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-> Hobbies, Crafts, and Collections
-> The Imamother Writing Club
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mummiedearest
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 Sun, Jan 09 2011, 7:15 pm
| sunshine! wrote: | | I would love for someone (or everyone!) to critique my work! |
ok. your themes are very clear to the reader. you have interesting word choices. (I've always loved the word "cacophony.") very understandable poems. certainly emotional, very human. it is easy to connect with you as an author.
constructive criticism: there are times when your insistence on rhyme is distracting. you sometimes compromise your syllable count and grammar in order to have the line rhyme.this wouldn't matter if the rest of the content weren't so well-structured. I think you're very good with structure in general. there's also the question of the word "could" as past tense when the rest of the poem is in the present.
curious, do you rhyme your poems for a particular reason? I've noticed a lot of people here are heavily into rhyming. I find it very interesting.
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sunshine!
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Sun, Jan 09 2011, 7:35 pm
| mummiedearest wrote: | | sunshine! wrote: | | I would love for someone (or everyone!) to critique my work! |
ok. your themes are very clear to the reader. you have interesting word choices. (I've always loved the word "cacophony.") very understandable poems. certainly emotional, very human. it is easy to connect with you as an author.
constructive criticism: there are times when your insistence on rhyme is distracting. you sometimes compromise your syllable count and grammar in order to have the line rhyme.this wouldn't matter if the rest of the content weren't so well-structured. I think you're very good with structure in general. there's also the question of the word "could" as past tense when the rest of the poem is in the present.
curious, do you rhyme your poems for a particular reason? I've noticed a lot of people here are heavily into rhyming. I find it very interesting. |
Thanks for your constructive criticism. It frustrates me too, that I feel I have to confine myself into the rhyme thing. I usually get a poem going, in rhyme form and then somehow somewhere my point gets lost or the rhythm is not synced anymore as I try to convey what I am trying to say without losing the flavor of the rhyme. I have written poems that don't rhyme, but a lot of my poems start off in my head and the way I remember them is by rhyming the lines so it gets this sort of rhythm/beat going until I can get the chance to scribble it down. If this sounds weird to you, you are not alone. The other night I was telling my husband (who happens to be in the music industry) that I made up a song in my head-he looked at me weird and said "Um, how do you make a tune in your head? Don't you have to sing it?" I guess I am weird like that. I DID sing it-in my head....
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mummiedearest
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Sun, Jan 09 2011, 8:06 pm
| sunshine! wrote: | | mummiedearest wrote: | | sunshine! wrote: | | I would love for someone (or everyone!) to critique my work! |
ok. your themes are very clear to the reader. you have interesting word choices. (I've always loved the word "cacophony.") very understandable poems. certainly emotional, very human. it is easy to connect with you as an author.
constructive criticism: there are times when your insistence on rhyme is distracting. you sometimes compromise your syllable count and grammar in order to have the line rhyme.this wouldn't matter if the rest of the content weren't so well-structured. I think you're very good with structure in general. there's also the question of the word "could" as past tense when the rest of the poem is in the present.
curious, do you rhyme your poems for a particular reason? I've noticed a lot of people here are heavily into rhyming. I find it very interesting. |
Thanks for your constructive criticism. It frustrates me too, that I feel I have to confine myself into the rhyme thing. I usually get a poem going, in rhyme form and then somehow somewhere my point gets lost or the rhythm is not synced anymore as I try to convey what I am trying to say without losing the flavor of the rhyme. I have written poems that don't rhyme, but a lot of my poems start off in my head and the way I remember them is by rhyming the lines so it gets this sort of rhythm/beat going until I can get the chance to scribble it down. If this sounds weird to you, you are not alone. The other night I was telling my husband (who happens to be in the music industry) that I made up a song in my head-he looked at me weird and said "Um, how do you make a tune in your head? Don't you have to sing it?" I guess I am weird like that. I DID sing it-in my head.... |
lol. I sing in my head too. you're not weird, just musical. so you're saying you sort of think in rhyme when writing? that's really interesting. have you tried using the beat without the rhyme? I wonder if that would work. I generally don't work with beat or rhyme, I gave it up long ago. it never worked well for me. then again, I gave up punctuation and capitalization in poetry too. unless it served a purpose. I guess I just like breaking rules. have you ever tried changing the rhyme scheme for just one stanza? I think that could be interesting...
