Are you a good host?

↑ greenfire ↓

Tue, Feb 06 2007, 5:32 pm

There is obviously a balance somewhere in this hosting idea - like if you do not have the right accommodations perhaps not to host - especially a stranger or acquaintance or someone of high respectability such as a rav or lecturer. However certain friends or family should understand certain situations. Clean sheets, comforting food and a good heart I believe are wonderful - and certainly sufficient in the right situations.

↑ Emuna ↓

Tue, Feb 06 2007, 5:40 pm

I agree 100% with what you're saying. And I'm glad you posted anonymously, as there are many women on this site that will demonize you. I just want to ask how you feel about aerobeds? We have guests sleep on a nice aerobed with good bedding in a private room. But I always worry about what the guest are REALLY thinking. What do you think?

↑ shanie5 ↓

Tue, Feb 06 2007, 6:03 pm

op, there is a big difference from your first post to this past one. For me,

the biggest difference is why u stayed by s/o and whose $$ u were saving.

if u invited yourself to s/o house, then your requests were a bit extreme-not all, but some.

however, if s/o insist u stay by them-wether as a friend or to save $$ for themselves/organization, then yes, they should treat you w/ more respect for you and your needs.

you gave a # of "horror" stories, do you have some good ones too? a time when your host went out of her way and beyond your expectations? I would love to hear about those too.

also, maybe right up a nice "request" list and send it to the person offering to host you [things like private room, food for when u arrive and leave, xtra pillows etc.] and ask them if they are able to accomadate, and if not then "please dont be offended, but we would prefer elsewhere or a hotel room".

I do reccomend you carry an emergency travel kit with things like body wash, shampoo, and even coffee -just in case.

↑ Tefila ↓

Tue, Feb 06 2007, 6:29 pm

Quote:

however, if s/o insist u stay by them-wether as a friend or to save $$ for themselves/organization, then yes, they should treat you w/ more respect for you and your needs.

agreed

Quote:

you gave a # of "horror" stories, do you have some good ones too? a time when your host went out of her way and beyond your expectations? I would love to hear about those too.

Seems she has none Confused

Quote:

I do reccomend you carry an emergency travel kit with things like body wash, shampoo, and even coffee -just in case

.Shanie5

Also out of principal there are lots of speakers that do require this or hotel in advance.

Last edited by Tefila on Tue, Feb 06 2007, 6:42 pm; edited 1 time in total

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Feb 06 2007, 6:33 pm

My dd went to a cousin when she was in sem. The sheets were clean but that & the food were the only things that were clean. The food wasn't great either. When my ds went to yeshiva dd told him "you must go to these cousins, they are the nicest.Just don't forget your clorox wipes for the bathroom(&anything else you touch)".btw I always bring lysol or clorox even to the nicest hotels- read the reports about their cleaning methods, some are downright disgusting!

Ofcourse op is in a diff sitch. But some requests can be made on the spot. For exmple"I have to work tonight, please show me where I can take a nap".Or I wouldn't hesitate to knock on the parents door & say- the baby is crying you may want to see if he's ok.

↑ Emuna ↓

Tue, Feb 06 2007, 6:34 pm

How could she send a request list asking for food upon arrival? Are you serious? The whole point of her post was to alert the hosts on proper behavior. She surely was not asking for your advice.

imaamy ↓

Tue, Feb 06 2007, 6:53 pm

The thing that always amazes me about homes like this is that "kosher" is supposed to mean clean. My house is by no means always neat and clean, but I would never have people stay in my home and not provide the basics!

↑ shoy18

Tue, Feb 06 2007, 7:00 pm

Besides for the friends invitation for shabbos, which obviously if you go once and it isn't to your liking you never go again, but who arranges your accommodation's for when you go away on business? Why not send the request list to them, and insist these things be provided. Another thing to think about is, who says the hosts had a choice in the matter, maybe the people who do the arranging insisted they put you up and they just gave you the best they could.

Also if you have had so many horror stories, either include a hotel stay in your fee, or start traveling with an extra suitcase of things you might need in case your hosts are awful you've definitly had enough experience to know what stuff you need.

↑ Emuna ↓

Tue, Feb 06 2007, 7:04 pm

I don't think her point was a b**ching session about how hard she has it while traveling. She was attempting to describe what it can be like for a guest and asking us to look at oursleves. Why are we being so argumentative with her? Why not just learn from her?

↑ shanie5 ↓

Tue, Feb 06 2007, 7:10 pm

Emuna wrote:

How could she send a request list asking for food upon arrival? Are you serious? The whole point of her post was to alert the hosts on proper behavior. She surely was not asking for your advice.

if op is staying at s/o house to save her 'client' $$, then yes, she has the right to request what she needs/prefers. its obvious that not everyone supplies even the basic niceties, so its not unreasonable.

as for requesting food on arrival, it gives the host notice that her company will have been traveling and therefore likely to be hungry. host then has time to prepare food in advance to be heated or served when her guest arrives.

↑ Emuna ↓

Tue, Feb 06 2007, 7:21 pm

But don't you think it goes without saying that a hot meal would be there for her, even if she's not friends with the host?

↑ shanie5

Tue, Feb 06 2007, 7:24 pm

Quote:

We once traveled 6 hours by car and arrived by our hosts exhausted and starving for a hot meal. There was not much food in the house to begin with and so she microwaved Shabbos leftovers (on a Tuesday!) and gave us soggy schnitzel, and dried out potato kugel on flimsy paper plates.

obviously not!

