Spiritual death...

amother ↓

Fri, Apr 28 2006, 12:44 am

Before I get to the problem, let me introduce myself...

I grew up not frum. In elementary school I began getting turned on by yiddishkeit and In Highschool I transfered to an ultra orthodox school. I was very spiritual, I wanted to grow. I had a specific vision of how frum I want to be and I grew little by little every day, week, month and year. I never stood still and I remember soaring spiritually. My davening was filled with emotion and I took every aspect of Yiddishkeit very seriously. I davened everyday for HaShem to help me with my family (the frum issue) and to help me serve him best I can. I said shema everynight.. and most nights with a lot of cavanah. A big nisayon for me was sitting up while saying shema because so many nights I was so tired and felt like lying down. I 'looked down' at ffb's who did things by rote. Everything was fresh and new and I wanted to keep it that way. I was also naive. I remember being at a friends house and being completly shocked that the family was speaking loshon Haroh at the shabbos table. I remember thinking "How can they speak loshon Haroh, if its an aveirah?". Don't get me wrong, I was not perfect, I might have not kept Shabbos at the point, but I had a certain mind set ... certain goals and I was very detirmined to acheive them. I looked up to ultra frum people. I had a certain vision of how I want my shabbos table to be. Not like the families that sped through their meal, speaking about narishkeit sprinkled with lashon haroh and then rushing off to sleep. I wanted divrei Torah, zmiros and children saying their parshas. I wanted to keep chalov yisroel, to show my children how important being a "baal nefesh" is. I wanted to be like Isha kimchis and keep my hair covered at all times - my children never seeing it. I wanted them to see how beautiful hair covering is, along with all the mitzvos - this was my vision.
When I met my husband, he was amazed by how far I came and by my desire to grow. He used to sit and talk to me about my past and my inspiration. We inspired each other - we both wanted to keep growing and raise frum little neshamas that would grow up to serve HaShem best they could.

Fast foreward to today...
We live in a very modern community. We have a TV which we watch almost every night. My husband and I have our shows that we watch "religiously" (oh, how ironic). I never daven (I'm crying just typing this). I say my brachos mumbled, I often "forget" to bentch. My shemah is very shortened and mumbled lying in bed half asleep. My skirts are getting shorter and tighter, my fall (which I didn't even want to get in the beginging because of the trend to show the front hair) is now always a bit back - showing some of my hairline. I do not like to cover my hair and rip my sheital off the second I get home (great example for my daughter.. she doesnt understand yet, but she will- she already knows that when I have a hair covering, it means I'm going out)

I have found myself "not caring" about many halachos (kashrus issues, shabbos - I take the most lenient oppinion, or make my own rationalization). Like if I really want to do an aveirah, I will convince myself its ok. Things that I used to take so seriously have become unimportant to me. I'm sorry that this thread is so long, but I feel like I need to write down the details, for myself to see how low I have sunk...

My husband has also dropped a lot. He goes to davening on and off and almost never learns. Our shabbos meals are anything but spiritual, to much focus on the food, chatting - no divrei torah, very few zmiros. I have talked to him about it, but he tells me "first I want to see you change, then you can go musaring me.." which, I guess is fair...

I need help, I dont know how to begin to change. I tell myself "tommorow morning I am goign to daven", but it never happens. I'm either too tired or busy etc... I feel like there is so much I need to work on, I don't even know where to start! I feel lost, hungry - I feel like I am spiritually dead. I'm worried about myself and how I am effecting my family and how my children are going to grow up.

I still want the things I once wanted, the difference is now they seem SOOO much furhter away - I need to do teshuvah again but I don't know how. I have thought of consulting a Rav, but I dont know if that is a good idea. Do women speak to Rabeim about these things? How is he goign to help me? My husband says that speaking to a rav is not a magic solution and that its not going to help. Please someone give me some good advice... I'm so lost, I need some guidance.

TzenaRena ↓

Fri, Apr 28 2006, 1:59 am

Speak to a mashpiah. Ask her to guide you in your derech, and talk over with her each of the issues in which you know what you should and want to be doing, but somehow have been caught by inertia.

