Spinoff cosleeping - no intimacy!

amother

Olive

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 7:08 am

amother Seagreen wrote:

Unpopular opinion alert, but I don't think it's some big disaster to not have much intimacy in the first year following a baby. I have hard babies. They don't sleep so well or go for the crib until closer to 1. I also have a husband who is bh an active parent, including to babies, so he is also exhausted and shocker of shockers not super interested in intimacy until we're all sleeping more. In the first year following each baby, I'd say we've been together 3-4 times that whole year. Our marriage is excellent bh, and has not suffered from those few non-consecutive years of very little intimacy. After the first year, things settle down enough for us to resume a normal intimacy schedule. I guess maybe this wouldn't work if you're having double digit kids, but we have a mid-size family, not small, so we've been through it a number of times already, and it's really not a big deal. It's a season of life and we've accepted that this is what having a baby entails for us.

You do you, whatever works works. And I'm happy it worked for you. But a happy healthy young married couple only having relations 3 times a year is not within the range of normal. OP specifically stated she and her husband are missing one another. So it's a problem.

amother

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 7:21 am

Thanks.

I'm alright with not getting much. It's the zero with little hope for improvement that feels too stark.

I guess we could try a standing position. We haven't really enjoyed creative positioning in the past but it's worth a try.

In the past he'd only chill in a playpen for a couple of minutes but I haven't tried in a while so I can try again.

Dh works late, not sure what sitter could take the baby out for an hour late at night and I also worry about what that would do to the evening routine that we only just got down pat. He used to party half the night, sleeping through the night in my bed is an improvement. He does sleep for a couple of nice stretches, as long as it's in my bed the whole time and cuddled/nursing half the time. I was hopeful that sleeping through the night was a first step toward weaning him out of my bed, but if anything his reaction to the crib seems to have gotten worse.

He does sleep with his mouth open a lot. What would that imply? He seems to be breathing through his nose even when his mouth is open, which seemed a little strange to me.

He was evaluated for tongue tie when we had nursing issues early on and two different doctors didn't find any (the feeding issues sorted themselves out in a few weeks as he got bigger)

Trying to remember if there were any other posts to follow up on. I finally fell back asleep.

amother

Seagreen

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 7:23 am

amother Olive wrote:

They miss each other. She's also stated she's tried everything and it didn't work. So what does it help to tell her that this is going to destroy her marriage? That's the last thing she needs to hear. Clearly she's in a bind. I'm sharing my experience to show that this doesn't have to despair that she won't have a marriage to go back to when things calm down. I think that level of catastrophization is way more unhealthy than just accepting that intimacy might need to be on the back burner for a few more months.

amother

Rainbow

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 7:30 am

I don’t know what was mentioned in the cosleeping thread to help baby sleep, but when I was in a similar bind I did craniosacral therapy with my baby, even after first session she was calmer and after a few sessions she’s sleeping much better and I finally can sleep normally. She was 8 months. I regret not trying earlier. I went to someone excellent!

amother

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 7:31 am

amother Rainbow wrote:

Can you share where your someone excellent is located?

amother

Oleander

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 7:34 am

amother OP wrote:

my daughter is the same way we got her a mattress and put it on the floor right next to our bed. I lay down with her and cuddle her and that's how she falls asleep. I'm not scared of her falling off since one side is a wall and there is a carpet on the other side.

amother

Quince

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 7:37 am

Is there another room you can do it in?
Can you ever do it during daytime?
Can baby ever fall asleep in stroller just for an hour and then you transfer baby?

Hugs because I know how you feel! Even without a cosleeping baby (I don’t cosleep bec im afraid of rolling over ch”v) it’s insanely stressful. If the baby wakes up and cries which they often do , I cannot have sx. It’s just not enjoyable on any level. So it’s immensely stressful bec I’m always wondering if the baby will wake up and cry…

amother

Gardenia

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 7:45 am

amother Seagreen wrote:

Great perspective. Also when you’re so sleep deprived- even if baby sleeps in crib newborns stay wake every few hours so you’re still waking up to feed regardless and it’s hard to stay up and be intimate when all you want to do is prioritize sleep. We love doing during the day when we have the opportunity. Or take a day off of work while baby is at a babysitter or daycare and spend day together and connect.

amother

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 7:46 am

amother Quince wrote:

Yes that's exactly how I feel, the one time we did get some I not only didn't enjoy it but felt worse after. Willing to fake it for dh a few times I guess. Better than nothing.

