He claims my son cursed his son!

Posted: Sun, Jun 07 2009, 4:29 am Post subject: He claims my son cursed his son!

I'm so upset, I can't believe it.

We live in a wonderful building. Truly, it's warm and friendly, lots of children running around, it's really a wonderful atmosphere. Recently a large family moved in, who has lived down the block for years so we all know them and they are very sweet people. They have a 9 year old son who my 4 year old is terrified of, and rightfully so since he says very scary things to him for kicks (like he told my son that his water gun can shoot spiders and that really scared him) but what can I do, aside from telling him to run away when he sees him.

On Friday, the father asked to speak privately with my husband. In short, he said he has a problem with my son. He said his 9 year old told him that my son called him an "$%&*# idiot". I am in shock. This child is 4. He has never heard that word and certainly never used it. (Obviously, his 9 year old IS aware of that word.) We live in a very sheltered area and he goes to a very sheltered Israeli Cheder. We do not have a TV in the house, nor do any of his friends. We do have a couple of DVDs, such as Uncle Moishy and Mary Poppins. )I know that my son is aware of the word idiot as he heard it on 101 Dalmations. I have told him that this is an unacceptable word, and he knows it. But the expletive??? Never!) There is no reading material in the house that would have such language. In short, it is virtually impossible for my 4 year old to have ever heard or uttered that word. I am also aware of his entire "fighting vocabulary" since him and his sister fight often, and I hear what is exchanged. I don't know how else to explain how virtually impossible it is for my son to have ever heard that word uttered by anyone that he would have ever been in contact with.

I called my son into my room for a talk. I told him I'm not angry or upset and I will not punish him, I just want to know what word he called So and so. He became visibly agitated, tears welled up in his eyes. and he admitted to calling him a "tushy". A tushy! Certainly a far cry from $%^&#!!! Do I even entertain the idea that he said that word? How on earth is that possible! He doesn't know that word!

My husband went back to the father and told him that he doesn't see how that's possible. The father said look, this is what my son told me and I believe him. But I spoke to you privately and now it's over and we're passed this. My husband said he's right, we're passed this, and has moved on. Why am I still so angry about this?? How can these people think that an innocent ultra-naive 4 year old could say that word? I guess I need to move on but I feel like I'm having a hard time maintaining the warm atmosphere that I felt toward these neighbors up until now. The matter is obviously closed but for me, inside, it really isn't and I feel like things will never be the same.

Anyone ever have a similar situation? Thanks for letting me vent.

I would move on.
Children in gan say some pretty rough stuff to each other. He may have used words he heard, but not understanding them not known or remembered what he said.

I would let it go, talk about good speech versus bad speech and realize, that this stuff on.

As they say in gan ze hu.
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But then again, I'm a dragon.
"The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows he�s in prison."
� Fyodor Dostoevsky (via cosmic-rebirth)

OP, you gotta let it go.
If my child says that some other kid did X to him, I will usually inform the child's parents. Finished. It's not my job to follow up.
This guy believes his son (who may be lying) and informed you guys. That's it. You don't have to worry about "clearing" your 4 year old's name. Just move on. And make sure to keep your kid away from 9 year olds. A 9 year old has NO business playing with a 4 year old.
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�All that is thought should not be said. All that is said should not be written. All that is written should not be published. All that is published should not be read.�
Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Kotzk

Posted: Sun, Jun 07 2009, 7:26 am Post subject:

Oh wow. You know I missed that about the age difference, I should have read better. I agree with Chossidmom. He probably should not be playing with a nine year old.

(although, as an aside, my youngest is one of these kids who can play with anyone. Kids gravitate to her. She plays with younger kids and older kids.)

They do not play together, as my son is terrified of him. It's simply the sort of building where all the kids congregate in the hallway in the afternoons and every time this 9 year old passes my son he "fake" hits him or kicks him or scares him just because he thinks it's funny and enjoys the reaction. My 4 year old would never play with him. I do not think this 9 year old kid is bad, I understand that it is typical behavior and makes a child feel powerful to have that effect over somebody. But I know that my son doesn't know that word.

You are right, of course. I do need to move on. I feel this crazy need to clear my sons name but really...it wont get anyone anywhere.

Platinum Member Joined: Aug 12 2007 Posts: 20496

I would take care of that 9 yo and make sure he never bothered my 4 yo again. It's not cute that a 9 yo is bullying a 4 yo and it's not cute that calling someone "tushy" (oh, that is sooooooooooo baddddd!!!) morphed into an expletive with the father blaming a 4 yo baby. Nope, not cute at all. Not worth your anguish. Take care of it, let him pick on someone else's kid.

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 07 2006 Posts: 2556

Thank you amother, I appreciate you relaying your experience. I honestly believe that this father believes his son over mine, which is of course natural. I just have to let that not bother me so much. Their opinion of my son (and, by extension, us as a family) shouldn't matter to me that much. (Though it does.) I almost feel like they think that I speak this way TO my children, or else how would they know that word??

Tamiri, I really really appreciate your validation, thank you. You are so right, he is a 4 year old baby who's most horrible language consists of tushy. Rolling Eyes

Platinum Member Joined: May 16 2005 Posts: 6262

your son was being a kid and kids do that its normal. I think that father totally overreacted! maybe his son did something to your son that upset him and thats how he expressed his upset feeling. I dont see the big deal. I would just wouldnt invite that kid over...

Last edited by Tefila on Sun, Jun 07 2009, 11:33 am; edited 1 time in total

B"H
If it still continues u op speak firmly not shouting or accusatory to that nine yr old (bend down to his level) and tell him to play or pick on someone his own size Exclamation

The worst case scenerio is he won't want to make u cross again Razz

Platinum Member Joined: Aug 12 2007 Posts: 20496

A kid told my kid their mom could easily kill me Shocked

my 4 yr old was so upset and whne he told me I allevited his fears then spoke to that kid directly saying 1. It says in the Torah we are not allowed to kill so none is killing anybody and 2. if he talks that way again even for a jk, I will let his principal know (he did not like that idea but it worked) aside from the teachers too getting involved. His parents would not do anything and just attribute it to kids being kids.

Again as adults and not parents there is little one can do. However if there are siblings that can help........... Once one of my boys at 6 yrs got into a real fight with a 10yr old to which my 10 yr old said you fight with one of us you fight with us all, and guess what this offender had not one two or three kids to contend with but 4!. He stopped the fighting immediatley never happend again b'h.

Posted: Sun, Jun 07 2009, 11:47 am Post subject:

so if you hear this 9 year old fighting with his sister using bad language - how could your son not hear this as well ...

but - some things should just be let go ... once parents took a stand in communicating and apologies exchanged ... don't be so heated there are bigger issues in life than "tushy"
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NUTso but cute ~ things balance out Nervous

OP here, thank you all again for your words.

Green, I might have been a little unclear...what I meant was my 4 year old son fights with his sister (my daughter) and therefore, I have already heard his entire "fighting vocabulary". If he was aware of such words, it would have certainly come up in my presence during a sibling episode.

Thanks again.

I would watch to make suyre those kids dont come near him

It sounds like you may have to talk and role-play with your son and give him some strategies for dealing with the 9-year-old bully. I don't know what age kids start with karate (he might be a bit young?) but it's often recommended for giving kids confidence.

Diamond Member Joined: Sep 18 2004 Posts: 2600