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the world's best mom
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Sun, Jan 09 2011, 9:06 pm
| mummiedearest wrote: | interesting to see how everyone interpreted "I" as a theme. I think we're losing the critique aspect of this group on this second thread. if I may start a discussion about the theme, I'd like to know how all the authors define "I" in the context of their pieces. what makes your piece about "I" as opposed to just containing a first person point of view?
I'd also like to know what element of structure is most important to the various authors. how much do you care about rhyme schemes, syllables, and general meaning? Most importantly, how do you define poetry?
I enjoy reading everyone's writings, but I find it hard to just sit and read them one after another. discussions are good for transitions. let's discuss. |
Critiques are welcome on my work too.
To answer your questions- My first poem here was meant to be more about Bishvili Nivra HaOlam. It was meant to sound like I was selfishly thinking that everything that happened was done for my benefit. That part didn't end up being very strong though. I think the theme of "I" is pretty strong in my second poem, as I am reflecting on who I am.
I happen to like rhyming. It's kind of like Sunshine said. I think better in rhyme. I admit that I am not very good at getting in the right amount of syllables in each line. I usually use an aabb rhyme scheme, or abcb. My first poem here was abab, and I like how it sounds like that.
Now for the toughy: How do I define poetry? This one is hard. I'll have to think about it. Maybe I'll come up with an answer by tomorrow.
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mummiedearest
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Sun, Jan 09 2011, 9:20 pm
| mummiedearest wrote: | interesting to see how everyone interpreted "I" as a theme. I think we're losing the critique aspect of this group on this second thread. if I may start a discussion about the theme, I'd like to know how all the authors define "I" in the context of their pieces. what makes your piece about "I" as opposed to just containing a first person point of view?
I'd also like to know what element of structure is most important to the various authors. how much do you care about rhyme schemes, syllables, and general meaning? Most importantly, how do you define poetry?
I enjoy reading everyone's writings, but I find it hard to just sit and read them one after another. discussions are good for transitions. let's discuss. |
I'm going to answer my own questions now. (I'm on two minute break from my homework  )
in the poem that I posted, "I" was defined purely by emotion. "I" saw the world as an expression of that emotion.
elements of structure: I don't believe in structure further than grammar. I am quite particular about the poem being understandable english. I use rhyme where it suits my purpose. that's very rare. I use meter when it suits my purpose. that's also very rare. I generally like to bend the rules of punctuation and capitalization in a symbolic manner. the most important thing to me is the sound and meaning of words. I define poetry as an expression, and rhyme, meter, punctuation and capitalization often get in the way of the expression.
now, back to my homework. I'll be back when I get sick of...well...homework.
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superjew
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Mon, Jan 10 2011, 8:14 am
| mummiedearest wrote: | | sunshine! wrote: | | mummiedearest wrote: | | sunshine! wrote: | | I would love for someone (or everyone!) to critique my work! |
ok. your themes are very clear to the reader. you have interesting word choices. (I've always loved the word "cacophony.") very understandable poems. certainly emotional, very human. it is easy to connect with you as an author.
constructive criticism: there are times when your insistence on rhyme is distracting. you sometimes compromise your syllable count and grammar in order to have the line rhyme.this wouldn't matter if the rest of the content weren't so well-structured. I think you're very good with structure in general. there's also the question of the word "could" as past tense when the rest of the poem is in the present.
