Fear for my Teen | Imamother

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Fear for my Teen

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amother ↓

Mon, Dec 04 2006, 3:50 pm

my teen doesnt go to school - or therapy - or to DR appts - she doesn't listen to a thing I say. I'm in constant fear if I say the wrong thing it could cause her to go over the deep edge. However, she's in trouble with truancy - which is taken seriously here - and I don't want her to end up in jail either - again for fear she'll go over the deep edge literally

shininglight

Mon, Dec 04 2006, 3:56 pm

Oy, amother - that's such a hard situation to be in. To say, not to say ... walking on tiptoes with your own child.

{{HUGS}}.

I wish I could say more, but the only thing I know that works is keeping the lines of communication open. If your daughter knows that you love her and that you don't approve of what she does, but that you'll always be there for her, she might end up coming to you when you least expect it. At least, that's what happened with a close family member of mine.

I wish I had more advice to give ... maybe others can share some better words of wisdom.

(Also, sorry, this is probably a dumb question, but what's truancy?)

chocolate moose ↓

Mon, Dec 04 2006, 4:02 pm

she needs real help; I just wonder what it'll take for her to want it. It has to come from her.

I feel for you!

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 04 2006, 4:07 pm

Truancy - absence from school ("playing hookey" in US dialect)

greenfire

Mon, Dec 04 2006, 4:08 pm

truancy is when u don't go to school it is considered unruly/delinquent - punishable in some states

red sea

Mon, Dec 04 2006, 4:25 pm

MASK 718-758-0400, they are supposed to be really good org to help with troubled teens.

Imaonwheels ↓

Mon, Dec 04 2006, 4:27 pm

Do they punish the parents or the kid? Where I grew up parents were fined and that did wonders in clearing up truancy.

The important thing is not to be afraid. I have been in the exact same situation several times. If you let them learn by consequences (don't bail them out) instead of punishment, make sure you are looking out for her best and not what you (or soc svcs and the authorities or school) think is correct you will get further. Therapy is not an answer for teenage rebellion anyway. As to dr, it depends on how important and for what.

It is very hard to say anything on what you have given but often the answer is to step back, build trust, mend your relationship. Do not try to get anyone to force her or make her feel threatened. You be loving but do not lower your standards. It is better that she know you disapprove even if she is 'going to do it anyway' than to lower your standards to create the illusion she is obeying. If you start the downward spiral she will finish it.

If she is confident that you love her and want the best for her she will come around. Having 6 children BM and up this is not an unsolvable prob.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 04 2006, 4:36 pm

I'm going through something similar. The worst part of it , besides the actual problem, is the guilty glances you get from people that think they know why you have this problem. Like armchair psychologists with uneducated guesses. Many people can figure out the whys and why nots of others' lives, but never their own. The experts say WARMTH is everything. I say it's warmth and mazel.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 04 2006, 4:38 pm

Do your best but DONT BEAT YOURSELF UP and DON'T LET OTHERS BEAT YOU UP WITH CRITICISM EITHER.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 04 2006, 4:44 pm

organization call Extreme didn't even want to deal w/her - too extreme for even them

and yes she knows I could get in trouble - she doesn't care

I'm trying to be more patient cause everything she does in my brain I want to yell "DO YOU REALLY WANT TO GO TO JAIL"? Instead I just treat her normal and make her breakfast and tell her she must go or check up on her in more of a normal fashion so that she knows that I love her unconditionally. One day she might just have to suffer her own consequences though - about her because of her - but I'm still afraid for her life.

shoy18

Mon, Dec 04 2006, 5:00 pm

Maybe do something alone with her something she enjoys and just remind her the lines of communication will always be open. take her shopping or to a cafe, but make sure its after school hours so she doesnt think she is rewarded for the refusal of going to school.

HindaRochel

Mon, Dec 04 2006, 5:00 pm

OP I think you are handling it just right. Treat her like normal and let the consequences hit her as they may. But keep on loving her.

Teen years are hard...very trying. She'll come out of them.

Hugs to you.

(It might help if you can give a general location; Israel, Europe, USA etc. There are different resources available in each place.
HUGS to you....

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 04 2006, 9:32 pm

whats wrong?????? what is bothering her?

Motek ↓

Tue, Dec 05 2006, 11:39 am

[quote="Imaonwheels"]Do they punish the parents or the kid? Where I grew up parents were fined and that did wonders in clearing up truancy.

Quote:

If you let them learn by consequences (don't bail them out) instead of punishment ...

Sounds contradictory. If you think fining parents is a good idea, how does that fit with letting the child learn by consequences and not bailing them out?

As for the idea of fining parents, I can see that makes sense if the child is five years old. But fifteen? Sounds absurd.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Dec 05 2006, 11:55 am

[quote"] As for the idea of fining parents, I can see that makes sense if the child is five years old. But fifteen? Sounds absurd.[/quote]

Yes pretty absurd cause I do everything I can, besides if I were to throw her over my shoulder or drag her to school that would be abuse in this day and age so I guess I can't win either way

↑ chocolate moose

Tue, Dec 05 2006, 4:07 pm

I've dealt with MASK. They mean well but don't knw evrything.

↑ Motek

Tue, Dec 05 2006, 5:57 pm

amother wrote:

What does she do all day?

Why is she behaving like this?

What do you hope to get from posters - advice, sympathy?

Will she talk to a rabbi or anyone about what's bothering her?

How old is she?

Is there a father and siblings on the scene? If so, what do they say about this?

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Dec 05 2006, 6:21 pm

if you're in New York, contact Project YES .

http://www.rabbihorowitz.com/

and

http://www.rabbihorowitz.com/pyes/index.cfm

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Dec 05 2006, 6:24 pm

Look up Christopher Kearney and school refusal. My son just completed a hospital psych program last summer. For the last 2 years he did not go to school on a regular basis. Last year he didnt even get a report card - and no yeshiva wanted him. A great yeshiva took a chance based on his attending the program. This year, he gets up, makes carpool and got only A's and B's in both English and Limudei Kodesh.

I am very familiar with school refusal. I would be happy to answer any questions you have. I doj't know if we can PM if we are both anon, tho.

It was a huge step for me, but my son was prescribed an antidepressant and there has been an incredible change in all of his behavior. (Most psychiatrists say that these meds are temporary as they affect permanent physiological changes)

If this is your daughter's trouble, it can be fixed.

P.S. Also look into "Parenting Your Out Of Control Teenager" by Scott Sells

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Dec 05 2006, 6:57 pm

she just sleeps all day

thanks I'll look at the books and I appreciate it

been there done that w/meds & hosp treatments

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