.

Can you share an example so that we can discuss something tangible?

greenfire

Mon, May 07 2007, 2:43 pm

amother wrote:

Thats like saying which is worse - obesity or anorexia? /you need the middle.

so true ... I was going to say that I failed twice ... when they were younger I was too tough ... and now too lenient ... I needed the middle ground ... a little to late to help now

Seraph

Wed, May 09 2007, 2:48 am

They say the best parenting style is athoritative. Permissive means being too soft. Authoritarian means being too tough. Authoritative means occasionally doing one thing, occasionally the other.

But however you try to be with your teen, most important is that you do it with love. Because if a teen knows how much you love him/her, no matter how much he/she rebels, he/she will often come back, because he/she knows you love him/her and are getting hurt by their behavior.

Imaonwheels

Thu, May 10 2007, 5:11 pm

I was told by a very successful rav who deals w/shalom bayis and chinuch issues that being too strict is always better than too lenient. He got me one of my kids in off the street and away from an abusive bf 2 weeks after I told him about the problem. Today she is very charedi and is a kollel wife.

He told me that the problems of an over strict upbringing are more on the surface and easier to correct. The problem with over leniency and lack of consistancy are buried deep causing problems that are almost impossible to get to the root.

I have found this to be very true. My dh is extremely lenient and asks the younger children and insists on things being a good idea or not such a good idea as opposed to right and wrong. I am definitely not the same as I believe that a framework clear limits is essential to grow into a functioning adult. That consistency is the most important. I don't have the word fair in my vocabulary. That implies equality. I try to make each decision as what is best for you and not what is best for your brother or sister. My dh is the boss and we have probs with the younger ones that I never dreamed of with my older kids.