curious, do you rhyme your poems for a particular reason? I've noticed a lot of people here are heavily into rhyming. I find it very interesting. |
Thanks for your constructive criticism. It frustrates me too, that I feel I have to confine myself into the rhyme thing. I usually get a poem going, in rhyme form and then somehow somewhere my point gets lost or the rhythm is not synced anymore as I try to convey what I am trying to say without losing the flavor of the rhyme. I have written poems that don't rhyme, but a lot of my poems start off in my head and the way I remember them is by rhyming the lines so it gets this sort of rhythm/beat going until I can get the chance to scribble it down. If this sounds weird to you, you are not alone. The other night I was telling my husband (who happens to be in the music industry) that I made up a song in my head-he looked at me weird and said "Um, how do you make a tune in your head? Don't you have to sing it?" I guess I am weird like that. I DID sing it-in my head.... |
lol. I sing in my head too. you're not weird, just musical. so you're saying you sort of think in rhyme when writing? that's really interesting. have you tried using the beat without the rhyme? I wonder if that would work. I generally don't work with beat or rhyme, I gave it up long ago. it never worked well for me. then again, I gave up punctuation and capitalization in poetry too. unless it served a purpose. I guess I just like breaking rules. have you ever tried changing the rhyme scheme for just one stanza? I think that could be interesting... |
Yea, I do that too. Well not song sing, but rhyme & poetry sing. It just flows sometimes. Not always does it rhyme though. But when I write I just write what flows in my mind, I hate needing to think about something because it just wont be good (to me). I'll be writing my I piece shortly. BTW, I love all your guys so far I just can't always critique because as I said earlier I'm not that literate.
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theoneandonly
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Mon, Jan 10 2011, 11:15 am
I
Who am I?
I ask myself whimsically,
as I comb out my hair in the morning.
The quick, sure strokes of the comb
make for a soothing rhythm.
I put the comb down,
pull out my scarves.
Hm... Black or blue today?
Pink, I decide,
spur of the moment.
I tie on the scarf,
smile at my reflection,
and am ready to face the new day,
armed with the thought
--no, the knowledge--
that I am who I am,
an individual,
with a pink scarf on my head
and a gleam in my eye,
and I can take on the world.
Mummiedearest, the point of this writing club is to have fun! Why on earth would I want to critique poems as if I'm in English class again??  But I guess if you like that, enjoy. I'll stick with the reading and writing tho, thanks...
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sunshine!
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Mon, Jan 10 2011, 11:19 am
I feel like the glue
Holding all the ends together
Mending the broken hearts
Repairing the shattered dreams
Connecting the drifting souls
But there comes a time
That even the biggest size bottle of glue
Dries out
And that's me
A dried out bottle of glue
I like critique. It helps me perfect my writing skills and is a glimpse of my readers' reaction to my pieces.
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superjew
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Mon, Jan 10 2011, 11:24 am
Sitting here alone
I realize I am me
I'm the only one to care about the way I feel.
I'm the one that knows my thoughts
I'm the one that knows my past
And the memories that fill my days.
No one else can go inside & live within my pain
I'm the one alone , suffering inside
I'm the one feeling sad & angry every day.
I'm the one that hurts
I'm the one that crys
I'm the one that sits alone
I realize I am me.
No one else can care
No one else can feel
No one else can go within to see what I do see.
I need to do this my way
I need to change myself
I need to do this for me
As I am all alone
I stand as me
Me stands as I
We can only do this together
For we are one & the same.
I am I, alone.
I find my strength
I get my power
I search within for my desire
I stand strong
I hold my head high
I will be proud
I may be loud
I scream & let it all outside
So the world can see what's within.
I released myself
I feel free
Now I can be me.
I work on being happy
I work on being strong
I see my son smile
I look within & I smile right back to him.
I bend my knees
I look into his eyes
I see a future
I see hope & life.
I take these feelings
Of an inoccent child
I take his strength
& bury it inside
I now feel strong
I now feel proud
I now feel happy
& sing out loud.
I am thankful
I am so blessed
It is he, my beautiful son
Who has taught me so much.
There is love
There is hope
There is strength
& there is happiness
I have found this inner core
That's been deep down inside
I always thought pain was there
Until I let it free.
I now know the truth.
