Taking a kid to therapy w/o making him feel he has a problem

My fourteen year old son is a wonderful boy, a good learner B"H, disciplined, understanding, sensitive etc. Nevertheless, he seems to have rather serious self-image issues, doesn't recognise his own talents, sometimes seems to be very tense and stressed out, is struggling socially and neglects his external appearance, wearing dirty and torn clothes, which obviously doesn't add to his social standing and so on.
One educational consultant has told us that while he wouldn't say that our son's depressed, we have to be very careful with his feelings.
His Rosh Yeshivah has spoken to my dh, saying that my son cries too often for a boy his age, and he would suggest therapy.

On the one hand, I do feel he is improving slowly, he seems much more relaxed than last year, and I believe many of these problems will pass with time. On the other hand, if he is suffering at the moment and there's something we can do to help, them why wait? I myself had many issues, some similar to his and some different, from third through tenth grade, and although I outgrew most of them, maybe therapy would have spared at least part of eight years of suffering.

One question is, will taking him to therapy make him feel more than ever that "he has a problem" and damage his self image even more? How do I not make it worse than it is?

I don't think it's age-appropriate for boys that age to cry at all. His Rosh Yeshivah was wording it very kindly. He definitely needs help, IMO, but your question is valid. maybe you could find a rav who has studied counseling and could "talk" to him, so it wouldn't seem like "therapy" to your ds?
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I admire your courage in writing this post.

Have you approached or spoken to your son about what you've been noticing?

If not, he may feel disrespected or slighted that you've been talking to others about him - while not speaking directly to him.
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We've both spoken to him a bit, but he sort of clams up when it gets too personal. He will talk to my dh about things going on in Yeshiva and enjoys fun or philosophical conversations with either of us, but once it touches on his personal issues, he shrinks away. I'm also very afraid of saying anything that can be taken as criticism, because we're trying to convey the message that we love him and accept him as he is. (Although we do sometimes comment on the state of his clothing.)

He is so lucky to have parents who love and accept him for who he is. Coming from a place of love and respect is so important...and I am sure he feels that, especially if you state it to him.

I wonder what would happen if you said something like: (and this would come after some sort of expression in your own way of how you feel about him, etc....) "We're noticing this - (describe the behavior in a non-judgmental and caring way) , and we are wondering what support you require..."

He may not want to speak with you...he may not be aware of what makes him feel or react the way that he does. Leaving it open by asking him what support he requires (not necessarily from you) may give him the opening to tell you that he would like some help - and for you to help him find that for him.

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job of not letting him feel judged, which is so important.

But let him know that you notice, that you care - that you are there to support him in any way that he needs...that he doesn't have to talk to you about it if he doesn't want to- and that there are people - good people - out there that you can help him find that can help him.

As a tip: Asking open-ended (what, how, etc.) questions (not why questions) in a matter of fact non-judgmental way helps with getting someone to open up to you. Why questions tend to make people defensive.

Also, you mentioned that you can identify with your son....what kind of support do you wish you had from your own parents at that time in your life?

Looking back on your own life - with your fresh and current perspective, what would have (or did) help(ed) you the most back then?

Posted: Mon, Apr 27 2009, 9:32 pm Post subject:

I think it's a crying shame that people feel a boy shouldn't cry ... it stifles their emotions - they are human too ...

sometimes - for whatever reason - a teenager is more open to someone other than their parents ... even loving ones ...

get him therapy - a big brother - both ... tell him these are things you wished your parents got you ... that 14 is a pretty hard age for everyone and you are hoping it will help him with working out inner feelings and that you are always there for him too ... make it a general idea ...
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Posted: Mon, Apr 27 2009, 9:47 pm Post subject:

is there a rebbe in yeshiva he feels close with? if so, good.

therapy sounds like a good idea. I don't know your son, so I don't know if this advice fits.

"son, I know you don't like to talk about personal things, so I'm not asking you to talk. I'm going to ask you to listen to everything I have to say right now. we love you dearly. as your parents, we want you to be happy. we've noticed lately that you seem down on yourself. I want you to know that I was very much like you at your age. and I would have been a lot happier a lot quicker if I had had some help with certain aspects of life. so I would like you to have some help. I think therapy would be a good idea. "

the above paragraph is very blunt. pad it with details, motherly phrases, stories of yourself as a teen. I would make sure to put in the part about him not having to take part in this particular conversation. after you finish your monologue, tell him he doesn't have to answer right now, but you want him to think about it for the next few days. also, I don't think you have to omit the fact that his rebbes have mentioned something to you. they obviously care and are concerned about his well-being, and he should know that.

one thing you have to understand. your son obviously does have a problem, and I'm sure he's aware of it. if you try to downplay the problem while mentioning therapy you will confuse him. he needs to be told that he has a problem but he can take care of it. it's just a question of how he chooses to deal with it. he can go to therapy (which is never guaranteed to work, btw), he can choose to wait it out and hope for the best (also not guaranteed), he can speak to a rebbe (not guaranteed but worth it if he is comfortable with it) or he can evaluate the problem on his own and take steps to deal with it. you need to let him know that you are there for him but that this is his choice. also, make sure to emphasize that having a problem does not make one tainted for life, nor does visiting a therapist mean one is insane.

he sounds like an intelligent teenager. please speak to him like an adult. this is his decision. even if you could force him into therapy it wouldn't do anything for him until he was good and ready for some help.