How can mothers make amends to their hurt children?

amother ↓

Tue, Jan 16 2007, 8:46 pm

After reading the posts to the "My teens are abusing me with husband's consent" thread, I was wondering how children who view their mothers as abusive, would suggest their mothers make amends to them? Can the parent/child relationship ever be normal? How can pain be erased? If the pain can't be erased, and either of the sides can't start with a new slate, why bother?

All posters: Please give detailed instructions on how you would go about the healing process.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Jan 16 2007, 10:57 pm

GR wrote:

It seems to me that the first thing you do is say "I'm sorry."
Second thing- change your behavior.

Pretend you are in this situation personally.
1- If you feel you were very wronged by s/o, the other person can say I'm sorry til they bust, and change their behavior totally, and most people will never want to admit that a major change was instituted. They will always analyze the "wrongdoer" as being wrong, whatever the "wrongdoer" does.

2- Also, when discussing this with friends we agreed that, years ago, if kids and parents didn't see eye to eye, it was blamed on the children. These days, it's almost always blamed on the parents.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Jan 16 2007, 11:13 pm

It depends on the family situation. Sometimes, a heartfelt "I'm sorry" and a promise to make amends is enough, provided that it's coupled with the abusive parent taking the necessary steps to better themselves.

Sometimes there is no way to say "I'm sorry." My father was so abusive to me (I posted as "amother***" in the original thread) that I was given a heter exempting me from kibbud av -- I was given the heter (I didn't even ask for it) because it was the only way to end the abuse, and, all the more so, my father was using my chiyuv in kibbud av against me for his own selfish benefit. (My father was very conscious of the abuse that he was inflicting -- it was all very deliberate, in order to better his personal situation.) There are many points over the years where an "I'm sorry", coupled with taking proactive steps to improve the situation, would have been enough for me. But at this point, I honestly don't think we'd ever be able to make amends. If he did ask for forgiveness, I would certainly do my best to try to accept it, but I really don't think it's possible to "make amends" and move on at this point. I honestly don't feel any emotional desire to have a relationship with him -- all he represents to me is years of suffering and torture that I worked, and will probably always work, very, very hard to overcome in order to live a normal and healthy life.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Jan 16 2007, 11:39 pm

If my mother would admit how abusive she was to us growing up, and if she would tell me how sorry she was, and if she would take the steps to get better (therapy for her anger and temper) I would feel really good. I would appreciate it so much but I know it will never happen. My mother has never apologized for anything for as long as I know her. My father comforts us by tellng us she has never apologized to him in their entire marriage. He loves her despite this. I dont.

If she wanted to make ammends, I would need for her to admit how badly she hurt us and how wrong she was. I dont think I would ever forget, but perhaps I could fogive and move on.

↑ amother ↓

Wed, Jan 17 2007, 12:16 am

Abused (physically, se-ually, psychologically) grown child here,

I've never received an apology from my parent. I don't think I will ever get one, as she is nebach too mentally ill to realize it herself.
Looking back, I am filled with gratitude to Hashem for having brought me to the place I'm now. I am now able to relate to my parent respectfully. I used to get very angry at this parent and blame my parent, but at this point I don't expect anything.
I have gone through what they call ''the grieving process'', worked hard in therapy for a loooong time. Exorcised my ghosts, as some say.

The hurt has faded for me. And though I don't love my parent, I can no longer say I am angry and bitter. I view the parent with pitiful eyes.
It has been a loooong process, but totally worth it.

I don't expect her to ever apologize, and I can live with that.
She doesn't need to make it up to me, I needed to have done my time in therapy. The only ones we can change is ourselves.

↑ amother ↓

Wed, Jan 17 2007, 12:39 am

I think the only real making amends my mother would be able to do at this point is to go to therapy and even that wont be complete. I am now in therapy for round 2. She has really hurt me in a very real way and has managed to affect my marriage too. To the point that my father told me that if she cant "behave herself" he gives me permission not to talk to her... Things have gotten better a little, but I have so much baggage from all the emotional and verbal abuse that I went through from her! She once apologized and said "so and so said you migt be hurt cuz of what I said at such and such are you moichel me?" I said yes, but I cant say that the incedent doesnt hurt at all, what should I do? tell my abusive mother No??? And looking back at my childhood that incident was for sure one of the most painful ones...

A different story would be if my father would apologize for not defending me properly or sticking up for me or being there for me in a way that my mother couldn't... I think that would make me feel a lot better....

greenfire ↓

Wed, Jan 17 2007, 12:45 am

I think there are situations where a parent must apologize to kids - we are all people, so just put yourself in their shoes and see how you would feel about situation.

Some parents will always be in denial forever

Some kids blame parents when it is their own created demons.

I have lived all 3 situations and they are all difficult

↑ amother

Wed, Jan 17 2007, 8:11 am

I think we are missing a side here.
growing up my parents were wonderful. they gave me everything and anything and took nothing for themselves. I treated them terribly and just yelled and yelled until I got what I wanted. I blamed them for everyhting.
now that I am a mother, I wrote them a card and thanked them for being such wonderful parents, I told them how sorry I was for all the hurt and pain I caused them. I begged them for forgiveness.
as children and parents we understand how painful the relationship can be. dont be so quick to judge parents.
and as children, we should learn to apologize for hurting our parents.

↑ gryp

Wed, Jan 17 2007, 9:18 am

amother wrote:

GR wrote:

It seems to me that the first thing you do is say "I'm sorry."
Second thing- change your behavior.

yeah, I read yesterday (Rabbi Horowitz) that it can take years to build up a trust and only a second to destroy it. so when a trust is completely destroyed to begin with, it won't be easy at all to build back the relationship, but it will probably be worth it in the end.