I refuse to name after dh's side

I have a very bad relationship with dh's family. they are rude to me and im sickened by their behavior. for the last baby we named after my side and always assumed the next would be his. but I cannot bring myself to do it. I know its not nice, but I would have so much resentment I don't think its worth it. can anyone relate to that? anyone else have a bad relationship with their in laws and not want to name after their side?

If your husband wants it this has nothing to do with your inlaws but you and your husband.

Yes, I have a terrible relationship with my inlaws - my husbands relationship with them is strained at times as well - but being Sephardic, the custom is to name a son after your father and my husband is very worried about his parents getting furious for not naming after his father. I told my husband it would have to be the third name - there is no way I am using it as a first name and would rather not as a second. I told him if it were necessary I would go to discuss it with a rabbi because of my concerns. At the end of the day, the parents are supposed to be the ones to choose the name though and grandparents really shouldn't interfere. I know what you mean about the resentment though...

op here

my husband would probably like to name after his grandparents, but he never knew them so its not like he feels a personal connection to them. and its not just about me and my husband. naming after your husbands grandparents, who he never knew, is in big part to show kavod to dh's parents by naming after their side. I can't do that at this point. I'm so disgusted by their behavior towards me that I can't bring myself to do it. last amother, I'm happy to see I'm not crazy and other people share my feelings. thanks for posting.

I also have a bad relationship with my inlaws and so does DH but he was close with one of his grandparents who is no longer living and wants nothing more than to use that name. That is ok with me because it's for DH and will mean a lot to him. I hope we will have one of that gender so we can use the name.

Executive Member Joined: Dec 09 2007 Posts: 464

You have a strained relationship with your ILs, not your DH's deceased relatives. I would still consider using the name, or perhaps part of the name for your next child. My husband and I compromised on our son's name - one from each side.

Ultimately, you and your husband will name your child whatever you want, but be sure that your husband is happy with whatever it is. Talk to him. See how he feels.

Posted: Tue, Jul 21 2009, 1:23 pm Post subject:

I think you really have to consider your husband's feeling here - as the child is both of yours ...
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I totally understand strained relationships with inlaws. My inlaws have been horrid to me and I understand how sick they can make you feel. I'm certainly not going to call you selfish or immature or anything like that, because I have experienced the hatred that one can feel toward nasty inlaws. It's very very powerful.

Having said that, you need to consider your relationship with your husband and his reasons for wanting to name the baby after a certain person. Do you know that person? If not, it's not so bad because you have no reason to hate them. As for 'honoring' your inlaws, forget about it. Who cares. Let them take joy from the name...It's really not about them AT ALL!

What about just using the first letter, that way your baby has his/her own name, but you can claim that the child is named after a relative? So, for instance, if the relative's name was Chava, you could name the baby Courtney (LOL...yeah, imagine that...haha).

It might also hurt less if you actually use a name that you love. So if the relatives name was Aaron, and you happen to love the name Avi, so then it becomes less painful because you love the name.

Scr*w your inlaws. Just think of your husband. Deep down in your heart, you'll always know that you've done nothing for your in laws.

op again

thanks for the replies. so this isnt really a shalom bayis issue. my husband doesnt really care to be honest. obviously he would like to name after them, but he never knew them and isnt especially attached to them its also not that big of an issue in his family since the grandparents have already been named after by some. if this were a big fight between me and my dh of course I would discuss it with him and work through it. but its not. its really just about me and having bad feelings as a result of a name. I was just wondering if anyone else felt that when they used a name, or decided not to use a name because of those bad feelings. oh, and to the amother who asked how my husband feels when I say his parents treat me disgustingly... well, he agrees. and he feels very sad for me and wishes he knew how to fix things. im trampled on, ignored, made to feel bad all the time, embarrassed in public, etc etc. so he definitely understands why I have such pain inside. thanks for all the great suggestions so far, im going to try and consider them.

