Very challenging child - send him away??

Our 13 year old son is extremely difficult to live with. Well, about half the time. Half the time he is sweet and wonderful and lovable and helpful. But half the time he is angry and explosive and just all-out nerve-wracking for everyone to be around. His outbursts destroy the shalom bayis in our home. Right now he is homeschooled because of a lack of an appropriate school nearby, but for high school we are thinking of having him go somewhere to board.

I am so torn about this. In so many ways he is so child-like. He really is trying to control his anger, etc., and we are just starting to get outside help for him with this. He wants to be a mensch but the reality is, almost every day is a battle, at least a few incidents a day. I don't want him to feel we are rejecting him, especially because he is trying so hard and he really regrets when he loses it. But I also want a peaceful home and even if we relocate to a place where there is a good school for him, something we are considering, I don't know if that would be better than sending him away.

Anyone have experience with sending a difficult child away to school? Did it help or hurt your relationship? the child's emotional development? Anything to share with a mother who honestly does not know what to do???

Posted: Sun, Feb 08 2009, 3:35 am Post subject:

Having his problems diagnosed (neuro vs chemical vs allergen, etc) should be your first priority before you try to toss him into a system that may simply chew him up and spit him out.

And getting the diagnosis is not going to be finished in a week, and once you get answers the cure won't magically appear.

You son is suffering from SOMETHING and sending him away is not the answer IMO.
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You're right, Yesha. The truth is that he meets every diagnostic criteria for ODD. I'm reluctant to have him officially labeled, however, because I don't care for someone to start pressuring us to medicate, etc. I am interested in the particular behaviors and how to teach him to overcome them. I don't need a label to be able to address that, and we are beginning that process. (The process may lead to a diagnosis, but that is not our primary goal.)

I've often wondered about food allergies, and hope to investigate that direction as well.

School has been mixed for him in the past. He's smart but a total underachiever, at least for the past few years. He gets in trouble in school because he tends to be a bit of a smart-aleck, but he does not have anger issues at school. In fact, at school he is generally well-behaved and quiet, except for a tendency to try to be funny when a teacher is talking... so he tends to get sent to the office... which has tended to turn him off school and learning... and so here we are.

If we did send him away somewhere, it would have to be to a carefully selected place that knows how to handle kids who aren't always angels and aren't living up to their potential, in a caring way that does not chew them up & spit them out...

When he is anywhere but at home, everyone always comments on how sweet and helpful he is. And he is... but at home he also has another side.

So I do wonder, would it possibly be very good for him to be somewhere where he just really *can't* keep losing his temper all day long? Would that also break some of the pattern we are in, where he's home and he has his habits and we all have to deal with them, and consequences/fallout from that? A new place, new people to expect good behavior from him, friends he would hopefully like and respect and want to impress?

I am thinking out loud...

Back to what you said, yes, you are absolutely right that we do need to know what problems we are dealing with and go from there.

Posted: Sun, Feb 08 2009, 4:02 am Post subject:

It's possible that he may need to be medicated in the short term to make him receptive to alternative methods of keeping his behavior under control.

Look, it's easy for me to dispense advice and opinions, but at the end of the day, I'm not the one living/dealing with your son Smile

I think getting him diagnosed should be the first thing before you consider sending him to a boarding school, even one that's equipped to handle difficult children, because you don't know WHY he's difficult.

Does he see a therapist at all?

He's about to start therapy.

He is actually pretty receptive to all kinds of strategies for getting control of his anger. He takes it all quite seriously and has had some success over time. It's heartbreaking because he seems so angry with himself when he sees that he's lost it again... and he apologizes... but you know, he has little siblings and I am just worn out from running interference all the time. He's not physically bullying them or anything, but there is a constant stream of mild-to-nasty insults even while he is otherwise playing nicely with them. So part of me is motivated by the effect his presence is having on them, emotionally. In a selfish, but also protective way (protective of my other children), I feel like we would all be happier with a breather from living with him 24/7, while he does some of his growing up under someone else's professional guidance... anyway, that's the way I talk to myself sometimes...

Other times, I'm Wonderful Mommy Who Loves Her Son and will Singlehandedly Love Him into Being Not Angry Anymore.

There, I made myself cry!

