How to send condolences to a nonJew

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 25 2006 Posts: 3199

I have some non jewish neighbors on my block that I'm friendly with and I know that one of those neighbors, her husband is not well. They're an old couple and I don't know exactly what happened but quite a few weeks ago he was taken by ambulance to the hospital and was in a nursing home until last week. He's been home but I hear from his wife and from the other neighbors who visit him that he's not well. He's on oxygen and they don't know what's going to be with him. My question is, if and when he dies, what are the rules for sending over flowers and condolence wishes. What exactly do I say or write on a card. When do I send it? I'd like to be prepared so that when one of those other neighbors will tell me that he's passed away I'll know how to respond.

I don't think , they would be too happy to know that you're planning for his death! Confused

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 25 2006 Posts: 3199

Silver Member Joined: Dec 11 2008 Posts: 537

Where I come from you send flowers for the day of the funeral to the house, in whites including lillies preferably. On the card you can write something like, with sympathy from family x, he will be missed.

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 25 2006 Posts: 3199

Moderator Joined: Dec 26 2005 Age: 33 Posts: 11430

Platinum Member Joined: Mar 07 2007 Posts: 10429

choose a pareve-looking "in sympathy" card, or use a blank card with a pareve pic on it like a vase of flowers or a landscape. Inside write something like "I was sorry to hear of the recent loss of your beloved husband Aloysius. He was such a friendly person, and his cheerful "good morning" always made me smile. The neighborhood won't be the same without him. May your loving memories of your life together comfort you in your sorrow."

IOW, pretty much the same thing you'd write to a jewish person, without the religious references.

You can send the card as soon as you've been informed of the death. there is no issue of aninut outside of Judaism.

If you meet the widow on the street, just say "I was so sorry to hear of your loss" with or without adding "he was one of my favorite people" or similar complimentary statement.

I would check with a rav before sending flowers, as flowers are a non jewish custom. understood that the neighbors are not Jewish, but we don't cater to non jewish customs. A better idea would be to follow Jewish custom and send food.

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 25 2006 Posts: 3199

Platinum Member Joined: Mar 07 2007 Posts: 10429

Nice try, but your new title leaves us clueless. Try calling a spade a spade and titling the thread "how to send condolences to a nonJew?"

I hate to disillusion you, but newspapers are not quite so finicky. apparantly they have obituries written up of famous people in case they die suddenly. before the queen mother died in england they had all sorts of plans what to do when she died.

my dh is a rabbi and has to deal a lot with families in these situations. of course we want to hope that they will only get better but to many times you have to face reality, for example to daven with the sick person before death you have to face the fact that they may be dying soon.

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 25 2006 Posts: 3199

Moderator Joined: Dec 26 2005 Age: 33 Posts: 11430

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 25 2006 Posts: 3199

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 25 2006 Posts: 3199

Moderator Joined: Dec 26 2005 Age: 33 Posts: 11430

I was talking to raisin, not you. If you don't like my responses, either don't post things that are controversial, or put me on ignore.

Posted: Thu, Mar 19 2009, 2:30 pm Post subject:

That is a kind gesture!

When our neighbours mum died of cancer ...we sent a donation to the cancer institute and a card by mail .
they loved that!
Very Happy

Buhlight, what a thoughtful neighbour you are.

You can always ask the family how he is doing, tell them that you think about him and he is on your prayer. I would send a neutral sympathy card, probably won't do flowers. Not sure about sending foods, though it probably won't hurt to ask the family if you can bring something. I would probably ask if there is a charity of choice you can make contribution.

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 25 2006 Posts: 3199

Thanks everyone for your replies! When I told DH about the ideas that all of you have given me, he agreed with the card but said that I shouldn't send flowers. At least I'm prepared now. And I do ask how he's doing whenever I see his wife or any of their friends from the block. I'm constantly wishing him well when I speak with them.