One invitation for the whole family?

I was wondering what everyone's thoughts are about this:

We were invited to a wedding via an invitation sent to my in-laws. The invitation was sent to:
Mr. and Mrs. _____ and Family. The baal simcha told my MIL that Family means their family which includes 2 married kids and their spouses and a single independent (as in self-supporting) daughter who happens to be living at home. (She said something like--Oh, I'm not going to bother asking you for addresses. I'll send you one for everyone.)
Nobody in the family understands why I'm a bit insulted by this.
Would anyone else here be insulted?
Seriously, I'm pretty sure it's proper etiquette to send all independent children (which can be defined as those who are paying their own taxes, really) their own invitations, regardless of if they're married or not.
Would you include married kids and their spouses on the same invitation as their parents?
Would you include single kids who are self-supporting on the same invitation as their parents?
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You're right--it's proper etiquette to send invitations to each adult family member but I have a close friend who ended up having to do this because she counted wrong when she ordered invitations. She really wanted the kids' families ("kids" were married and included spouses) to come but was too embarrassed to say she ordered wrong!

you're right- the proper thing is to send each person their own invitation. However, like the previous poster said, there are times (and it happens more times than not) that ppl run out of invitations because they miscalculated.

I think it was dumb saying that she is not going to be bothered for the addresses. Does that mean if you give a gift they aren't going to send a thank you note because they don't have the address?

Posted: Sun, Aug 16 2009, 9:50 am Post subject:

You're 100% right. When my parents friends/relatives make weddings, they send separate invites to us.

I agree with you OP.
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I think "and family" is ok for all the family. Many people cannot afford to make tons of invitations!
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Posted: Sun, Aug 16 2009, 11:06 am Post subject:

While it is proper to send a separate invitation to married children, I don't think one should feel insulted if they are included in the "and family" on the invitation.
The most important is that relatives and friends are told about the simcha (and when and where), whether orally or with a written invitation should not matter.

Gold Member Joined: Mar 16 2009 Posts: 2291

For my wedding (and my brother's) we sent separate invitations to married children, but not always to non-marrieds. And the OP is right - is she need going to get a thank you card for a gift she gives?

Gold Member Joined: Mar 16 2009 Posts: 2291

That's fine, but Miss Rivka Cohen isn't going to buy you a separate gift anyways.
If someone sent a separate invitation to me and my husband, I might feel like we have to give them a gift. If they just sent something to my parents I'd assume we're included in whatever my parents give the people.
Not that everything is about gifts, but that's how I feel.
Oh, and if someone's too cheap to spend a buck on sending me an invite, why should I send them a gift or a check?

ppl aren't that stupid to intentionally be cheap on invitations. It sometimes happens that you didn't realize how many coworkers or ppl that are from the shul- and you plain just underestimated the number- not that a person was cheap. And if the in-law family is buying the invitations- it could be THEY were cheap with the number of invitations. There could be so many different scenarios here. op, it's your job to be creative to be dan l'kaf zechus- regardless of what their real intention was. Part of being a Jew is having a positive outlook. It's also not worth the effort to be insulted. Ppl do unfair things with simchas all the time. They only invite married children or children over 18. It's not fair. We can only learn how NOT to act or conduct oneselves. So relax, and enjoy the simcha!

Silver Member Joined: Nov 18 2008 Posts: 589

My husband would never go to the wedding. Once or twice a day of a wedding my MIL would call us and say "x" invited you to a wedding.

You are right that it's etiqutte to send individual invitations out, however depending on what the person's reasons are I wouldn't be insulted by such a thing, I'd just think it strange.

What I'm about to say to you comes from the heart and I hope it goes straight to your very own same organ -
Look at the bigger picture. We once received an invite in that manner because of a family feud. In other words it was understood we weren't going to be attending that simcha in any case unfortunately.
If this person you describe is only doing it out of a lack of tact then forget about it, smile and go and enjoy the simcha thanking your lucky stars that you have shalom, which is nothing to snort at.

Why would I be unsulted??!!
Am I going to the simcha because of the beautiful invitation or because I want to share in the Baal simchas simcha? Does a seperate invite mean I'm "more" invited? Does the fact that the baalei simchos are spending so much money on the event itself mean anything to anyone??!!

Why would I want 3 seperate (usually thick) invitations stuffing up my mailbox, wasting paper and money on stamps when one invite for everyone invited in the house would suffice?

Am I the only one who hated pettiness??@! Shocked

Gold Member Joined: Mar 16 2009 Posts: 2291

octopus: of course I don't send nicer gifts to people with fancier (and generally tackier, while I'm at it) invitations. not that I can afford to buy anything fancy for anyone, really. My point is that invitations are for "units", usually a couple, or a family, single person, single person with date. One invitation for 16 people that do not live all under the same roof is not really an invitation for all these people to come. No way will they all get the message.

and to everyone: I recently got married and so did my brother, and without thinking much about it the rule of thumb was that married kids (or other kids who are clearly out of their parents' house) get their own invite, and everyone else gets tacked on. It's just the way things seem to work.

For example (and a true one!): we invited my grandmother's cousin Shaina to my wedding. She has four grown children, but we're only in touch with one and we sent him an invite (would have just been rude to invite the rest). Let's call him Moishe. Now, Moishe has a daughter my age who is no longer at home and I used to be friends with her when we were kids. But alas we did not order enough invitations. When we realized that I sent her an email saying something like: Dear Cousin Nina, I would oh so appreciate it if you could come to my wedding, etc. If I hadn't done that it would basically have been like not inviting her. I mean, do you think her uncles and aunts were all invited because we invited their mother? Are my parents automatically invited to everything my grandparents are invited to?
(FYI she said she'd love to come but couldn't at the end because of work.)

Maybe if the married kids in question are 20 years old and live 3 doors down from their parents. But if they live their own life, possibly with kids, away from their parents, yeah - they should be invited separately. I'm not saying you have to even send an invitation: a phone call or email or even a message via a third party, but adult children are obviously not invited to every party their parent is invited to.

Posted: Mon, Aug 17 2009, 4:03 am Post subject:

For family weddings we often get a call from MIL..."I got an invitation for so-and-so's simcha with a note asking to let you know about it too". Not the day of, mind you, and that would just be irritating, but it seems to be common enough. Common, however, doesn't make it good etiquette. That said, again, it doesn't make it worth being insulted over.
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Posted: Mon, Aug 17 2009, 4:10 am Post subject:

I agree with Starhavah that people should get over themselves about silly things - but that's what we should be telling ourselves.

If you are the one making the simcha, be aware that you can be really hurtful. I have a relative who is an older single, who lives in Israel, but her parents live abroad. When someone in her parents' country made a simcha they sent us an invitation, with her name too on the envelope (she is not my dd, in case people didn't realise). It turns out they didn't know (or couldn't be bothered to find out) her address (and we all live in Israel and are in contact, right?), but she was so hurt - and I think rightly so. She felt they never would have done that to a married couple (and she's right).

What's the point of an invitation? Is it a game? If you expect someone to tell their married children they are invited, tell them yourselves. If you run out of invitations, photocopy one or phone the people involved.

Personally I think each household should have an invitation - singles at home are included in their parents invitation.
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HOnestly, I wouldn't be upset. I'd figure they wanted me to come but couldn't contact me any other way. This was the way. Okay. Not the following Emily Post, but so what? I get to dance and sing and have a nice meal. Whether the invite was by phone, email, or via a shaliach, I am not sitting differently at the function itself.
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