DS has violent thoughts and actions

My son loves war. He has aced his jewish history and world history classes (100%). He plays this war game with his 8 yr old brother that seems innocuos to an outsider. When he gets mad at a sibling he will physically hurt them, and has thoght thro plans how to eliminate the kids that bug him at school. (he has a new bully since the last bully has been banned from all jewish schools). He is bright but can be annoying. I want the violent words and actions to stop, plus other behaviors. DUNNO how or what route to take. DH does not think his son needs counsolling. Dh is another story.
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Posted: Sat, Jan 31 2009, 11:02 pm Post subject:

get him therapy before he gets out of control ...
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there are too many red flags. I agree with greenfire, your son needs counseling.

first get rid of the violent games,u let him have.
if he plays differently w/his siblings after the game,u would think automatically that he can't play w/it Confused

It's great he receives good grades,but it doesn't negate the violence he displays w/his siblings.
find something else for him to do,AND GET RID OF THOSE GAMES

"dh is another story"..I dont know what this means,but if your dh,has similar behaviour in speech or action then u have an uphill battle.children learn how to behave by what goes on in the home.

hatzlacha to u and your family.

Silver Member Joined: Sep 11 2008 Posts: 848

is he watching tv shows? bec. I know it can come from that.

you also need to be in touch with the teachers and principal if there is a bullying situation going on.

Platinum Member Joined: Dec 27 2007 Posts: 7370

All wise and well intended. There are NO violent games, they are in his head!!!!!! DH thinks he can handle it. Does not want to spend $$$ on counselling. Yes he is bullied at school. HS is different. They do not care like they did in grade school. (hence original bully gone). At school and friends he is a model child poilet etc. At home well...

I don't know what is happening at home, but if there are problems he could be acting like that to either get attention or to let out the stress. It definitly sounds like something is really bothering him. He should go for counselling.

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 23 2008 Posts: 9074

DH needs to be sat down & have it explained to him in words of one syllable exactly what the issues are here. But if he won't "agree" to counseling, YOU take DS! If you have health insurance ask your GP for a referral. Better this is taken care of properly now before your DS becomes a statistic & is expelled from school, starts exhibiting pathological behaviors, & goes totally out of control.

How old is he? Who are his friends? Does he have friends? Is he drinking or smoking anything (weed, nicotine)? Are these violent behaviors recent or have they been developing over time? You don't need to answer, but these are things that you need to ask yourself. Please...get him help. This could destroy your family. And please, tell DH to wake up & smell the coffee. Ignoring this & having the "boys will be boys" attitude isn't going to get anywhere & will maybe have terrible consequences.

Good luck!! Hug

Posted: Thu, Feb 05 2009, 5:06 pm Post subject:

He is NOT smoking, or doing drugs. He is "GEEK", and yes I know his friends...all geeks...all respectful...I will bring it up tonite. We spoke a little today about it..but still feels it is not an issue

I'd really like to hear about what all you amothers think about video games? what effects have you noticed on your sons? it's been suggested to me that I be more open-minded about this issue. well I will open my mind readily if it's to amothers on this site but I'm not opening my mind to anyone else's opinion for the present time. that's why I only want to ask you all and listen to your views on this subject. for now, I am convinced that these games have only deleterious effects and I see nothing positive. what are your views? please please share. thanks

Diamond Member Joined: Oct 25 2007 Posts: 4915

Oh, boy! Don't get me started.

One of my biggest pet peeves is hearing people tsk-tsk about the Internet while their kids are immersed in video and computer games. The "computer class" at my DDs' elementary school was basically a couple of hours of playing games each week. They were barely even disguised as educational! Yet mention the Internet, and everyone goes nuts!

Well, video/computer games are the marijuana of computer abuse, the gateway drug. If computers are used as entertainment devices in your household instead of tools, you've have lost the battle with the Internet. I don't care if you don't even have a modem or high-speed hookup in your home. You have lost and the Internet has won. It will be only a matter of time until your child does have Internet access, and if you've reared him/her to think of computers as entertainment, well, you've made your decision. And if your child has a video game device or plays games on the computer, you do have TV in your home.

If you feel your child would benefit from such games for whatever reason, that's fine. Just don't delude yourself that you are a TV-free, Internet-free home!

Fox, I agree with you on many levels and for a long time I kept my kids off the computer. However, I soon discovered the following:

a. They were going to other pple's houses (frum at that!) and seeing and playing all sorts of rubbish that I couldn't control.
b. I found that when it comes to certain things, I can bribe them with the computer.
c. When my oldest ds in particular is playing on the computer, at least I know where he is, who he's with, and what he's doing. (My computer is in a really open place, right next to the kitchen and living room, so I can always seeing what's going on.) In this day and age, with teenagers, that's really important.

Therefore, I allow my kids to use the computer, but in a very controlled fashion:
a. The only movies and clips are Jewish and either from the cool clips section here, with me sitting with the kids and actively choosing and monitoring what we all watch, from CDs, or from the sites Portal Yahadut and Apple 770, which are both frum sites. My kids also watch videos on COL, Chabad info and Chabad org, which are all totally harmless.
b. I determine when the computer is used and for how long. As I have a password, the kids can't just switch on whenever they want, and I am very strict with time.
c. Computer usage has actually got one of my kids to go to school every day and even get there earlier. If he truants, he can't use it at all. If he gets there late, he gets half an hour, and if he gets there on time and I get a note saying he behaved well, he gets an hour. His rebbe cooperates with me and sends me a note every day. And it has worked wonders with him! I therefore use it as a reward. My other ds, for example, made supper tonight so I could carry on Pesach cleaning for a while in exchange for some time on the computer afterwards.
d. The only games that I allow are either from the sites above, a zoo game where you build your own safari park, and a soccer simulation game that my ds really loves. He's into soccer anyway, as are most of his class at Talmud Torah, so again, I'd rather he'd play it that way, under my watchful eye, than if he sneaks off to the secular neighbours to watch it on TV (as has happened in the past). Occasionally, they do play the Italian Job, which is essentially car chases and apart from the fake London accents and annoying music that they switch off barely resembles the film, which they aren't familiar with anyway. Violent games, untznius games, or games with loud horrible music are banned.

In this case, I feel the use of computer games is very positive. The key here is control, and if you are able to exert this control and supervision, the computer can be a positive tool as seen above.

thanks shosh. I always get so much out of all your posts. you are very very wise. I understand that it's a useful bribery device for you. hey--I don't judge anyone who uses bribes to get kids to do things for their own good. and I also understand about the great chabad sites. my question had more to do with video games played on psps and gameboy devices and such. my opinion, as stated before, is that they have only negative effects and no positive effects. how do you all feel about this? anyone dealing with 'addictive' issues here?

Diamond Member Joined: Sep 16 2007 Posts: 4185

I agree whole-heartedly with shosh - if there are computers by many of their friends, you're definitely better off allowing them to play games that you've censored than not. I also limit the computer time - although I get tons of complaints how "everyone else gets unlimited time" from them (& this is one time that I'm pretty sure that it's true)- on occasion I do remind them how noneducational computers are and how they turn your brain to jello.
(Of course, their response is how come I'm so much on this site? Confused

so I also allow FB for the teens for that reason.)
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