Are you a good host?

↑ DefyGravity ↓

Mon, Feb 05 2007, 9:57 am

One time DH's friends BEGGED us to come over for shabbos - keep in mind, I have a friend in the area that I really wanted to see, and generally when DH and I are in town we stay there. The accomodations at my friend's place are great, and we like going there.

However, they completely guilted us into coming, and we agreed to stay there.

The accomodations were not so great. The bedroom door didn't close, and their kid woke up early and kept trying to come into our bedroom. Oh, and the kid was incredibly noisy. It was awful! I didn't know in advance that it was going to be this way, had I known, I would NOT have agreed.

As unbelievable as it is - our accomodations were supposed to be even WORSE!!!!! Originally, they were going to have another couple over as well, and DH and I were going to sleep in the living room - which was totally open to the rest of the apartment, and the AC in that room was so loud, we could hardly hear each other speak. And they were going to have us SLEEP in there? Don't people realize that when you invite people over you don't put them in a room with a loud, chugging, insanely loud AC?

If people can't accomodate guests, you shouldn't invite people over. You're not doing me any favors!!!

shalhevet ↓

Mon, Feb 05 2007, 10:00 am

I agree with Shani, shabbat, Ima'le and lots of others.

OP, how do you treat guest when you have them? (Oh, but you are busy saving your own $$ and spending other people's by doing them the big favour of staying with them.)

The blanket story reminds me of when I was staying at a family for Shabbos, during a winter in Yerushalayim. One time they left their bedroom door slightly ajar and I saw that only one of them had a quilt on their bed (this was a kolel couple who didn't heat their apartment much and it was c-o-l-d). I felt so bad, and after that I used to bring my own quilt on the bus when I went to stay with them. I just thought they were tzaddikim, not that I had to use their blanket (obviously with a clean cover).

I spent several years being a Shabbos guest in Israel and I only have gratitude for all those wonderful families who welcomed me into their homes. Yes, sometimes I even slept in the children's room and I never expected anything more than the family did for themselves.

OP, please come and stay when you're next in my town. (Just give me a few months notice so that I can build on a bathroom and farm my kids out for Shabbos.)

And please, in the meanwhile, grow up and try and be a little less spoilt.

HindaRochel ↓

Mon, Feb 05 2007, 10:08 am

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1. A married couple needs a bedroom and (clean) separate bathroom. If you dont have a separate bathroom, and we will be using the bathroom your kids just took a bath in,or that you and your husband use, please reconsider the invitation.

Okay, yes, a married couple needs a separate bedroom. But a separate bath? How rich do you think most people are? And we have three bedrooms; ours, my daughters and my sons. We would probably put a married couple up elsewhere, but my last guest, a single woman, stayed with my older daughter. There just wasn't anywhere else we could have put her.

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2. Please supply a fresh bar of soap. The old soap bar and loofah in the guest bathroom is gross.

Oh for grief sake. And why would you use someone else's loofah?

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2. Clean sheets! Its obvious when you dont change the sheets between guests and possibly the most offensive thing you can possibly do. It's really horrifying but quite a few people I know havent bothered. One couple even "lent" us a blanket right off of their own bed!

Maybe that is all they had?

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3. Please supply an extra pillow, especially if the pillows on the beds are old and lumpy.

And a mint on your pillow?

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4. "Help yourself to the fridge" is a cop-out. I cant tell whats in your fridge or how old it is. A host has to offer a freshly made meal of some sort. Please dont serve us leftovers on dinky paper plates with plastic forks.

Plastic forks and paper plates! How gauche. Well I think you should just beat them next time you see them.

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5. As cute as your kids are, we cannot carry on a conversation when they are all screaming and running around the dinner table. You may be used to it, but we are getting a migraine.

You go to a house with a family you get the kids. Or did you want us to stuff them in the closet during your visit?

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6. A messy house is disgusting and dirty diapers strewn about make us want to get the heck out asap.

You know the old saying; there's the door.
Look, the family should have cleaned up, but with kids you never know. You have everything neat and then the three year old spills the milk on the floor and decides to squish the cookies in it. The 16 month old has diarreah. You change her, and then there is a screech from upstairs and you find your five your old crying because he banged his hand against something. Run down, find the mess your three year old is making, clean that up, forgetting about the dirty diaper.

Life happens, esepcially with kids.