All the other rooms have kids in them and the only time dh is home during the day is shabbos. I've tried to grab an opportunity but Murphy's law keeps hitting and we only succeeded once. Though now that shabbos is longer maybe it will be easier. I can ask my oldest to play with him while I "nap" and she'd still have time to get together with friends (she usually wants to run off to friends all shabbos but there should be time for both now)

amother

Kiwi

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 8:08 am

amother OP wrote:

There is no room to put the mattress on the floor. Otherwise that's where I would put the baby - if he rolls off there would be a gentle thump and he'd be awake but at least no immediate danger that I couldn't get ahead of fast enough. But I have just a couple of feet of clearance around the beds. Though your comment has me thinking if there's anything that can be rearranged to make this possible... First glimmer of hope on this thread. Going to work on that. There's a desk I can possibly get rid of.

It’s not a matttess in addition to your bed it’s instead of. You disassemble your bed frame, keep it and a box spring if you have it somewhere else for the time being, propped against the wall etc. and the mattress goes on the floor in that space.

amother

Bellflower

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 8:22 am

Didn't read the whole thread but I cosleep an this is what worked for us.

1. I leave baby in one bed by the wall and do it in other bed. Did this by all my kids.

2. We do it shabbos morning and send baby out to play with other kids. Same with shabbos afternoon if we need.

3. Put baby to sleep.in stroller and push it out of the room.

amother

Diamond

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 8:28 am

amother Papaya wrote:

Why can’t you let your baby cry for 30 minutes? Someone will say that I’m cruel but I think what you’re doing to. Your husband is really unkind. If my husband prioritize our baby over me, I would be absolutely devastated. Why can’t you put them in another room just for a little bit? You didn’t even have a quickie but make your husband feel like you love him. It sounds like he also miss it.

amother

Gardenia

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 8:31 am

[quote="amother Diamond"]30 minutes? That’s abuse.
Please don’t do that.
Your child will carry the emotional scars forever.
Op, you should figure something out , most people just have baby against the wall and it’s not a problem. But don’t leave baby to cry, that’s not good advice.[/quote
Am I the only one that doesn’t have part of bed against the wall? Our nigjt tables are on either side of the beds.

amother

Diamond

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 8:33 am

[quote="amother Gardenia"]

amother Diamond wrote:

30 minutes? That’s abuse.
Please don’t do that.
Your child will carry the emotional scars forever.
Op, you should figure something out , most people just have baby against the wall and it’s not a problem. But don’t leave baby to cry, that’s not good advice.[/quote
Am I the only one that doesn’t have part of bed against the wall? Our nigjt tables
are on either side of the beds.

That’s dangerous for co sleeping, you need a bed against the wall.

amother

Gardenia

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 8:55 am

amother Diamond wrote:

That’s dangerous for co sleeping, you need a bed against the wall.

Ya that’s why when I do co sleep it’s in my daughters room in guest room with bed against wall
Also side point- is this how people manage when they’re on vacation and have a baby or toddler in the room? Can also just have them asleep by the wall side of bed?

imaima

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 8:59 am

[quote="amother Gardenia"]

amother Diamond wrote:

We don’t have them in order to have beds by the wall in order to cosleep…

amother

Raspberry

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 9:10 am

OP, I am in a very similar situation. It is so so frustrating and defeating when people are telling you that you are the problem and you're doing everything wrong when the fact is you're baby isn't easy. I've had babies who slept fine in their cribs and life went on as normal. I've had and currently have a baby who will only sleep with me and it definitely affects everything in my life. Mother's get a feeling for how each individual child needs to be mothered and it's nobody's place to blame or shame or judge how she's doing it. I believe people mean well and want to help, but it's just not that simple.
That said, the only way I am able to leave my baby sleeping on my bed and attempt to have any time with my husband is if I push the crib against my bed and push my nightstand against that for weight. It's not a perfect solution but works when I know baby will be in a deeper sleep for a bit. Hope this helps somewhat.

amother

Bottlebrush

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 9:32 am

amother Raspberry wrote:

Thank you for this! I'm not the OP but in a similar situation. Also the comment about having good marriage but only dtd a few times the first year of baby, was helpful. We're doing it probably twice a month and I feel better knowing there's hope for when things get easier.