Helping Non-jew coworker with jewish g/f

My coworker (non jewish) asked me today what holiday is sept 18/19. I told him Rosh Hashana. He asked for suggestions of what to get his girlfriend (jewish but obviously not too religious) for the holiday. I said a honey dish and sent him a coupla links to eichlers and the like. But now I'm not sure. Is that wrong? I'm not promoting the relationship, I'm sure it'll continue regardless. And I'm just not sure if I should say s/t esp since I'm the quiet pushover type, esp at work (I'm the only frum/jewish person in my office, and have almost zero friends here). What would you do?

I think it's really good. Anything to rekindle the link to the Jewish community! and if c'v they still stay together, at least their children will be Jewish and grow up with some links...
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Posted: Tue, Aug 11 2009, 4:04 pm Post subject:

Personally I certainly wouldn't have helped him.

If you feel you are able to I would talk to a rav about if you should try and persuade him to leave her. If that's not an option at least don't give any help.

Even if in the end it makes no difference, we are still answerable for our actions, and any part we might have in a sin.
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Making her celebrate her holidays isn't a sin.

Yes, if she can make them break it's a great mitsva. But it doesn't seem in this case she would go like this! he's a coworker!

Platinum Member Joined: Sep 10 2006 Posts: 6566

I would just play dumb, and not offer assistance.

ie. "I don't know. Hmmm" and change topics

I wouldn't say anything unless a rav really felt I should DO something actively to push them apart.

Of course, hindsight is 20/20. For a couple mos, I had a similar thing at work, but he didn't ask me for any gift ideas. I just gave a very parve response (oh...hmm...ok...) when he told me he was seeing a Jewish girl, and in private, davenned they'd break up soon.
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Posted: Tue, Aug 11 2009, 5:29 pm Post subject:

Platinum Member Joined: Sep 10 2006 Posts: 6566

Posted: Tue, Aug 11 2009, 5:40 pm Post subject:

OP here.

"He's asking for gift suggestions, not religious education".

Are you saying that to answer real questions it's ok but not gift suggestions? I don't talk to my coworkers much but when they asked questions about what is a mezuza, do I wear skirts only bec I'm orthodox, kosher related questions, one question on shiva, then kol isha, and even a co worker who thinks there is a chance (virtually non-existent, if you ask me) that he is jewish bec he thinks he might be from a family of morranos, well, I answered all those questions. fully. bec I think its better for them to have answers to their questions then to continue being ignorant and prejudiced.

I think what you are doing is fantastic, anytime you can help someone Jewish identify with Judiasm or teach someone non-Jewish about the basics, it is great.
Appropriate gift giving shows a respect for the other person's culture and religion.
Remember, you are the goodwill ambassador for all of us.
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I wouldn't suggest any gift idea...I think it encourages them to cement their relationship. I do talk about judaism with coworkers and they find it fascinating.I don't have a problem with that and believe the jewish people should bring "Light" to the world (or lagoyim).However, in the above context, I would no bring up any idea of suggestion to encourage their relationship.
We live in the US and my nephew recently married a portorican girl. My son had a bar mitsva and my daughter a wedding, and I made sure to tell him that he could come but she is NOT welcome. (By the way this boy is not secular, he grew up in a frum family).
Tough...

To the OP, I think you did the right thing.

I have worked with MANY interfaith couples over the years. Many many times, the husband isn't Jewish, but the wife is, so the kids are 100% halachically Jewish. We need to do whatever we can to make sure that these JEWISH kids are at least given the chance to become active and involved Jews with a positive Jewish identity.

In college I had a lot of friends with non-Jewish fathers who became frum later in life and now are living 100% frum lifestyles.

My SIL is one of these "half-Jewish" kids, with a Jewish mother and she has a very negative identity. In fact, if you ask her if she is Jewish she will tell you she is not. It's very sad and I think she will be raising her (and my brother's!!!) kids the same way. She already told me her kids would not have a bris, bar mitzvah, or go to Hebrew school. My brother and her fight about this all the time.

The guy knows that you are an Orthodox and knowledgeable Jew and that is why he asked you. It would be really weird if you pretended you didn't know. And yes, if he is thoughtful enough to think about how to celebrate her holiday it appears that he is serious about her.

Honestly if he didn't get the info from you he probably could have just googled it and gotten plenty of info.

(anon because of personal details)

Platinum Member Joined: Sep 10 2006 Posts: 6566

There's a difference IMHO between an intermarriage with kids that has already happenned and just a romantic relationship.

Posted: Wed, Aug 12 2009, 10:47 am Post subject:

Platinum Member Joined: Sep 10 2006 Posts: 6566

I'm not trying to push anyone apart. Not aiding in creating a tragedy for the Jewish people, which is what intermarriage is, is not the same as pushing people apart.

And plenty of people I know, as BTs, were not discouraged from being with the non Jews they were dating, but rather encouraged to find their true Jewish soulmate, and did.

We do not set up people for what they may become. We deal in the now. Halachah doesn't see a non Jew as a potential "Jew in waiting", and there's no chazakah for that. In fact, the statistics don't support that at all.

The true kindness and ahavas yisroel is not always in the mode of "chessed". Sometimes restraint is the correct path.

Posted: Wed, Aug 12 2009, 11:21 am Post subject:

on the contrary - OP I think you did fine ... now he is promoting her to remember rosh hashana and that's a good thing ...
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Gold Member Joined: Mar 16 2009 Posts: 2292

I think what you did is amazing! Anything you can do to get a Jew to celebrate being Jewish is a good thing. It's unfortunate it's coming from a non-Jewish boyfriend, but that's this woman's choice. I think you did a really good thing.

Honestly, the only thing that trying to break them apart will do is to make work-life incredibly uncomfortable, so people need to stop suggesting that. That would never work, because when people are dating they often don't care what their family and friends think, let alone some coworker. We have to live in the real world and do what works. The OP did good!