DD is losing her mind from jealousy. need urgent help.

This is our worst case we have seen ever, more than we imagined. We pictured her to be jealous of the new baby but not that she would be this awful. It’s coming to a point where she is living from punishment to punishment, she is going from timeout to timeout, her eyes are always welled up with tears from being disciplined, I can’t take it anymore. She smashes the baby to bits, and yesterday, through down a pot when I was burping the baby.

Yes, we’re giving her all the quality time, alone time, you can imagine. She’s getting new toys and crayons and exclusive snacks and stuff and what not. Everything is so good for her right now, except there’s a baby in her way.

Help.

For now, we chose to stop disciplining completely, no yelling, no punishing, just ignoring her actions UNTIL we learn how to handle it. We are at a loss.
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Platinum Member Joined: Dec 27 2007 Posts: 7230

how old is she?

Posted: Mon, Dec 15 2008, 3:54 pm Post subject:

4 years

Platinum Member Joined: Dec 27 2007 Posts: 7230

maybe you are already doing this, but if not:

1.) I would choose what to punish for right now and only punish for situations where she actually hurts the baby. And for obvious reasons, I would keep the opprortunities for that down to a minimum. So try to make sure the baby is never in the same room with her as much as possible, etc. Does she go to preschool? If she just wakes up the baby or yells about the baby or throws things in the same room as the baby, I would not punish for that, just ignore it.

2.) I would reward exclusively only for anything nice related to the baby. I would even go the extreme of getting a special toy/book/game that she can play with for 5 minutes after she says something nice about the baby or does something nice for the baby and then the toy is put away until the next time. If this is not an option, I would limit the special snacks/new toys etc to only be a reward when she is kind about/to the baby.

Posted: Mon, Dec 15 2008, 4:09 pm Post subject:

I don’t want her near the baby at all. I can’t see myself rewarding her for patting the baby on the cheek, just as she fell asleep for the umpteenth time. arggggggggggg

Diamond Member Joined: Aug 26 2007 Posts: 4037

I know all about this. I have nothing to say except something someone once shared with me, that when a mommy brings a new baby into the house it's like a husband bringing home a second wife. the first wife has to tolerate the second one. get it? Laughing

good luck!

Platinum Member Joined: May 16 2005 Posts: 6262

punsihing her will only make her feel more angry and more upset.

the best way to help with jealopusy is to be extra loving, make quality one on one time with the older child, SHOW the o,lder onw that they also matter. I used to say out loud to my baby, "I am putting you down because I need to be with her now, I have two kids and I love BOHT of you..." I would also include my older daughter in the things I did. I had a special nursing box and would put something special in for my older one when I saw she needed it. it was a story, snack, stickers and paper... whatever it was.

she prob needs more love and mor attention NOT punsihements and stirctness.....

yes there are ways to teach how to deal with baby by saying what we SHOULD do instead of what we should not.

you can also help the older one learn to commuicate throguh words instead of acting out by saying things like mommy I want to spend time with you instead of hitting baby to let you know for example.....

I worked very very hard and patiently with my daughter for a few months and they now bh LOVE each other!! its so nice for me to see the results....

you can also buy your oldre one a doll that has everything real baby has to make her feel big and involved... goodluck...

make sure to give your oldre one lots of hugs and kisses and special older time and im sure she wiull sloly start to feel happier and her behavior will get better...

if you keep punishing she will get more and more angry and defiant and it can cause problems later and in school as well as with you and other sibs.

Platinum Member Joined: May 16 2005 Posts: 6262

1.) I would choose what to punish for right now and only punish for situations where she actually hurts the baby.

I think its way better to stop it before it happens by keeping baby away and always watching. if its about to happen you can take her hand and say "we are gentle to babies" and then distract her with something else.

this really works.

they are little. they dont know how to deal with all their hard feelings. its hard enough they cant fully express them! yes we can gently and lovingly teach and guide, but to punish just isnt what works!

