My teens are abusing me with husband's consent

amother ↓

Tue, Jan 16 2007, 3:56 pm

My son gives me mussar and makes me miserable. My daughter refuses to listen and is always ranting against me. They have their father's support, he joins in, by telling them "it says in Shulchan Aruch that even when your mother is crazy, you still have to listen to her, and are not allowed to speak disrespectfully to her". The message is clear.

What can I do to remain at home without being crushed by all this abuse? Right now, I feel that the only solution is to be home the least possible amount of time.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Jan 16 2007, 4:24 pm

Ok. U sound like my mom. So, from the daughter's perspective, here it is. Let me warn u not to be offended. Just face reality like a mature adult. k?

I think there is a reason they 'abuse' you. So lets think: do u criticize excessively? not respect them? demand too much respect? Act like a child, meaning, expect them to mother you? Abuse them? Especially emotionally? Degrade them? Belittle them? Embarrass them?

If you are thinking: No, I'm not the problem here. Its only them. I gave them everything! I am a good mother. etc... THINK AGAIN.

If you are thinking: Y should I be the one to change first? Let them show me some respect first! Wrong again. YOU be the first to change, it will automatically be returned. Dont expect fast or consistent results, u might have done too much damage already to these poor souls.... Be consistent. You gotta change if you demand a change.

Last, dont hide from reality. Cuz it'll hit you right back. Deal with it. It's your life. It's your nisayon, may Hashem help you in your journey. Professional help is always recommended.

shalhevet

Tue, Jan 16 2007, 4:31 pm

amother wrote:

I appreciate that you have difficulties of your own, but that was very cruel to assume that your (possibly biased view of your own) situation is the same as that of the two amothers. We have no way of knowing how they behave, especially as teenagers can often be chutzpadik and this might be more of a problem with them getting their father's support.

livalittle

Tue, Jan 16 2007, 4:50 pm

I agree - one of the biggest forms of emotional abuse is when one spouse turns the children against the other spouse and join in making his\her life as h*** as possible. Very common, esp. amongst divorcees. It's not neccessarily a reflection of the woman as a mother.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Jan 16 2007, 5:05 pm

It wasnt cruel. It's real. Maybe her life is not the way I suggested it may be. But maybe it is. It is just a suggestion. You dont know the OP any more than I do. It was a mere suggestion. They can take it. They can leave it. They asked for opinions, they got mine. You can give yours. Rolling Eyes

anon

Tue, Jan 16 2007, 5:14 pm

The problem is that you didn't say "perhaps you're the one at fault".

Your post was telling her that because your mother was difficult, therefore she must also be the same way.

You were not suggesting a possibility. You were saying that this must be the way it is. That was the problem with your post.

Last edited by anon on Tue, Jan 16 2007, 5:36 pm; edited 1 time in total

greenfire ↓

Tue, Jan 16 2007, 5:34 pm

Life always goes 2-ways and it's easier to point at the other person and lay blame - we can only fix control and change ourselves and hope in turn the kids & husband will too - dysfunction and blame never go to only one or the other - so see what you can do to help situation - and point where they could help - constructively

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Jan 16 2007, 5:54 pm

why are u still married to a man who abuses you and tells u and ure kids that u are crazy? I suggest u put your foot down, and get some therapy to learn how to stick up for yourself and demand some respect and also, to help u not allow others to step and walk all over you...... this doesnt sound very healthy to me and id say get help ASAP!

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Jan 16 2007, 6:01 pm

my dear friend and her teen siblings were raised by their father after a divorce. He fought and won in court for sole custody, how sick is that. There’s nothing so seriously wrong with her mom, who was not even allowed to go to her own children’s weddings! I can tell you one thing, they have a very hard time building up a relationship with her, because of all the bashing by the father. Such nerve, so unhealthy!

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Jan 16 2007, 6:19 pm

Ladies, look at it both ways. Maybe there was a REASON he bashed her, or encouraged them to stay far from her. Some pple have problems and are not ready to deal with it cuz they think the whole world is wrong and they are right. To the OP, can u see a reason for this behaviour or is it totally inexcusable? Confused

mumoo ↓

Tue, Jan 16 2007, 6:45 pm

"d"h telling the children "even if your mother is crazy..." is a horrible (and complicit) thing to say to her children.

whatever her problems are, even if she is completely 'deserving' of bad treatment, her children are not allowed to speak to/treat her disrespecttfully

she is only wrong in that she is allowing this, regardless of what husband is doing

op, the first help you need is learning to assert yourself with your children

maybe the next step would be to find out if you are somehow inviting their abuse

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Jan 16 2007, 7:33 pm

amother wrote:

To the Miss Know It All above! You know one case only, YOURS! Banging head

I have a sister who feels that my mother "abused" her. My sister defines abuse as :

having been asked to help with household chores,
anytime my mother raised her voice or had a quarrel w. my father,
my mother not being crazy about her marrying a Kollel boy and telling her that she's more likely to have a harder life if she does, so she should think carefully (emotional abuse), Puke

my mother refusing to support her for as many years as she would like (she's married and my parents supported her for years) ,
the list goes on.
The poor girl has to work to support herself and her family now and is having a hard time and blaming my mother at every opportunity Pale

, while my mother has the audacity to put money away for retirement and not hand it all over to her. Rolling Eyes

There should be very clear guidelines for terming s/o abusive. This labeling, when not 100% warranted, is the worst abuse of all.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Jan 16 2007, 7:35 pm

Quote:

im sorry but many times the abuser is abusing someone for no reason at all. its crazy for a father to tell his kids he doesnt need to respect thier mom. its WRONG and BAD

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Jan 16 2007, 8:07 pm

amother wrote:

If you are thinking: No, I'm not the problem here. Its only them. I gave them everything! I am a good mother. etc... THINK AGAIN.

There's a big difference between a mother who gives everything and a mother who gives nothing. I'm sure your mother gave somewhere in between.

There's black and white and a million shades of gray in between!

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Jan 16 2007, 8:28 pm

I am a different amother. I agree completely with amother #3. anyone who doesnt see it that way does not come from an abusive home where the mother was in denial that she was abusive. (like mine).

I can completely see my mother writing the initial post here. She would wonder why we all are sooo mean to her, and complain about her behavior to us, etc. She is clueless to the damage she caused me and my siblings.

and to the amother who said her sis said she was abused and its worse to call someone an abuser than be abused .. all I can say is GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

you dont know what it means to live your life in fear, and to continue to be abused even as an adult woman in your own home. I have one sister who would also not say we were abused, but the rest of us know we were. That sister finds it easier to believe its normal the way we were treated. She minimizes her memories. She rationalizes for oiur mother even today.

it makes me sick. I hope the OP isnt abusive. But the fact that the father makes those comments makes me believe that its a definite possibility that she is in the wrong.

Goodluck OP. If you are abusing your hcildren or If they are abusing you- all of you need counseling. Its can save your lives.