Its the happiness we seek
That's deep inside our minds
Its what we think that makes us feel
It is all on how we make it.
I stand as me
Me stands as I
We can only do this together
For we are one & the same.
I am I, alone!
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superjew
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Mon, Jan 10 2011, 11:30 am
| theoneandonly wrote: | I
Who am I?
I ask myself whimsically,
as I comb out my hair in the morning.
The quick, sure strokes of the comb
make for a soothing rhythm.
I put the comb down,
pull out my scarves.
Hm... Black or blue today?
Pink, I decide,
spur of the moment.
I tie on the scarf,
smile at my reflection,
and am ready to face the new day,
armed with the thought
--no, the knowledge--
that I am who I am,
an individual,
with a pink scarf on my head
and a gleam in my eye,
and I can take on the world.
Mummiedearest, the point of this writing club is to have fun! Why on earth would I want to critique poems as if I'm in English class again?? But I guess if you like that, enjoy. I'll stick with the reading and writing tho, thanks... |
LOVE IT! I agree, dont want to feel like I'm back in class! 
I dont think my writing is that great as per literature, I dont follow any literary rules I just write...
I dont mind critique if its positive! I guess for me its a hobby & I dont want to put too much thought into it if I dont need to.
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robynm
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Mon, Jan 10 2011, 11:32 am
hey girls, keep them coming!!!
each style is welcome! 
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robynm
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Mon, Jan 10 2011, 12:08 pm
I look around me
I see a couple walking together
smiling
laughing
I try not to feel
I try not to remember
I see a a mother holding her baby
cooing and cuddling
I will not feel
I will not look back
I will only look forward
I will be strong
one day
I will get out of bed and try
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mummiedearest
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Mon, Jan 10 2011, 12:14 pm
| theoneandonly wrote: | I
Who am I?
I ask myself whimsically,
as I comb out my hair in the morning.
The quick, sure strokes of the comb
make for a soothing rhythm.
I put the comb down,
pull out my scarves.
Hm... Black or blue today?
Pink, I decide,
spur of the moment.
I tie on the scarf,
smile at my reflection,
and am ready to face the new day,
armed with the thought
--no, the knowledge--
that I am who I am,
an individual,
with a pink scarf on my head
and a gleam in my eye,
and I can take on the world.
Mummiedearest, the point of this writing club is to have fun! Why on earth would I want to critique poems as if I'm in English class again?? But I guess if you like that, enjoy. I'll stick with the reading and writing tho, thanks... |
lol. we discussed this on the first thread. I think the idea was that those of us who are gluttons for punishment can specify that we're open to criticism. if you don't want any, just say so.
I'm looking to improve my writing, and I can't do that unless I understand how a reader feels about it. also, I enjoy analyzing literature, so for me that's part of the fun.
I like your pink scarf 
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mummiedearest
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Mon, Jan 10 2011, 12:18 pm
| sunshine! wrote: | I feel like the glue
Holding all the ends together
Mending the broken hearts
Repairing the shattered dreams
Connecting the drifting souls
But there comes a time
That even the biggest size bottle of glue
Dries out
And that's me
A dried out bottle of glue
I like critique. It helps me perfect my writing skills and is a glimpse of my readers' reaction to my pieces. |
I love the juxtaposition of good old glue with dreams and souls! totally unexpected. and I like the non-rhyminess of it.
the interesting thing about glue is that it is not active. it requires some form of catalyst to mend anything. you sound like you're tired of being used. are you dried out by choice or by natural means? very interesting concept.
