Do you putch (hit) your kids?

Posted: Sun, Feb 01 2009, 8:24 pm Post subject: Do you putch (hit) your kids?

Do you think that hitting a kid on the bottom for discipline reasons is considered abuse?
Do you hit your kids gently on the hand if they misbehave?

What ages would you start patching? What age kids would you not putch?

I went to someones house and she kept threatening to putch her 3 year old.
I wondering if she really follows through or just threatens to do it.

Are there disagreements between husbands and wives about whether or not children should get a putch?

I sometimes give a potch for my kids on the hand (ages 4-5) when nothing else seems to be working, not intending to hurt them. they are more upset if I don't give them a kiss than about the potch

Violence breeds violence. What are you teaching your child by using force and pain to get them to listen? (even a small slap is humiliating!)

I was hit a lot as a kid and I remember the rage and helplessness it brings. I could not do it to my children...Not that I don't sometimes feel like throttling them, because there are some tough times in parenting. But hitting is out of the question.

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 07 2006 Posts: 2556

Absolutely not. Never.

Whether or not disciplinary spanking is abusive depends on the situation, so I won't answer your first question, but certainly there are far better ways to discipline children.

What does a swat on the hand or the bottom teach a child? To fear one's parents, to hide mistakes and misbehavior, and to hit other people - even people younger, smaller, and weaker than oneself - when they don't do what one wants.

Verbally threatening a young child with violence demonstrates serious parenting problems, and may be emotionally abusive (once again, depending on the situation).

Those who utilize disciplinary spanking often say that they never hit out of anger, but is that true? Is it ok to hit out of frustration? Why do some parents expect better behavior from our three-year-olds than from ourselves?

My husband and I are in total agreement.

Posted: Sun, Feb 01 2009, 11:09 pm Post subject:

I do once in a while but we should not!!! do we want our kids to hit? then how can we? and when we do its cuz we're angry! it doesnt make them feel better just us...how wrong! I wish I was always able to control myself and use another method like putting him in his bed for a bit!
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"Think Good It'll Be Good"

I do. I shouldn't.

Amother above, if you want to stop (because you know you should), you have to be ready with alternative methods of discipline or stress relief when you feel like hitting. Mentally formulate (or write it, even) what you want your relationship with your child/ren to be, and come up with some workable solutions for yourself to be the kind of parent you really want to be. Then hold yourself to it- it's discipling YOURSELF that's the issue here, I think. I apologize if I'm out of bounds but what I read from your anonymous 4-word post was: excessive. If you (or anyone here) are abusive, admit it and get help NOW. Our kids have only one childhood.

I am not familiar with putch/potch/patch so I can't answer, but no we don't hit, and unfortunately when I see the number of frum yidden who do, I wonder how much time we will go without needing it or if it's a culture/personality thing.
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Last edited by Seraph on Mon, Feb 02 2009, 9:28 am; edited 1 time in total

That being said...
I've given my son a patch once. It was on his hand, premeditated, I told him beforehand what I was doing and why, and haven't since.
I'm more inclined to give a patch if its something dangerous, because other more gentle disciplinary methods take more time to work and with things that are dangerous, the lesson must be learned immediately because there arent second chances.

However, I would never ever patch a kid for patching someone else- that is silly- telling them "don't patch" by patching. If my son was hurting another kid, I'd hold his hand firmly and not let him continue patching, and when he gets upset at the restraining, I tell him "We DON'T hurt other people." It works, because he realizes mommy is upset.
I use time outs the rest of the time with him.

My rules about patching:
Never in anger.
Never on the face.
Always with an explanation first.
Always with love.
Rarely once the kid is old enough to understand other consequences.
Absolutely never past the age of 8 (thats the rule written in the aforementioned book).

My dxh used to beat the kids when they didn't behave themselves. He once beat my ds with a coat hanger when he didn't tidy his room. Another time, he thrashed the three oldest black and blue for being rude to a babysitter. For this reason, my oldest ds (12) is still working on violence issues, although he is gradually doing better. And I have noticed with all my kids, they believe that hitting is chinuch. I do not hit my children on principle, but it is hard going having to change this policy. Whenever one child hurts another, for example, the victim always screams at me, "Hurt him! Hurt him! You're not handling him properly!" Which frustrates me no end when I am trying to reason with the one who did the hitting. And when I explain that it doesn't help and that it's wrong to hurt others, they tell me, "But that's chinuch! We have to hit bc it's chinuch!" It's a terrible legacy that I am still trying to overcome.

As my mother always told me, "You beat the devils in," and it's really so true ....

Wow, Shosh, tough story. Hang in there. Your message is important and hopefully your kids will eventually un-learn their negative training and be receptive and agreeable to yours. May you be blessed with continued strength.

I never hit my kids when I'm angry, if I even feel a drop of anger I'll choose not to patch and give another consequence. My kids only get a patch for doing something very dangerous or hurting one another badly. Chutzpa might elicite a patch in the right context. The kids always know why they are being patched and that Mommy/Tatty would rather not have to patch them . Patches only land on the Tush over their clothes. I was patched as a kid in this way and only when I deserved to get a patch (except in one circumstance, which was very upsetting) I think it was an effective disaplinary tool so I use it with my kids. My kids are not violent nor unhappy.

tell me if I am wrong (or if you just disagree) but I think there is a big difference between "patching" a 2 yr old and patching an 8 year old. I cant imagine patching an 8 yr old (then again I dont have one yet). My 3 yo I rarely patch, but when he was a bit younger (terrible 2s), I would "patch" him (tush or hand) if he --- touched the stove, or did anything else that was unsafe (put a cracker into the babys mouth after I told him 3x not to). Maybe its bad that I did that? I dont think I scar my kids for life by doing that, and like I said, at 3 yrs old I rarely do it anymore. Hope its ok with toddlers like I am doing....

Btw, when I said no later than age 8, it means that as the child gets older and older there should be fewer and fewer excuses to ever hit a child, but absolutely no matter what to never hit a kid past aged 8. The author explains why in his book that age in particular.

Oh, I wanted to say, in case anyone thinks I'm pro spanking-
I was absolutely horrified when I was on the bus once late at night, and there was a frum lady on it with an overtired little girl, and she was crying because she was tired, and the mother patched her again and again and again and each time she patched her she cried, and each time she cried she got another patch, and it was never ending and I felt sooooooooo bad for the little girl. I had half a mind to report the mother. If thats what she does in public, I can just imagine what she does in private...

Silver Member Joined: Feb 11 2008 Posts: 981

I really try not to potch my children, (it usually doesn't work... as a discipline method anyway) but occasionally I will, like when my 3 yr. old ran into a busy street. (afterwards he was so shocked, he was quiet for a few minutes and then in a timid voice said,"mommy give me a kiss!"
My mother had this wooden stick with a hole to hang on a door, there was a picture on it of a little boy leaning over a gate with his pants pulled down and it said " never spank a child in the face, nature provides a better place"
when my sister and I would fight like animals, she would hang it on our door and threaten us with it!! I do remember my mother potching me once as a kid, I don't even remember what I did but afterwards, she cried that her hand hurt!!! I really, really felt bad!!!