↑ amother

Tue, Feb 06 2007, 7:26 pm

I once worked for an organization where I traveled a lot in Eastern Europe to different communities. When I got to each community they were supposed to "take care" of me and my co-worker by providing an apropriate apt or hotel room to stay in as well as meals. A few time we were put in a place without hot water and/or heat. When that happened we politely asked to be put in a hotel and later got reimbursed by our organization. I know a few times people thought we were really snobby for doing this, but you know what, when you are working its really important to have your basic needs met, simple as that.

And if its the people you work for who are trying to save themselves money by putting you up in someone's home, they better darn well put you up in a decent place. I have to say, in a situation like that, where you are coming to be a guest lecturer or a scholar-in- residence, I am not sure if the young family with 6 kids under 6 is the place (unless the mother is a true superwoman, which can happen from time to time).

To the OP, in your situation I think either you or the organization you work for should send a list to the people hosting you of what your needs are. That way, if the host cant provide it they will find someone else. I don't think is rude at all. Also, hopefully the people you work for can at least arrange for a cleaning service to come to the home before.

MOM222

Tue, Feb 06 2007, 7:35 pm

There are a lot (there you do defy LOL

) of things I do not agree with the OP. However there are some points that I could internalize.
For me its realizing that some people need coffee and it ruins the shabbos if they don't have it. Here I thought I was the perfect hostes (clean bathroom, fresh towels, fresh food, water and food in the room... ) and I could ruin someones shabbos by not having hot water. So thanks for making me aware.

I only have one question. If these shabbos invatations are from your friends, don't you know how they live?? I am not talking about the work realated stories you have, just the friends ones.

And one more point you might want to internalize. I never show up to someones house hungry. Even to my own MIL that I know has fresh kugal and cake on friday afternoon, I don't come with an empty stomach. Yes I travel with nosh, pretzels.... even after a 22 hour flight I make sure to have something to eat before I show up to my host.

↑ mumoo ↓

Tue, Feb 06 2007, 8:16 pm

imaamy wrote:

The thing that always amazes me about homes like this is that "kosher" is supposed to mean clean.

I have heard kosher defined as fit, proper, suitable, even compassion but never clean

↑ HindaRochel ↓

Tue, Feb 06 2007, 8:54 pm

There are two issues really. Staying by friends, or being hosted because one is preforming a service for the population in question.

In the first case, except for first time visitors, one should know the basic family set up and make a deciion if that is how one wants to spend ones time. No list is expected then, though if you have special requirements let your host know so they can, if possible, accomadate you. (We are on a new diet. We can't have X. I really need a nap on Shabbat afternoon. I loved staying at your house last time, but the baby kept me awake. Baby's do that...but is it possible that we could have the room to ourselves during our stay?)

Howerver, if you are doing a service for a community, then you should present your needs to your company (the company should have a policy) and the company should present your requirements to the community member who is hiring you. They, not the hosts are the ones responsible for meeting your needs. That means they must find a home that has a special bathroom set aside, where the mother or father is home and able to provide a hot meal for you immediately, where the children are not there or are particularly well behaved or are older.

I can provide clean sheets, and probably would put a fresh soap in the bathroom, but we would all be using that self-same soap, and we only have the one bathroom. Of course I would clean it for you, but we could not nor would not accept putting OP up as a guest in our home because we could not meet her needs. This is a business deal and you need to do business. Part of your fee is meeting your expectations in accommodations.

That is MONEY in a different form. Therefore, just as you would state your expectations of how much money you need and the form of payment, you should make your requirements known (if you head the company) or you should speak to the company about developing a set of standards that should be met. Everything should be specified. HOW they meet it is their business.

If you feel you didn't get what you asked for (in payment) you should write and let them know. Or you won't be able to do business with them.
Similarly, if they were unimpressed with the quailty of your work they could not hire you again, or even perhaps, demand the company pay them back for your substandard services (obviously they would need to provide proof---you were late, unprepared, etc. etc.)

Hosting a friend does mean you try and make them as comfortable as possible and thus do your best to make the home peaceful, clean and enjoyable. However, a guest can't make demands such as hot food now, or meals upon request. You get your friend.

Hosting a business representative does mean you must meet their requests, or you don't hire them. If these requests can't be met, the buisness rep should be told up front. They should be given the choice of coming or not under the circumstances outlined.

It isn't a matter of what you should or should not bring (but I always bring my tolitries!) but rather how you should, imho, be doing business.

ie...get it in writing.

↑ imaamy

Tue, Feb 06 2007, 9:19 pm

Mumoo, true, it is my interpretation or feeling. It always amazes me when one goes to trouble to buy certain products, keep 2 sets of everything, then people eat with filthy hands. I've been in many homes where there isn't soap and clean towels for bathroom hand washing. That just floors me! You know that virus that is causing the hotel and cruise ship intestinal illnesses? I read if everyone washed after the bathroom and before eating, it wouldn't affect nearly so many people. So simple.

↑ mumoo ↓

Tue, Feb 06 2007, 9:26 pm

imaamy wrote:

I've been in many homes where there isn't soap and clean towels for bathroom hand washing. That just floors me!

I hear, also a lot of homes I've been in don't have a washing cup in the bathroom- I don't like to have to go into the kitchen and announce I've just been in the toilet

↑ HindaRochel ↓

Tue, Feb 06 2007, 10:53 pm

Not everyone uses a washing cup after the bathroom.
Some hold that doing netilat yedayim after using the bathroom should be done outside the bathroom. That could be the explanation.

What I was told was equivalent to using a washing cup was turing the water on and off.

↑ mumoo

Tue, Feb 06 2007, 11:00 pm

HindaRochel wrote:

I do that in a public washroom, but I figured a frum home would have one-
I kind of figured the outside-the-bathroom minhag, but again, it makes me uncomfortable

but about not washing after the bathroom? I learned there are 10 (?) actions that halachically require washing after their performance