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7. We can make sandwiches for our flight in but for our flight out, please prepare an adequate amount of food so that we dont have to buy bagels in cvs on the way to the airport.

Should they pack it in a basket and give you china and silverware too? How about a going away gift? Do you have a specific menu in mind?

Really, this is quite nervy. Especially that last one. They have no obligation to send you away with anything; and what is the matter with buying bagels and cream cheese or whatever on the way out? I would never demand, or even expect my host and hostess to give me food to take on the way out. For goodness sake, if they do it is a kindness.

Yes, the host and hostess should try and make the guest feel as comfortable as possible. But they are doing you a favor by allowing you to stay with them, and a guest is not suppose to come with a list of requirements.

I am glad you are wealthy enough to provide a separate bed and bath and extra pillows and several full course meals and always on your nicest plates etc. etc. for your guests, but get real.

↑ shabbatiscoming ↓

Mon, Feb 05 2007, 10:19 am

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[quote="shalhevet"]I spent several years being a Shabbos guest in Israel and I only have gratitude for all those wonderful families who welcomed me into their homes. Yes, sometimes I even slept in the children's room and I never expected anything more than the family did for themselves.

shalhevet, myself as well, I was also a shabbat guest for a few years after making aliyah before I got married and I always was amazed at hosts that I went to that did not even know me (sometimes that happened) they were so warm and enviting....and I dont know, but isnt that the most important thing about being a guest? having warm and amazing hosts? thats what I always thought.

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OP, please come and stay when you're next in my town. (Just give me a few months notice so that I can build on a bathroom and farm my kids out for Shabbos.)

Raisin ↓

Mon, Feb 05 2007, 10:23 am

I am a little confused. The OP says that she is traveling on business, and cuts costs (whose costs? her hosts? Her own? Her employers?) by staying with people. If she is saving her own or her employers money, please be aware that it costs time and money for people to employ you. No to mention loss of privacy.

I live in a small community, where there are few frum people, so I frequently get asked to host people. If I have a guest, it means I will be spending time washing linen and towels, making sure there is food, making lunch, tidying up etc all this usually on a very busy friday. And my kids are still there with all their needs.

And I would think normal people when they travel bring their own soap, shampoo etc.

↑ ceo

Mon, Feb 05 2007, 11:20 am

amother wrote:

amother#2. If I had to serve my guests meals all the time, I couldn't have them. I barely manage to put food on my own table. I try to relay that they shouldn't expect meals, except for Shabbos. is there something wrong with that?

Just want to make a point- I think as long as your guest knows this in advance, then that's fine. It's quite reasonable for a guest to expect that you'll give him something to eat when he arrives, especially if he just came in from a long plane trip or something. But if its not possible to serve a meal, then your guest should know in advance. I don't know what you mean by "try to relay," but make sure it's clear, so that there is no misunderstanding.

I agree with Defy that some of the OPs "suggestions" are reasonable, but her manner is appalling. But especially not 4 and 7! How demanding.

LookingForward

Mon, Feb 05 2007, 1:56 pm

The OP might actually be as good a host as she would like others to be, however, that's not always what other GUESTS are looking for. Another words, OP, you sound like the kind of host that would go nuts if a guest wouldn't strip their beds or take out the garbage in their room when they leave, among a few other things I can think of that would probably irk you.
Honestly, OP, in all fairness, I hear what you're saying. If someone BEGS you to stay by them because it's been a while and you'll be in their neighborhood anyway, then at least you'd expect some clean linens. But you can't say that you didn't know what you were getting yourself into by agreeing to stay by them. If they begged you to stay by them, then you must know them at least well enough to know that they're not as neat or quiet as you'd like.
Bottom line, OP, book a hotel and meet your friends for a lunch. And don't worry about the business, let it cover your full travel expense. It's part of the job!

newmom ↓

Mon, Feb 05 2007, 2:03 pm

I also do not like the tone of OP's post. That being said, I always think it's a good idea to let potential guests know ahead of time what their accommodations will be like, so they can make the decision to stay by you or not. For example, if you only have a living room available for sleeping your guests, you should tell them, "only the living room is available for shabbos this week, so I understand if you would like to find somewhere else to stay."
Like Defy, I would not be too happy to show up at someone's house and be told that I'm sleeping in the living room.
I always let people know ahead of time whether or not they can expect their own bathroom, ect. , then it's their decision whether they would like to come.