Gold Member Joined: Mar 26 2006 Posts: 1626

Poor littel girl. She is just as upset as you would be (as someone pointed out) if your husband brought home another woman and forced you to give up your place to her, relegating you to second place.
I wouldn't punish her at all. Just make sure she is never given a chance to hurt the baby.
I really feel bad for her!
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Boy aged 8, Girl aged 6, Girl aged 4, Girl aged 2, Girl aged 4 days ka"h

Posted: Mon, Dec 15 2008, 9:30 pm Post subject:

So today was a flop. I parked the baby by a neighbor and went to pick up a classmate of hers and brought her to my house to play. I figured, let’s try it. she usually pays so nicely with kids her age, I don’t hear a peep from them. This time, that poor little girl loved my toys while my DD spun out of control more and more. She kept skipping into the baby’s room to check if she’s alive and squeeze her, etc. (I should’ve locked her into a room, I realize now). Finally after close to 2 hours, I walked that little girl home. So it didn’t work. I am not giving up, there’s got to be a better way.

Yesterday my baby slept miraculously for 4 hours, so I spent that time making peanut chews with DD. She was thrilled and did an amazing job. not always is the baby sleeping for a long uninterrupted time!

Platinum Member Joined: Aug 01 2005 Posts: 16879

My 3 year old Shimie was that way. He was an only, cherished, long awaited child, and when Mendy was born he totally went haywire. Add to that the fact that I was in the hospital for a week just 3 days after he had come home from 2 weeks at a babysitter he didnt know (no one from my family wanted him because he is so difficult), and I cannot tell you what heck I went through the first few months. He had no compunctions about hurting the baby anytime, all the time, acting out, etc. It was absolute murder. I was always yelling, hitting, punishing, calming the baby, separating the 2, and - crying.

Well fast forward, Mendy is 5 months old, and while Shimie has not morphed into an angel yet, and still bothers the baby plenty, he has come around to the fact that BE"H his brother is here to stay. He loves him now. he is upset when he comes home from cheder and Mendy is asleep. he keeps asking me if the baby is awake yet, and runs into his room with a big GIT MORGEn! as soon as he thinks he has woken up. He begs me to sit up mendy near him so they can play together.

I dont even know what worked for us. I think it was just being very firm, very consistent, endless explanations, making him make 'nice' to the baby, and praising him every time he did not bother the baby. Pick ONE consequenc e- such as, she'll have to go to her room or her crib or wahtever every time she hurts the baby - and do it OVER AND OVER again until she gets the hint. Shimie hates being locked up in his crib so he learned the lesson pretty fast.

I also kept telling him, "The baby is not a dolly, it's a person." and singing the "tzaar baalei chayim song" - substituting 'baby' for 'chaya'. (M'tur nisht machen a booboo far a baby). I also included him in every single ting I did for the baby or found an equivalent. I made a point almost every day of putting them on my lap, one child on each shoulder, and singing the following song:

The heiliger bashefer has benched me with two delicious yingelech.

One has payos, one has hair
One has underpants, one has pampers
One has a kappel, one does not
One has shoes, one does not
One can talk, one cannot
One has teeth, one does not
One can eat, one cannot
one can walk, one cannot
One has tzitzis, one has an undershirt
One has a shirt, one has a stretchie
I love my little yingelech,
I love my Shimie, I love my mendy

he loved it - hearing all the differences between him and the baby.

I kept repeating to him all the big boy things he can do and all the little things the baby cannot do. I kept telling him how big he is and what a great big boy is etc etc.

I let him sit in the swing, the bumbo chair, climb into the crib, taste the baby food, I even offered him a nurse which he of course declined lol.

Everytime the baby smiles at him I point it out to him. I make the two boys give each other hugs, I make him say I love you and kiss him. He has grown to absolutely love the baby, even though he is still very jealous.

He got the message after many long months that this is BE"h a permanent situation and that the baby actually loves him and his parents still love him. it's very very hard. He still hits the baby plenty. He still makes him cry plenty when Mendy has been totally fine and happy, and wham, Mendy is crying. It's not a perfect world and sibling rivalry will always exist. But just know it will get better. When your new baby will become a person, a friend, a playmate to your 4 year old, she won't feel so threatened anymore. Just be firm and consistent. When she hurts the baby, the only discipline is to separate her from the baby. Dont yell, dont hit, this will teach her that she can get your attention by hurting the baby. If she sees constantly that the baby ends up getting the attention instead, she'll learn that this is not the way to get attention.

your baby is still very little and youre very busy with her. BE"h when she'll be about 3-4 months and you can just stick her near you in the bumbo seat or swing or on the floor and carry on playing with her things'll get easier.

