Older child bothering/hurting younger child

how do you deal with your preschooler (mine is just about 4) bothering and hurting your younger child (mine is 18 months) all the time? he is constantly pushing, poking, annoying my younger one. I find myself becoming very impatient and annoyed and therefore usually respond accordingly, which I then regret. I have tried ignoring it but that is easier said than done especially if the younger one is really being hurt. if I am tired and it has been a long day and this has been going on for the entire day, I feel like I am gonna lose it and really yell, which is really not like me. any advice or ideas?

When ever it happens try giving only the younger one attention for a few minutes.

Silver Member Joined: Mar 08 2008 Posts: 514

an excellent book which deals with these types of issues '9which is typical is siblings without rivalry. Hatzlacha Addelle faber and Maizlish

Platinum Member Joined: May 16 2005 Posts: 6262

why do you think the four year old is doing it? is she jealous? she might need extra love and attention. like maybe some private time just with you herself so she can feel special away from her brother.

also, I think its our responsibity as parents to protect babies who cant protect themselves. that means if a parent knows one chold can hurt that younger they should be watched at all times to prevent anyone from getting hurt....

sometimes it still does happen. what I do is TEACH what they SHOULD do instead. so, for example if my 16 month old son is in my daughters way and she pushes him we talk about it and come up with BETTER solutions. this really helps. whenever hse does the right thing (which I taught her since kids arent born knowing and it doesnt come natural...) she is praised right away. its important we cathc them doing the right thing instead of wrong always, because otherwise they will think they have to act up to get attention....

if she is ruff I show her how we are GENTLE to younger kids, and I show her what gentle is. etc...

Diamond Member Joined: Apr 27 2006 Age: 30 Posts: 2535

my 2 are the exact same age...4yr old and 18 month old. my 4 yr old is always bossing the baby and only allowing her to play with certain toys, teasing her and of course hurting her. if its a fight over a toy, I try to work something out like convincing my big DD to share for 5 minutes or give her a diff. toy. or I will try to distract my little one with something else or by reading her a book.

but with hitting/hurting, then my big DD gets a punishment, in the corner, stay in her room for 5 minutes, whatever. I try to get the message across that this wont be tolerated. it still happens, but not constantly

Platinum Member Joined: May 16 2005 Posts: 6262

redirecting is alot better the punishing imo. I like to think how I felt as a child being punished. what lesson does it teach?? that those who are older are mean, stronger and always win? it doesnt teach the lessons we want.

http://www.positiveparenting.com/newsletter/news_june_1996.html

http://www.parentingweb.com/discipline/disp_vs_punish.htm

I have seen from experience how redirecting a chil, thinking about why they are hitting, telling them what they CAN do instead, and taking care of the problem when possible, teaches them life lessons. whereas punishing them makes them feel thye are bad. its not good for self esteem and doesnt teach them what they SHOULD do in the future, only that what they did is bad. (and punishing makes kids feel they are bad...) of course there can be consequesnces just imo not punishments

I redirect my children.. my older son can hurt his brother or fight with his brother at the slightest instance... but I have noticed a pattern... I suggest you try to see if your children have a pattern. Mine do... if my older son is hitting or bothering my baby many times it is because he is tired or needs a snack. Once those needs are met he stops bothering the baby. Another thing I do is take each child a side and give them their own Emma time. If it is a toy that is being fought over I have given my older son tools to deal with conflict resolution. I ask him what else he can do instead of playing with the toy or... I ask him what he can do for his brother to make the situation better. My older son likes being involved with the solution he has even come up with the ten min rule. We set a timer for ten min when it dings the toy goes to the other child because he came up with the rule he follows it. I always involve my older son with the care of the baby so he feals responsable.. He knows that if the baby smells then he is in charge of getting a clean diaper. It isn't only Imma who is responsable for caring for everyone so is everyone else.

Platinum Member Joined: May 16 2005 Posts: 6262

chanagital sounds like we have similare parenting styles Wink