Going easy on caretaker

amother

Thu, Sep 03 2009, 4:45 pm

I know not all WAHMs are in this situation but - if your children are awake and not in daycare while you work, and are being cared for by another adult (your dh, a babysitter, whatever), how do you manage to go easy on the caretaker?

In general I'm easygoing, but I find it very hard not to nag dh - usually it's dh - while I'm working. It's so hard to be right there in the house and not be able to take care of the kids the way I want to. Every time that he ignores the kids for a few minutes or decides he doesn't have energy to take them to the park I start getting upset. I try not to say anything, because after all I don't give them every single second of my attention or take them out whenever they want either. But I find myself making lots of little demands - that he give his one some juice, or get that one set up with toys, or make the other stop what she's doing.

How can I stop myself? How can I calm down and turn off the "supervisor" mode that I'm usually in with the kids, while still being right there?

And how can I know when I really do need to say something to dh, vs. when I'm just on edge because I'm watching a job get done not exactly the way I would do it?

AlwaysGrateful

Thu, Sep 03 2009, 5:14 pm

Can you lock yourself in a room? You'd get a lot more work done that way anyway.

And imho, if the kids are in his care, you shouldn't say anything (barring, of course, dangerous circumstances). If he's your dh and you would trust him with them alone, you should trust his judgement even if you're sitting right there. I try never, ever to correct my dh unless it's something that I feel extremely strongly about (safety, etc.). Not going to the park, or not being "as" involved wouldn't fit that condition. Even giving them food that will ruin their appetite for dinner doesn't fit that condition. If something like that happened consistently, I would probably try to talk to dh about it NOT at the time that he's making the decision. Afterwards saying something like, "Dh, I noticed that you give ds candy sometimes at like 5:00, but we eat at 5:30 and I've noticed that he often throws a fit at dinnertime. Could you try giving him some crackers if he's really hungry at that time of day, or trying to get him to wait until dinner?" That way you're not attacking him, you're addressing a problem.

Mrs Bissli

Fri, Sep 04 2009, 7:32 am

I'm a big believe in positive feedbacks and motivation. DH will be more motivated to look after the kids if I don't meddle too much. Sometimes not seeing everything that goes on (starting DVD 30min before bedtime, a bowl of cereal and milk for supper).

Having said that, I found many babysitters can be intimidated and won't be as proactive as I want them to be. In this case, I leave detailed instruction--what to get dressed, what to do, when to be home, what to have for snack/lunch, what books/DVDs they can read/watch--but with several options so that the caretaker and children can decide.

BTW, I usually use the word caretaker to imply someone looking after a building, rather than people. You probably meant care provider, or carer.

NotInNJMommy

Fri, Sep 04 2009, 7:41 am

AFter having a nightmare caregiver for my children--I never thought they were in danger b'gashmiyus cv"s--I appreciate much more other normal caregivers who aren't me and who don't do things how I'd like, etc. for the "smaller things".

I've just learned from experience to let the little things slide. (little thing: changing dd into an outfit I don't like, being late for naptime by a little, allowing them to be a little wilder than I would, etc.;

big things: not respecting our religion(yes I had one give my kids not only juice (which I don't give my kids for health reasons) but also NOT KOSHER juice. This nightmare also would take off my son's tzitzis/yarmulke when they'd go out. Despite several attempts to give the benefit of the doubt, clearly explain our rules and expectations, try to make it "easier" to follow our rules, etc. she just poshut wanted to do what she wanted and didn't care.)

That made me appreciate the woman I have now. ok, so she doesn't make the lunch exactly how I'd make it, and doesn't clean up exactly as I would want, but really, I can trust her and she respects our rules, etc. and that's the big picture.