What behavior is normal for a 5.y.o.?

Kindergarten girl-- I don't know if I am too harsh with her or not strict enough. She doesn't listen and is very disrespectful at home -- but well behaved at school according to the morot.
Not a learning issue -- she actually has tested to be highly gifted. Are my expectations too high, or is her behavior actually unacceptable (as it seems to us to be.)? (For example, not doing what she is told at bedtime, morning, coming home from school-- and the younger children don't get attention b/c I'm dealing with her)What do I do? We got the book "setting limits with your strong-willed child", but it is very difficult to follow, b/c it has been impossible to make every punishment a "natural consequence" of the bad behavior.

I was having this issue for a while....
Try positive reinforcement for behaviors that are problematic like not getting ready for bed or for getting up. I tell my son if he gets dressed all by himself, he can take a couple cookies on the bus after breakfast. If I have to help him, he doesn't get the cookies (help him as in get him dressed, not assist him)...

Keep a chart of all the days he gets dressed by himself etc..(oh! sorry herself...you have a girl)

I find that when I find fault alot with my son, he responds by not obeying and being chutzpadiche. I'm not saying this is what you are doing, but try letting more things go and complimenting often. When I get back I the habit of doing this, his negative behaviors often decrease.

Do something small to make your dd feel special...like a favorite sandwich...just some ideas...these little things do add up...I know they sound like "band-aids" but they do help, at least with my ds.
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Platinum Member Joined: Jan 23 2008 Posts: 9074

If she's an angel in school she has to let off steam somewhere, & not that it helps, but you're it. Rolling Eyes

The good news is that if there was something really wrong, she'd be impossible in school too. It could be she's jealous of the attention you naturally have to give to the other kids (even though you say you don't, she knows they're "there.")

When she comes home can you give her 20 mins undivided attention? Try telling the others, "Not now sweetie, I'm talking to Miriam". It worked for me. My kids knew everyone got a turn & they couldn't interrupt or THEIR time would be interrupted.

Positive reinforcement works. Potching/strong discipline doesn't. Taking her to the store for a tomato is one way of gving her time. It really sounds like she just wants your attention & let's face it, any attention, even negative, is better than none at all!

Don't worry, she's 5!! Perfectly normal! Just enjoy her & keep telling her you love her! Good luck!

Be firm and consistent. You don't HAVE to do the natural consequences thing. BUT, try not to give too many commands. When you do give a command you MUST make sure she listens. If she doesn't - punish by revoking a privilege.

Also, make sure you are spending 10 minutes of quality time with her every day.
Make sure you are touching her enough (not necessarily kisses and hugs).
Make sure your ratio of "nice" comments vs. "tough" comments (like "clean your room" or "your hair is messy") is 4 to 1. That's 4 nice comments to 1 not nice comment. If you find yourself with a different ratio, either up your nice comments or make less negative ones.
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Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Kotzk

Platinum Member Joined: Sep 11 2004 Posts: 19241

My 5 yr old has become a little chutzpanyak also. Most of the time I have to stop myself from bursting into laughter when he makes up a new line. Sometimes I'll ignore it and sometimes I tell him he's gone overboard.
He also demands most of the attention around here and gets it.
My 5 yr old still wants to be babied. And I don't mind to a certain point. He does get himself dressed and even takes out his own clothing each morning, uses the bathroom completely by himself, washes his hands in the morning alone and says the brachos he is supposed to, can wash his younger brother also, washes himself for hamotzi, davens beautifully, cleans up nicely, gets negel vaaser and empties it without being told, etc. I can drop him off in the front of school and he can go up to his classroom by himself, etc. He does all the big boy things. But sometimes he likes to be babied, and not surprisingly since there are a lot of babies around here and he's always had to be the big boy. So I don't tell him to grow up when he acts like a baby because he's already grown up so much in such a short time.

Platinum Member Joined: Jan 23 2008 Posts: 9074

[color=cyan][size=18]Bubby, I don 't agree with you about the part that it is because of the mother/parenting skills that she only behaves poorly at home.[/size][/color]

Excuse me...where did I say that??? Did I say it's bad parenting skills to look after ALL our children??? Of course not!! Shocked

I made some suggestions that worked for me & tried to give some rationalization to OP so she DOESN'T feel guilty or worried!!

Hey, waddo I know? I only raised 6 frum, healthy, reponsible kids, each of whom had his/her own issues (they nearly drove me to drink Drunken Smile

) & I had to figure it out & DH was working overseas for almost a year!!! Maybe I'm too out of touch What

Platinum Member Joined: Sep 11 2004 Posts: 19241

Bubby, I think your "it's you" line was misunderstood.
I think. I didn't take it that way, if I know what you meant.

OP here--
Everyone has some good advice -- I will try some of those tips.
Bubby -- I understood what you meant-- it is very helpful!
I think my DD does sound a bit worse-behaved than waht some of you described. Also, she wasn't any better as the only child-- thats why DS is 3 yrs younger! Still, the idea of giving more positive attention makes sense, since she is extremely sensitive. I am worried though b/c sometimes I try that and it backfires, but I havn't tried it consistenly for a long time.

Amother, I neglected to mention that I have one like that. Much older than 5 but it's been a struggle since day 1. I just keep working at it and trying to give alot of positive feedback. Sometimes it's hard to be loving with the child who is the most obnoxious... It's a real avodah. But limits and boundaries are THE most important thing, I think. A child must know what behavior (and talk) is simply NOT acceptable.