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mummiedearest
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Mon, Jan 10 2011, 12:22 pm
| superjew wrote: | | mummiedearest wrote: | | sunshine! wrote: | | mummiedearest wrote: | | sunshine! wrote: | | I would love for someone (or everyone!) to critique my work! |
ok. your themes are very clear to the reader. you have interesting word choices. (I've always loved the word "cacophony.") very understandable poems. certainly emotional, very human. it is easy to connect with you as an author.
constructive criticism: there are times when your insistence on rhyme is distracting. you sometimes compromise your syllable count and grammar in order to have the line rhyme.this wouldn't matter if the rest of the content weren't so well-structured. I think you're very good with structure in general. there's also the question of the word "could" as past tense when the rest of the poem is in the present.
curious, do you rhyme your poems for a particular reason? I've noticed a lot of people here are heavily into rhyming. I find it very interesting. |
Thanks for your constructive criticism. It frustrates me too, that I feel I have to confine myself into the rhyme thing. I usually get a poem going, in rhyme form and then somehow somewhere my point gets lost or the rhythm is not synced anymore as I try to convey what I am trying to say without losing the flavor of the rhyme. I have written poems that don't rhyme, but a lot of my poems start off in my head and the way I remember them is by rhyming the lines so it gets this sort of rhythm/beat going until I can get the chance to scribble it down. If this sounds weird to you, you are not alone. The other night I was telling my husband (who happens to be in the music industry) that I made up a song in my head-he looked at me weird and said "Um, how do you make a tune in your head? Don't you have to sing it?" I guess I am weird like that. I DID sing it-in my head.... |
lol. I sing in my head too. you're not weird, just musical. so you're saying you sort of think in rhyme when writing? that's really interesting. have you tried using the beat without the rhyme? I wonder if that would work. I generally don't work with beat or rhyme, I gave it up long ago. it never worked well for me. then again, I gave up punctuation and capitalization in poetry too. unless it served a purpose. I guess I just like breaking rules. have you ever tried changing the rhyme scheme for just one stanza? I think that could be interesting... |
Yea, I do that too. Well not song sing, but rhyme & poetry sing. It just flows sometimes. Not always does it rhyme though. But when I write I just write what flows in my mind, I hate needing to think about something because it just wont be good (to me). I'll be writing my I piece shortly. BTW, I love all your guys so far I just can't always critique because as I said earlier I'm not that literate. |
you're plenty literate. you don't have to count syllables or analyze grammar. critique can just be ""phrase x made me feel y. I'm not sure I understand the wording in phrase d." these comments can be very helpful. when you read someone else's poem, doesn't anything pop out at you?
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mummiedearest
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Mon, Jan 10 2011, 12:25 pm
| robynm wrote: | I look around me
I see a couple walking together
smiling
laughing
I try not to feel
I try not to remember
I see a a mother holding her baby
cooing and cuddling
I will not feel
I will not look back
I will only look forward
I will be strong
one day
I will get out of bed and try |
is bed a metaphor or literal? if it's literal, you must have a window near your bed
I sense sadness and procrastination of strength (does that make sense to you?) is the "I" here the procrastinator or the strength of will as in "I will?" interesting sensation of confusion here. food for thought for the reader.
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sunshine!
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Mon, Jan 10 2011, 12:26 pm
| mummiedearest wrote: | | sunshine! wrote: | I feel like the glue
Holding all the ends together
Mending the broken hearts
Repairing the shattered dreams
Connecting the drifting souls
But there comes a time
That even the biggest size bottle of glue
Dries out
And that's me
A dried out bottle of glue
I like critique. It helps me perfect my writing skills and is a glimpse of my readers' reaction to my pieces. |
I love the juxtaposition of good old glue with dreams and souls! totally unexpected. and I like the non-rhyminess of it.
the interesting thing about glue is that it is not active. it requires some form of catalyst to mend anything. you sound like you're tired of being used. are you dried out by choice or by natural means? very interesting concept. |
What I was trying to communicate is that I do feel "used up" and I meant it in an emotional sort of way. When you are the one that is called upon all the time to come to the rescue, it starts taking a toll on you in so many different ways. The issues I try to mend are emotionally charged and although I am not the main protagonist in all the unfolding drama, they affect me as well.