4 words here

I PITY YOUR HUSBAND

Executive Member Joined: Jun 21 2006 Posts: 301

I also do. Sounds like he doesn't have a very nice family.

Seriously, why do you pity her husband if he doesn't mind choosing another name?

ouch. (op here)

thanks for the positive suggestions, and ill just overlook the other comments.

I have the opposite situation -- someone I like and would be happy to honor wants me to name after someone who really wasn't a nice person.

Oh, and then there are people who expect certain names to be used, even though dh and I had never met the people in question, and nobody currently alive had any special connection with them, just because "they were family and you name after family." (between us both, of course, we have way more deceased great-aunts and great-uncles and great-grandparents than we will ever have children to name -- and everyone wants us to name after their great-aunt whoever, not their ex's great-aunt whoever).

So far the first problem hasn't come up because my plan of having only girls has been working brilliantly... as for the second situation, I've just given the names I liked and apologized later. I think dh's family is getting used to the idea that his wife has a weird "thing" where she chooses random names.

What helps is that we're still relatively young, and dh has other siblings, so they're quickly comforted at the thought of future babies who will be given these names. Maybe you could play it off as something like that -- when the child is born, if the idea of naming after your dh's grandparents still doesn't appeal to you, you can tell your dh that you're so sorry but the baby just doesn't look like a (grandparent's name) to you. And if his parents are upset, he can tell them that he's sorry, but you two just had a really strong feeling about (name you end up giving) -- but hope to honor the grandparents at some point in the future (/are so happy that they have already been honored by siblings/ hope to see them honored in the future by someone else).

Although I think the best path would be to try to use the name if you can stand it - you never know, maybe it will really suit the child.

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 23 2008 Posts: 9074

Can you do some research & find a Tzaddik who has the same name? Then you & DH can have the Tzaddik's name in mind & when anyone asks you can say "Oh, we named for Moshe Rabbeinu & isn't it nice, FIL's father was also named Moshe!"

Just a thought.

I agree with bubby.
I always used to worry cuz when the time comes for a girls name the obvious candidate is a realtive of dh who I didnt know well but never thought highly of.
so I thought of someone from jewish history with that name and came up with variations
it made me feel better
but in the end I havent had that girl yet
I"h

Op I have a similar situation with my in laws so dont listen to the negative comments because ppl who dont have it like us wont get it.
Naming after a parent of your in laws may actually improve the relationship somewhat. It's something to consider....Or it may not at all because sometimes people just dont change no matter what.
If anything, use the relatives name for the middle name and choose a first name that you like. Whatever you and your DH decide I wish you luck and B'shaa Tova.

Posted: Tue, Jul 21 2009, 7:33 pm Post subject:

I have a similar situation with my in laws and unless you experience it, then you really should not judge OP.
When we had Dd we named after my grandmother who was niftar a few months earlier and mil came to visit me in the hospital and asked me to reconsider the name... if we could say one name was for her mother as well, even though her mother had been named for already!!. But with Ds we gave him 3 names and one of them is for Dh's grandfather, we don't use it often but it's there.
I don't associate it with Dh's grandfather anymore it's now my child's name.

it was DH's turn to name, and our baby was born the day before his neices wedding. DHs family were begging him to go to the wedding, (12 hours after I gave birth) and B"H this was our 7th child.
he would have to drive several hours to get there.
when my dh called his parents to say mazel tov its a boy! his mother said, mazel tov- so will you come to the wedding?
his sister called to wish me mazel tov and only spoke about how it would not be right if he does not come to the wedding.
we could have named after his mothers father- in fact his mother asked why we didn't.
but I was so angry that I could not bring myself to, and dh to his credit was upset too.
we named him after a tzadik it worked out perfectly cause the bris was on the day of the tzadiks birthday. I have alwasy loved that name.
and one part of me is glad that we "ruined" our chances of naming after his mothers father. (the tzadiks name is half of his grandfathers) Twisted Evil

you gotta do what is good for you and your spouse, just think to yourself, if you were not angry at them in 5 years, will you regret not naming after that person?