Posted: Sun, Feb 08 2009, 4:16 am Post subject:

You know what though... the fact that he IS receptive to getting help is a HUGE step in the right direction and will help in the long run.

And you're entitled to your cry. As parents we need to be strong but we're still fragile humans and seeing our children, who we would DIE for suffer tears our kishkas out...

Thanks for being there and responding tonight. (It's night for me.) I am going to bed and just want to say you've helped me a lot.

Platinum Member Joined: Aug 12 2007 Posts: 20504

I am sorry you are going through this. Your son is lucky to have a loving family; his disrupting the harmony doesn't mean he doesn't love it back, but there are probably things in his behavior that are beyond his control.
I wonder why it's taken this long for you to be pro-active: has he been managable up until now? Has something changed in the family dynamics?
My opinion, based on some experience, is that sending a child out is not always the best. If you can afford a 1:1 ratio kind of place (they do exist, for a price), then perhaps it can be a good thing. But to send him "to a place" with "other children like himself" may be detrimental. I don't think anyone will love him the way you do. I doubt any place will accept him without him being medicated, if that's what the MD orders. A dorm situation is not home, no matter what.
I really think that if you can get him medicated (and I am TOTALLY not pro) and a bit under control, while keeping him home and getting the therapy he needs, life will be better for all of you. You won't have guilt feelings, and he won't feel abandonded.
I wish you much luck. IY"H he will outgrow whatever it is that is bothering him.

I'm trying to understand, if he's being homeschooled, how is he good in school? Confused

anyway, just thinking, 13 year olds need a social life, does he have interaction with friends?

I'm just wondering whether being at home the whole time is what's causing some, maybe much of, or most of this friction. I can't imagine having my own thirteen yr. old boy home most of the day. ( I have boys, so I'm speaking from my own experience.) These kids need more than the home environment. They need chevra. and Rebbeim, role models. Challenging, interesting classes and lessons, a variety of learning. I have an 11 yr old, a very sweet, calm boy for the most part, Boruch Hashem, but boy can he be a nudge when he's bored. Since he doesn't have younger siblings, I don't know how it would affect those, but he has a sister fairly close in age, and they don't always "play nicely together". At any rate, at a certain age, maybe homeschooling isn't the answer anymore.

and if there is no Yeshiva in the area, it could mean either moving so there could be one nearby, or sending him out of town to one. That doesn't mean you are sending him to take him off your hands chas v'shalom. Of course you love him. But his behavior could be his way of letting you know that he needs more going on in his life. Boys this age, imo NEED to be in Yeshiva.
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Platinum Member Joined: Jan 23 2008 Posts: 9074

Have you asked him what he wants? Without making him feel like he is being sent away as a punishment? Maybe he welcomes the idea. Maybe he'll do better at home.

I'm a big fan of behavioral therapy v medication. I tried both & there's no question behavioral mod was the answer to my prayers. It sounds like your son is very receptive & sensitive. Ask your pediatrician for a referral to a neuropsychologist. And to weigh in...NEVER send a troubled kid away. You'll lose him.

I have a nephew (12) who has a lot of problems. I don't know exactly what he's been diagnosed with having. I think my brother and sil are sending him to someplace in Florida who's supposed to help him. They know that he'll never be "normal", but hopefully he'll get a little better. I don't know where you live, but if you're interested and want to know more about the place, I can find out.

Gold Member Joined: Jul 11 2008 Posts: 1897

Gold Member Joined: Jul 11 2008 Posts: 1897

I just want to add that what you are writing OP, could be written about a certain one of my children. Sweet, using self control in the classroom, having outbursts at home. Teens are smart enough to have learned where it doesn't pay to act up. I admit to getting less cooperation from my adolescent dd than her teachers do. This can just be "normal" teenage atitude Rolling Eyes

Of course there are the children who are more calm, but this still does not make your child exceptionally difficult, as difficult as it is for you (or me) to handle.

Platinum Member Joined: Sep 11 2004 Posts: 19241

I would never send away a troubled teen.
But I think he should have the choice, he's 13 and can make the choice by himself.
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Posted: Sun, Feb 08 2009, 11:31 am Post subject:

this is quite a delicate age and if you push him away without proper care he can break ... he needs to know you back him up and love him enough to get help ... no matter how difficult he is ...
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