Found a POAS

Posted: Fri, Apr 17 2009, 2:24 am Post subject: Found a POAS

I guess dd decided to use a GPOAS. Not something I need to deal with. Needless to say I looked in the garbage for the results. Thankfully it said "not".

Platinum Member Joined: May 06 2007 Posts: 8548

I'm assuming dd is not married/underage...maybe it is something you need to deal with - birth control, abstinence, etc...
_________________
Just Plain Frum!

Posted: Fri, Apr 17 2009, 2:31 am Post subject: re: Found a POAS

Of course need to just simply can't.

Posted: Fri, Apr 17 2009, 3:30 am Post subject: re: Found a POAS

not easy at all, to say the least - but necessary, I think. try writing her a note or give her a book my own teens have found useful - "The Magic Touch" by Gila Manolson.
_________________
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional. (I haven't finished growing up yet; I'm still a work in progress - until 120!)

Posted: Fri, Apr 17 2009, 6:05 am Post subject: re: Found a POAS

OP is it possible your DD left it in the garbage b.c. she wanted you to see it. It may be a cry for your attention. Get guidance from a Rav/Rebbetzin or other qualified person and open a conversation about it with her.

I'm sure this is really hard... (((hugs))).
_________________
"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why its called "the present."

Posted: Fri, Apr 17 2009, 6:06 am Post subject: re: Found a POAS

Oh how awful for both of you ... and how sad that she can't come to you and that you needed to look. But now that you have seen, you can't simply walk away. I am not the person to advise you on how, but of course you need to deal with this issue in some way. Or what will you find the next time? Medical papers saying she had an abortion? Or suddenly "notice" her growing stomach and ask her why she thinks she's putting on weight? Or find yourself helping a terrified teen give birth in the bathroom bc she's been too scared to acknowledge what's happening to herself and you've swept it under the carpet? Do you think any of the scenarios I've described have never happened?

Speak to someone professional and experienced and get some serious, useful advice on what you should do from here.

Posted: Fri, Apr 17 2009, 6:48 am Post subject: Re: re: Found a POAS

Posted: Fri, Apr 17 2009, 7:07 am Post subject: re: Found a POAS

OK here's some free professional advice.
go and speak to her fast, but carefully and not judgementally which is almost impossible for mothers (I speak both as a mother and a professional) but you don't have a choice if you want to save this situation.

Whether this is a cry for help or not, it is certainly not the derekh you want.
But you don't always get the derekh you want.
Ask yourself a question and fast before you talk to her.
Would you prefer a dead daughter from an illegal abortion or for you to be with her throughout the process if necessary? Meaning would you turn your back on her if she goes off the derekh totally?

If the answer is yes then do what so many mothers do. Scream, rant, rave (of course not at first, but that usually is the end of some of these conversations), but if you want her to live, no matter what, as a Jew, as a gentile , as the worst thing in the world you can think of, then first and foremost go to her and tell her that you love her. NO MATTER WHAT. and that she is always your daughter NO MATTER WHAT and if she finds herself in a bad situation, on the way to being in trouble or even already in trouble SHE SHOULD COME TO YOU AND NOT TO ANYONE ELSE AND THAT YOU WILL HELP HER NON JUDGEMENTALLY. You may lower the boom afterwards but you will never use it as a stick to beat her with in the future. Period. End of story.

Then ask her if there is anything she wants to talk to you about. Non judgementally. Period. Then leave it at that if she doesn't answer. Give her another and yet another opening. Don't bring it up directly, it might just boomerang. Chances are that if you are sincere she will see it and will talk to you.

Remember this advice. I have used it as a professional, and as a mother, and it has worked over and over again.

This does not of course preclude your going to an on site professional for ongoing help, something I strongly urge you to do. First a professional, not necessarily a Rov or Rebbetzin who may not understand people like your daughter and just want to get them back on the straight and narrow ASAP with out caring how many people get cut down in between...

Hatzlocho.
_________________
"Olam Chessed Yiboneh", Tehilim 89.

Posted: Fri, Apr 17 2009, 7:13 am Post subject: re: Found a POAS

Another useful book may be "Unprotected" by Dr. Miriam Grossman, she wrote "the wonder of becoming you" many years ago, and this book is not intended for the frum community- is is about collage campuses, but the information it gives about the risks etc. are important for your daughter to hear.

Posted: Fri, Apr 17 2009, 8:39 am Post subject: re: Found a POAS

Sorry to be so dense, but what is "POAS"?

Posted: Fri, Apr 17 2009, 8:41 am Post subject: Re: re: Found a POAS

Posted: Fri, Apr 17 2009, 8:42 am Post subject: Re: re: Found a POAS

Posted: Fri, Apr 17 2009, 8:45 am Post subject: Re: re: Found a POAS

Posted: Fri, Apr 17 2009, 9:51 am Post subject: re: Found a POAS

There was a little bit of conversation going on. It just wasn't the right one because she really doesn't talk to me. She was reeling with horrible stomach cramps. Thought it was the after effects of the matza, then a horrible maybe period, then we had a weird conversation about ectopic pregnancies. She needs to see a gynecologist, get some birth control, and more importantly use her brains.

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 01 2006 Posts: 48224

Don't make her feel bad. She doesn't know, that's all.

For the record, a preg test change change after 30 minutes iirc. What you see as neg in the grbage isn't nec. so.

Posted: Fri, Apr 17 2009, 12:41 pm Post subject: re: Found a POAS

A positive preg. test doesn't change to negative after a period of time. My husband has this weird thing that he saved all of our positives from our kids and they are still very clearly positive, even the one that is eight years old.

Posted: Fri, Apr 17 2009, 1:01 pm Post subject: Re: re: Found a POAS

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 01 2006 Posts: 48224

I hve heard that preg tests aren't accurate after 30 minutes. maybe it's not always; fine.

Posted: Fri, Apr 17 2009, 1:28 pm Post subject: re: Found a POAS

After TEN minutes a negative can develop a faint "shadow" from condensation that can make it look positive. So a test that turned positive after the ten minute mark is invalid. Real positives don't disappear.

Posted: Fri, Apr 17 2009, 2:27 pm Post subject: re: Found a POAS

It was a very posh looking pregnancy test. Actually had words that said "not pregnant". I assume it is correct and cannot fade that readily.