For example, women with young children do have a chiyuv to daven, but it doesn't have to be the entire davening, or lengthy. On the other hand, you don't want to leave out that important little bit. You need a mashpiah to help you keep your resolve, and help you figure out what that resolve is.

a mashpiah changes the struggle from one yetzer-tov or nefesh elokis against one yetzer-hora or animal soul to two G-dly souls against one animal soul. That makes the odds for your G-dly soul winning much stronger.

I know women who have reached their potential or more, because they followed the Lubavitcher rebbe's "heartfelt request" to have a mashpiah. Of course a mashpia is also for men! When your husband sees you growing and becoming stronger in your connection with Hashem, in the chinuch you give the children, and the light in your eyes when you do mitzvos, he will no doubt want to find a mashpia for himself too!

brooklyn

Fri, Apr 28 2006, 7:22 am

Try to work on one thing at a time. ie. today I will tak ethe time to bench anfter eating. Start in baby steps, do the small things. Then work your way up. It is usually the woman that determines the level of religion in the home. If you start doing a little more then usually the men will follow suit. Good luck to you.

ektsm

Fri, Apr 28 2006, 7:22 am

Brooklyn makes some good points.

morningstar

Fri, Apr 28 2006, 7:50 am

You can choose the step that is the easiest.. or you might prefer to start with the change that will "feed your soul most? " What change will do the most to create the atmosphere you crave?

YOu mention the"spirituality" of the Shabbos table: one thing you can do is be the one to prepare a devar Torah every week ( or ask your guests to).

You mention hair covering, clothing: are you ready to update the wardrobe?

YOu mention davening: can you commit to morning brachos and shemonah esrey each day?

Both Sara Yehudis and Brooklyn offer excellent advice.

I admire your honesty and self-reflection: the first step to change recognizing that change is necessary.

Wishing you much hatzlachah.

↑ amother ↓

Fri, Apr 28 2006, 8:45 am

By mashpiah do you mean a rav? or someone else?

southernbubby

Fri, Apr 28 2006, 9:12 am

Although you may not be in a position to sell your house and move, it sounds like the community that you live in is not very inspiring. Are you and your husband able to take a bit of time off to visit Eretz Yisroel ? Many people are inspired by the kedusha there. There are probably families that would invite you for Shabbos that would re-inspire you.

↑ TzenaRena

Fri, Apr 28 2006, 9:33 am

The Mishnah in Pirkei Avos says:"Aseh lecho Rav". A mashpia is a Rav in a different sense. It's perhaps defined as mentor.

In the traditional sense, a mashpia was (is) the equivalent of a Rosh Yeshiva in teaching the Pnimius haTorah, or Chassidus, a veritible scholar in Chassidus, who helps the students internalize and live by its teachings.

In the context of every person taking a mashpia, though, it does not have to be someone of that station, or an actual Rav, or Rebbetzin but can be even someone like a friend, who you respect, and is on a little bit of a higher level. There might be some threads on imamother about how to find or what to look for in a mashpiah Women have women mashpios, and of course men have men mashpiim.

Undoubtedly there is already someone in your life that can fill this role. A teacher you once had, people who brought you close to Yiddishkeit, a rebbetzin in your community. someone whose shiurim you attend....

Like your husband said it will not be a magic solution, but it is a good one, because you see, YOU are the one doing all the work, your mashpia is only guiding you. You will benefit most by being open with your mashpia, and then, accepting her advice with a certain committment . And it is supposed to be an ongoing relationship, not a one-time talk.

↑ amother ↓

Fri, Apr 28 2006, 9:41 am

I keep "Chofetz Chaim: A Daily Companion" next to my bed, and read a little each day. Though it's really about Lashon Hara, it brings in so many other things, and will change your perspective on life.
BTW, it's not uncommon to feel more spiritual and growth oriented as a teen/young adult. As one gets older, and busier with the day-to-day struggles of family, it tales much more work to stay inspired.
Just asking the question is an incredible first step.

↑ amother ↓

Fri, Apr 28 2006, 10:22 am

I really don't know who I can speak to. The Rebetzin isn't that type... I don't know if I can approach her about this. My friends are not on a higher lever than me.. maybe one but she is way to busy to do this.

