Spinoff cosleeping - no intimacy!

amother

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 9:33 am

amother Mauve wrote:

Maybe time to switch to formula? On a full stomach baby is more likely to sleep soundly.

I don't think he's hungry. As long as I'm in bed near him, he sleeps until 12/1, nurses nicely(sometimes he falls back asleep but I nudge him to have a decent amount once we're up anyway) and then sometimes stops for one more snack in middle before waking up for real around 7.

amother

Bronze

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 9:56 am

Dear OP,

First of all, I get it. I have very difficult babies who just. don't. sleep.

Anyone saying they don't believe it could really be that bad, or anyone who thinks you made up your mind that there's no solution...just never had a baby like that. That's quite clear.

I have also had people not believe me when I described the level of not sleeping with my baby.
You need to realize that you are dealing with a situation that the majority of people can't relate to, and try to talk to the few people who can relate.

Best words of chizzuk are "gam zeh yaavor".

Practically:

Have you tried a baby sleep coach? Not sure how old your baby is, but I have used baby sleep coaches at times, (wasn't nogaya for first few months where literally nothing helped), and although it didn't solve the problem just like that, there were some practical tweaks we were able to do that helped in small bits. Very very worthwhile to try.
Even a small tiny improvement might help your situation enough to make intimacy work.
For example, at one point, with a lot of work, we were able to get baby to sleep in the crib for the first half hour or so, and that's when we had time for each other.

Also want to echo what a previous poster wrote, that during the first year with a difficult baby, there is going to be less intimacy (not none, but less) and that is ok. This is coming from someone who loves intimacy and it literally fuels my days. I would never choose to do less, but if that's the only way, it is short term. As things get better, intimacy will increase.
(For all those feeling bad for the husbands, by me, it was dh who was too exhausted and overwhelmed. Even though I was up all night with the baby, he was still not getting as much sleep as he needed. I guess I function better on no sleep than he does. And my drive is way higher than his).

So please book a sleep coach asap and remember, this too shall pass!

B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 10:04 am

amother OP wrote:

Yes that's exactly how I feel, the one time we did get some I not only didn't enjoy it but felt worse after. Willing to fake it for dh a few times I guess. Better than nothing.

All the other rooms have kids in them and the only time dh is home during the day is shabbos. I've tried to grab an opportunity but Murphy's law keeps hitting and we only succeeded once. Though now that shabbos is longer maybe it will be easier. I can ask my oldest to play with him while I "nap" and she'd still have time to get together with friends (she usually wants to run off to friends all shabbos but there should be time for both now)

Would your baby sleep with a sibling in their room? Maybe a bumper around baby so sib wont roll over onto him?

amother

DarkMagenta

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 10:31 am

Hi OP
Didn't read the whole thread only your first post.
My baby also HATED his crib. I tried different mattresses until I ordered a memory foam mattress topper on Amazon and gave him a zandino blanket he felt cozy enough to sleep in his crib and he started sleeping much better.
Before that he would only sleep in my bed. With this method he slept in his crib and halfway through the night he would awake and I would bring him to my bed until the morning. This gave me and DH some time to ourselves. I put the links below.

Mattress topper: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B008.....ss_tl

Blanket: https://babyelemeno.com/produc....._ss=r

amother

Gardenia

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 10:40 am

amother DarkMagenta wrote:

The blanket is a huge suffocation hazard at that age. They shouldn’t be using small blankets until at least 1 I think maybe even older. It’s not worth the extra alone time with DH.

amother

Cadetblue

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 10:49 am

OP, your baby always sleeps the same hours as you? Like you can't go to sleep later/ get up in middle if the night for the bathroom? Is he getting enough sleep that way?

I always wondered this about co-sleeping, does it mean baby only gets as much sleep as mom? I have wanted to try it for convenience but also am terrified like you about baby falling off.

Otoh, maybe you can put padding on the floor around your bed, so even in the unlikely case that it were to happen that he wakes up suddenly and crawls off, it won't be too bad? Like those foam mats? They make ones with carpeting on top.

amother

Diamond

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 10:50 am

amother OP wrote:

You sound like a great mom, Op.
I hope you find a solution soon.

amother

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 11:12 am

amother Cadetblue wrote:

If I have to get up, dh watches him. He sleeps well enough that I can do things within my room like fold laundry while being near enough and conscious enough to keep him safe

imaima

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 12:06 pm

amother Gardenia wrote:

The blanket is a huge suffocation hazard at that age. They shouldn’t be using small blankets until at least 1 I think maybe even older. It’s not worth the extra alone time with DH.

People you are going crazy over 20 min of action max.
He may or may not cry
He may or may not roll over
He may or may not pull a blanket. And if he is mobile and alert then that won’t be a problem.

Most of these things will be noticed if the parents are in the room. Then they will have to interrupt what they are doing. But there is still a fairly big chance that he will stay asleep through the whole thing. The problem is never taking any chances because of what ifs.

amother

Hydrangea

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 12:17 pm

I have a baby who also refused the crib. Turned out she had cow milk protein sensitivity, so her tummy hurt and potentially caused reflux. We only found that out later, but at the time we just knew that she slept well with me, or sitting upright in the swing. For whatever reason she slept great in a swing. It isn't ideal from a sleep and development perspective- and I wouldn't do it for a "regular" baby, but I would absolutely let her sleep in the swing from 6pm - 11pm or so. When you're ready to go to bed yourself, just transfer her to your own bed.

amother

Hydrangea

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 12:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

He's too big for a swing and doesn't eat any cow protein except I've started giving him small amounts of yogurt but the sleep issues started way before that.

And no it's not abuse to have relations near a mostly sleeping infant who doesn't know the difference and isn't being touched.

How many pounds does he weigh? Do you nurse him? Do YOU drink cow's milk or ingest any type of cow milk/dairy?
My baby had this problem when nursing - because I ingested dairy.

imaima

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 12:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

Put a grown up mattress in a siblings bedroom. Nurse him to sleep there. Leave him in the room with sleeping siblings. Dtd in your bedroom.
Worst case scenario he rolls over the mattress but no big deal. He may wake them but they might deal with him for a bit which gives you some time. Siblings over the age of 8 obviously