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superjew
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Mon, Jan 10 2011, 12:32 pm
| mummiedearest wrote: | | superjew wrote: | | mummiedearest wrote: | | sunshine! wrote: | | mummiedearest wrote: | | sunshine! wrote: | | I would love for someone (or everyone!) to critique my work! |
ok. your themes are very clear to the reader. you have interesting word choices. (I've always loved the word "cacophony.") very understandable poems. certainly emotional, very human. it is easy to connect with you as an author.
constructive criticism: there are times when your insistence on rhyme is distracting. you sometimes compromise your syllable count and grammar in order to have the line rhyme.this wouldn't matter if the rest of the content weren't so well-structured. I think you're very good with structure in general. there's also the question of the word "could" as past tense when the rest of the poem is in the present.
curious, do you rhyme your poems for a particular reason? I've noticed a lot of people here are heavily into rhyming. I find it very interesting. |
Thanks for your constructive criticism. It frustrates me too, that I feel I have to confine myself into the rhyme thing. I usually get a poem going, in rhyme form and then somehow somewhere my point gets lost or the rhythm is not synced anymore as I try to convey what I am trying to say without losing the flavor of the rhyme. I have written poems that don't rhyme, but a lot of my poems start off in my head and the way I remember them is by rhyming the lines so it gets this sort of rhythm/beat going until I can get the chance to scribble it down. If this sounds weird to you, you are not alone. The other night I was telling my husband (who happens to be in the music industry) that I made up a song in my head-he looked at me weird and said "Um, how do you make a tune in your head? Don't you have to sing it?" I guess I am weird like that. I DID sing it-in my head.... |
lol. I sing in my head too. you're not weird, just musical. so you're saying you sort of think in rhyme when writing? that's really interesting. have you tried using the beat without the rhyme? I wonder if that would work. I generally don't work with beat or rhyme, I gave it up long ago. it never worked well for me. then again, I gave up punctuation and capitalization in poetry too. unless it served a purpose. I guess I just like breaking rules. have you ever tried changing the rhyme scheme for just one stanza? I think that could be interesting... |
Yea, I do that too. Well not song sing, but rhyme & poetry sing. It just flows sometimes. Not always does it rhyme though. But when I write I just write what flows in my mind, I hate needing to think about something because it just wont be good (to me). I'll be writing my I piece shortly. BTW, I love all your guys so far I just can't always critique because as I said earlier I'm not that literate. |
you're plenty literate. you don't have to count syllables or analyze grammar. critique can just be ""phrase x made me feel y. I'm not sure I understand the wording in phrase d." these comments can be very helpful. when you read someone else's poem, doesn't anything pop out at you? |
Well, thanks I guess you're right. I meant to say that I'm not into the whole grammar & counting syllables thing, I guess. Of course I'd love to hear critique, I dont want people ignoring my poem
Though I know that it isn't perfect so not critique in that way. Maybe what you took of it, what you liked & understood/didnt understand etc.
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theoneandonly
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Mon, Jan 10 2011, 12:48 pm
| superjew wrote: | | theoneandonly wrote: | I
Who am I?
I ask myself whimsically,
as I comb out my hair in the morning.
The quick, sure strokes of the comb
make for a soothing rhythm.
I put the comb down,
pull out my scarves.
Hm... Black or blue today?
Pink, I decide,
spur of the moment.
I tie on the scarf,
smile at my reflection,
and am ready to face the new day,
armed with the thought
--no, the knowledge--
that I am who I am,
an individual,
with a pink scarf on my head
and a gleam in my eye,
and I can take on the world.
Mummiedearest, the point of this writing club is to have fun! Why on earth would I want to critique poems as if I'm in English class again?? But I guess if you like that, enjoy. I'll stick with the reading and writing tho, thanks... |
LOVE IT! I agree, dont want to feel like I'm back in class!
I dont think my writing is that great as per literature, I dont follow any literary rules I just write...
I dont mind critique if its positive! I guess for me its a hobby & I dont want to put too much thought into it if I dont need to. |
Thanks!  Yours was well written, but too sad for my taste. As I said, I'm here for fun, so I try to write light-hearted, fun poems, not deep, sad ones. Ah well, that's just me.
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