↑ amother ↓

Fri, Apr 28 2006, 1:57 pm

Baby steps, start with one small thing and you'll fall down, but stick with it until you master it before adding the next. Rabbi Avigdor Miller zt"l had said something like this about two steps forward - one step back is the way to grow.

DefyGravity

Fri, Apr 28 2006, 2:18 pm

I agree w/ Brooklyn, don't look at what you've written and feel that you need to change everything at once. That would probably not be very beneficial, you'd just feel overwhelmed and wouldn't end up changing anything.

Maybe start off attending a class once a week, something that will make you feel inspired. It's hard to do things when they don't have meaning, maybe by attending a shiur about tznius (for example), you'll remember why you wanted to cover your hair, wear longer skirts, etc., and it'll be easier for you to keep that mitzvah fully.

In many ways, I'm a lot like you, and I know that when I've attended simple classes about why we keep halachos, it hits close to home, and for a period of time I'm usually better about keeping the mitzvos. (I'd probably be a lot better if I'd be more consistent about attending classes).

Motek

Sun, Apr 30 2006, 11:09 am

southernbubby wrote:

Although you may not be in a position to sell your house and move, it sounds like the community that you live in is not very inspiring.

I agree. And it can be very hard to change while living in an environment in which your neighbors and peers are living the unspiritual life you describe. Why, if I may ask, did you choose to live in such an environment? Can you leave?

The Rambam says better to live in a desert, all alone, than to live in a spiritually low place.

The first part of your original post sounds so special. You really need to find an environment to support your spiritual aspirations. And your husband is waiting for you lead the way!

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Apr 30 2006, 8:19 pm

Original amother here...

Since I last posted, I have started taking baby steps. I won't go into details but one of them was to say a dvar torah at the table adn I did it and my husband became inspired by my action! We sang zmiros at the table and had a very spiritual shabbos all together! B'H, writing that first post was kind of a cetharsis for me and made me realize where I was holding. Hopefully I will continue to have the motivation to keep taking baby steps.

The reason I live in this community is because we are part of the "part-time-kollel" here. Its a very modern community with a GREAT Rav who is trying to make the community grow spiritually. Before we moved here, we thought this was a community that really wanted to grow and become more frum, and that would inturn inspire us to grow. Turns out, the community is pretty content the way it is. In many aspect this si a very warm and kind community. Everybody is really "there" for eachother and in terms of ahavs yisroel and chessed, I can't imagine a better place to be. However, the community is lacking in the halacha department and that is where I feel I might be getting affected. I am not blaming the community as it is my fault. I need to strengthen myself and not let myself be influenced by outside forces.
Also, we are not planning on staying here once our oldest is old enough to understand. We obviously do not want to present her with the nisayon of living in a community that does a lot less in terms of yiddishkeit than she is expected to. But moving for that reason is a while away...

↑ amother

Sun, Apr 30 2006, 8:56 pm

I'm a diff amother going throu a similar thing where I used to be much better in teh spiritual department.

I decided to do a litel thing I know it sounds silly but.......

I paste a big smile on my face when I daven or say brachos. I think its realy helping me!1 embarrassed

Tila

Mon, May 08 2006, 8:48 pm

Before I begin, I must say I had a good cry. I addressed this issue with a friend this shabbat, and how I have become very lack a daisical. She reccomended some really good books. Many by Rabbi Bulka, and of course Rabbi Twerski. She also reccomended a book written by a Yemenite woman, and I want the titles. Once I get them, I will share with you. She gave me the titles on shabbat, once I left her house they slipped my mind.
Like you did, she suggested to slowly add things back. Today I covered my hair, it was weird since I have been hatless for almost three years.
She said that when moishe was on har sinai people did things without question and in time the fruition and reasons became clear. I had that once upon a time, and I am with you.

ILOVELIFE

Wed, May 17 2006, 10:07 pm

Just wanted to congratulate both amother and Tila for taking not- such -little -steps to add spirituality to your lives. We all need to in one way or another. May you go from strength to strength.