PROPER FRIENDS | Imamother

imasenior ↓

Sun, Mar 13 2005, 1:30 am

I hear a lot about teenagers today that are exsposed to forbidden things, and I am concerned about such friends to my children. The concern is greater the older the child is. (especially when they get to an age that they go away from home, and I can't monitor them closely) Any ideas on how to handle it?

hadasa

Sun, Mar 13 2005, 2:00 am

I don't have teenagers yet, but I find that in Chinuch, besides monitoring kids as best as you can, you have to give them the tools to make the right decisions on their own. Eventually they have to lead their own lives, anyway, so I think it's important to be very open with them and explain why certain things are undesirable, etc.

Tefila ↓

Sun, Mar 13 2005, 10:49 am

Quote:

so I think it's important to be very open with them and explain why certain things are undesirable, etc.

I have 2 teenagers one doesn't care if he has friends or not the but right thing matters, he's an introvert w/h books, computer fixing, pretty easy in that regard.

Whereas my other teen ager is very sociable and needs friends therefore when sending him away we took this factor into consideration and and checked out the kids in his class besides the atchual yeshiva. And as Hadasa says keep an open relationship w/h them so you know whats going on!

↑ imasenior ↓

Sun, Mar 13 2005, 11:05 am

Thanks for replying. I am talking about a real serious problem. Otherwise I wouldnt post it. I have a very open comunications with my kids and they have the right guidlines, and of course we send them to places we know that are good.
I am not sure if anyone had this exoerience b/4 but teenagers can do things like read goish magazines and books and then admire those goish figures, and even try to imitate them.
B"H, my kids know how to keep themselfs out of it, but then they have to watch others who imitate goish beahviour. I tell them to be polite but stay away.

↑ Tefila ↓

Sun, Mar 13 2005, 11:24 am

Quote:

B"H, my kids know how to keep themselfs out of it, but then they have to watch others who imitate goish beahviour. I tell them to be polite but stay away.

I think thats all you can do and hope for the best. My mother even forbid catalogues in our home for that reason. Not much else you can do I think! Confused

ForeverYoung ↓
Guest

Sun, Mar 13 2005, 11:41 am

U can make your house kid - & teen - friendly, so that your children & their friends hang out right under your nose, and if anyhting happends u have better chances of finding out.

I know of someone, whose kitchen is FULL of kids' friends & she just sits in the corner, reading her Yaated.... and keeping her ears opened

↑ imasenior

Sun, Mar 13 2005, 11:47 am

That's a GREAT idea, but sometimes hard to do in small towns. Did you know that one of my children had a friend with a goish mother and jewish father who thought that his children are jewish. She taught my daugther about critzmach and we found her making herself wish list for getting gifts... she wrote it on the wall by her bed... B"H that girl left the school and we had to address the issue w/our daughter.

↑ Tefila ↓

Sun, Mar 13 2005, 11:49 am

Quote:

Did you know that one of my children had a friend with a goish mother and jewish father who thought that his children are jewish. She taught my daugther about critzmach and we found her making herself wish list for getting gifts... she wrote it on the wall by her bed.

Oy Vey we are also in a small out of place town but b"h don't have it that bad Exclamation

↑ Tefila

Sun, Mar 13 2005, 1:39 pm

Quote:

What about older kids who see their friends flirting with a principal infront of his wife?

Sorry in that case the principal is at fault he should disappear or be cold. It's not easy but girls try on men who are charismatic and friendly! Though he doesn't c"v mean to do it. he must try to do it for his protection both ruchnius and gashmius!
Since there was a terrible story in England conc a principal and this behaviour that went tooo far and wife and kids suffered shock

ZIVA

Tue, Apr 12 2005, 6:31 pm

children (especially teenagers) learn from what they see not what we tell them but how we behave and if you think you can behave in a certain way when they are not looking!! well you cant!! the best way to ensure your children do the right thing is to do it yourself.

sometimes even that is not good enough look at yitzchok and rivka, so dont beat yourself up if your children dont always make the best choices you can only do your best,

chen

Mon, Oct 31 2005, 12:16 pm

[quote="ZIVA"]
sometimes even that is not good enough look at yitzchok and rivka, so dont beat yourself up if your children dont always make the best choices you can only do your best,[/quote]

Right, Ziva! It bothers me no end how the schools assume that any unwanted behavior on the part of your child must be coming from the home, namely, you! "How can a child get this way if he's not seeing it at home?" To which I retort: "explain eisave and yaakov, then. You mean to tell me that eisav got that way from what he saw at home?" (Stern glare right in the principal's eye.)

You can only do what you can do, the rest is biy'dai shamayim. even if you allow your children to associate with only the finest children from the finest families, "stuff happens" as they say. One day I was called on the carpet b/c my son had used a, shall we say, "inappropriate" gesture in school. (The insinuation being that he had seen it at home.) I asked my son where he had learned that charming technique. "From ___________." (The scion of one of the First Families of the community.) "And where did he learn it?" "From a kid in camp." (A very frum camp with an excellent rep.)

No guarantees. As my best friend used to say "You do what you can and the rest you don't worry about."

chavamom

Mon, Oct 31 2005, 1:10 pm

ForeverYoung wrote:

This is sort of the line I have taken. My house is known to be the 'hangout' house. Shabbos afternoon, a lot of the boys from my oldest 2 sons' classes come over here, toss around a football, my dh learns with them, they EAT. My oldest dd is now approaching an age where we need to have separate houses though - for her friends vs. her brothers' friends.

I make a real effort to provide activities and things for them to do. For example, I am the mom who will take a vanload out on a motzei shabbos to go to the go-cart place 30 minutes away b/c I want them to have something to do that is supervised and kosher. We have a neighbor who despite being 'very yeshivish' is very lax about the video machine and what/who is watched/is watching. B'H, my kids don't go over there, but they have friends that do. I'd rather provide something to keep them busy with their friends than have to worry about what they might be seeing at the neighbors, yk? I am also organizing activities for the middle school boys for Sunday afternoons in a similar vein. First activity is horseback riding (yes, we ARE out of town Wink

) followed by a bonfire/kumsitz with one of the middleschool rebbes that sings and tells stories (yes, they *like* the rebbe and his stories/song shtick! Something to keep in mind when planning).