Special requirements/preferences

Posted: Fri, Feb 27 2009, 7:18 am Post subject: special requirements/preferences

If you have special food preferences/requirements that cost more money, do you tell your hosts when going away and make them feel obligated to buy your special foods or just eat what you can from what they make? I'm talking about if someone says they only eat rye sourdough challah, or only eat beef and not chicken (in a place where beef is much more expensive), or special more expensive hechsherim etc? Do you offer to chip in to mitigate the cost of the expensive food? What is the right, proper, thing to do.

Posted: Fri, Feb 27 2009, 7:57 am Post subject:

If it's a question of Halacha or health, I make a point of telling my hosts. Otherwise, I can suck it up on water challah as opposed to sweet egg challah.

If my hosts ask me if I have allergies or preferences, I will tell them that there are no food allergies, my husband doesn't like peas and I prefer white meat to dark meat chicken.
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Posted: Fri, Feb 27 2009, 8:19 am Post subject:

I would also ask if the family preferred meat to chicken. That way if the wife has an issue she doesn't have to play with her food and can actually eat.
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Platinum Member Joined: Sep 10 2006 Posts: 6561

hm....I went 9 mos (hint hint) not eating eating chicken (hence only beef or fish), but I never asked a host to accomodate me. I'd just eat other foods on the table. I wasn't going to waste away. I would have been embarassed to tell my host that knowing that beef is so much more expensive.
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Posted: Fri, Feb 27 2009, 8:34 am Post subject:

That's why I offer, I would never ask. But if you stated my preference is meat and I've asked there is no problem. If I ask and you say chicken, well I can just assume that it is your preference, but it does give a woman a chance to decide what is best for her.

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 23 2008 Posts: 9074

I don't think it's rude to bring your own food if it's expensive, hard to get/cook, or because of special circs like allergies. And if I bring a dish I make sure to bring something I know I will eat, just in case I can't eat the other stuff. But I don't think it's nice to ask hosts to get in special food, unless it's family (My mother bought all my favorite goodies in anticipation of my visit next week, & I do the same for my kids.)

Posted: Fri, Feb 27 2009, 9:08 am Post subject:

Posted: Fri, Feb 27 2009, 9:21 am Post subject:

Gold Member Joined: Dec 25 2007 Posts: 1247

My dd is gluten free (she has celiac disease) so I will advise the host but offer to bring my own food for her if I sense that accommodation will be difficult (even psychologically) for the host. When I have guests I ask about food preferences and allergies and try to accommodate, if possible. My kids are, as a rule, picky but I do not bring up their nutty food issues, unless pressed.

This once got me into trouble. Before my in laws were coming for shabbos, I asked mother in law what to get special from the grocery. I got a full page list of what to cook and how. (This was when I was pregnant and working full time and was barely up to cooking at all) I think that when you are a guest just eat what they have or bring something along to share in a nice way. It won't kill you if you eat Iceberg lettuce vs Romaine for one shabbos. Of course, if it's a real medical reason it's different but when it's just a prefference or because you decide to be fanatically into health, live with it for one shabbos, bring your own or don't come.

Posted: Fri, Feb 27 2009, 9:57 am Post subject:

Posted: Fri, Feb 27 2009, 10:09 am Post subject:

I invite for the food and go out for the company ... (or at least I did so before I became a hermit)

as for food preferences my dxh is allergic to tomatoes and many people put ketchup or bbq in their cholent (we learned this the hard way) - so I would mention it ... as for me I say I'm allergic to margarine but only when I'm sitting there so that they tell me if s/t has it in and if it does I simply pass on it ...

you could always fill up on salad and challah ...
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Posted: Fri, Feb 27 2009, 10:12 am Post subject:

Gold Member Joined: Jun 11 2008 Posts: 1974 Location: NJ

On a similar but slightly different topic, I had told my local Bikur Cholim that I was able to prepare meals for new mothers when needed. I was asked to make a meal for someone whom I knew and was slightly friendly with, although I wouldn't call us close friends -- just so no one misunderstands, the part about us not being close friends is only relevant when you hear the next part of the story. (It's incredible that this story still annoys me to this day, around 5 years later!) When I spoke to the woman who was coordinating it, I got a LONG list of "dos" and "don't's," and we are not talking about allergies here. We are talking like, none of this vegetable or that one, only white meat and no dark meat or cheese etc... I had prepared meals before and NEVER gotten a "list" like this. Of course I complied with the mother's wishes, but being that, like I said, these were "preferences" rather than allergies I definitely felt put upon. When I received meals from the Bikur Cholim volunteers, I was very grateful for whatever we got, including approximately three nights of lasagana, take out food in containers, etc. It is something people do as a chessed, and even though I would obviously want to know if someone couldn't eat a specific food for health reasons, I thought it was very rude of this woman to act like she was ordering from a restaurant. To relate it to what we're discussing here, I really think that as a hostess, I would like to know if anyone has food allergies (or is a total vegetarian), but in terms of people being picky eaters, I feel like as long as I prepare a variety of food, (which one usually does for a Shabbos meal, take a look at some of the menus here! Wink

) your guests should be able to find SOMETHING to eat. If someone is that picky of an eater that they leave the table hungry, well, not to be nasty but this is obviously a problem they have encountered before and will encounter again. And from the guest side of things, being as I am not a picky eater I have not had this problem. That doesn't mean that I'm always going to like everything the hostess prepared or eat everything on the table, but is that really necessary anyway?

my father once went somewhere for a meal and he can't stand raisins. EVERYTHING there had raisins.
Challah with raisins.
Carrot salad with raisins.
Noodle kugel with raisins.
Rice with raisins.
Chicken with raisins....
Not even ONE food without raisins...

You cant always say "Well, I'll just eat whatever doesnt have ___" because sometimes everything has that.

Platinum Member Joined: Aug 12 2007 Posts: 20487

I ask if people have allergies or anything they can't eat. When I am a guest I beg people to KISS and not work hard for us, we are there for the company.

Posted: Fri, Feb 27 2009, 10:31 am Post subject:

Gold Member Joined: Jun 11 2008 Posts: 1974 Location: NJ

Well, again, I think it's at least incumbent upon the hostess to prepare enough of a variety of foods so that not everything has similar ingredients or the same ingredients like in your father's case. (Did the cholent have raisins in it? Wink

)