Good luck. tIt's a very tough transition.
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Gold Member Joined: Mar 28 2005 Posts: 1067

all the suggestions are good.

take out the old albums and go thru your dd baby pics. show her how when she was little you did this and this for her etc.

Platinum Member Joined: Sep 11 2004 Posts: 19241

Platinum Member Joined: Aug 01 2005 Posts: 16879

Lol thanks Smile

I improvise a lot of songs, there's a lot of singing around here... I think Shimie is inheriting my love of singing - he has an amazing memory for songs KE"H and lyrics.

Thank you, the song idea will work, we’ve been going through all that but just in conversation, I can see a song helping to set it in the brain. I can’t possibly live with this for 5 months, it’s becoming awful. Tomorrow, I will try to do crafts with her, I hope it works out. I feel that all my energy on giving her quality time is wasteful because she keeps bouncing up to run and do something silly, it’s like she’s on a endless quest to destruct. This pattern has to stop and then I can get her attention and play with her. Right now it’s like, a bull in a china shop, they say!

I’m exhausted. Thank you mommies.

Kids need clear guidelines that are consistently enforced, particularly when they are going through a tough time. A new baby is a big adjustment for her, but you have to keep the baby safe, too. I don't advocate punishment as much as keeping a very close eye on her so you can preempt the problems as much as possible. It means staying close by and not waiting for her to hurt the baby or do something she shouldn't before you react.

Preempting her also makes it easier to be positive around her, because she's not getting into so much trouble! Yes, it takes time, but it's better imo to invest the time avoiding the trouble than spending time and energy putting out the fires later on.

Good luck!
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Avivah - grateful mom of ten amazing kids (ages three - nineteen and our gorgeous baby boy with Trisomy 21!)
http://oceansofjoy.wordpress.com

Diamond Member Joined: Jan 19 2005 Posts: 2560

mama bear u bring back memeries .. my little girl was singing that song men tor nist macken a boobo for a chaya.... and she plopped a patch on my little sons head.each time she came to a chaya...

so for a animal you are not allowed to make a bobo but for her brother she was allowed....

we still laugh at that incident...

and my two yr old still loves to touch the baby just as the baby fell asleep. or poke her etc... he get a kick from it.... and then she wakes up and it messes up my whole day.... aahhhh

Gold Member Joined: Nov 07 2005 Posts: 1105

flower essense, Holly (ie Bach flower remedies; Rescue Remedy) is good for jealousy. You can get them in the health food store or online. There is a frum woman in Brooklyn who knows how to diagnosis for this. Ask around for her name, because I don't know it.

I got my DD a doll ! and said look if you feel angry hit this one and not this one ok (DS)... LOL
I know this stinks for you right now but it will get better ok ..... She was then 3 and I was so scared
she might get overly jealous .

*but she never hit the doll .... but she knew that she could and that I understood she was upset and that I respected that.
*people kept telling her she would get a friend and she was disappointed ,he was not fun.
* I told people to call first when visiting and to please be kind give dd attention first ,I even had dollar store emergency gifts for those times people gave ds stuff or she was extra good, I believe this helped a lot .

*Also I acknowledged her by having a good sister chart with a treat of her choice after 7 stars! some of DD's favourites was making rice crispies ,or cookies or pizza ..just for her as babies can't eat ....LOL

*find the good ,as she is testing your love ...once she is sure of it she will stop.

* I made her into my little helper , wipe getter, wash cloth getter, supervised burper and pointed out every time the baby smiled that it was for her or because of her.

Watch out for mommy instinct ,and try not to over react ....she is adjusting and needs your reassurance that your love has NOT changed . when you are super tired this is hard ...I remember ,but it pays off !

All the best and hang in there this too shall pass... Wink