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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
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amother
Lightcyan
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 Mon, Mar 25 2024, 3:43 pm
| amother OP wrote: | My father usually gives $200 per couple purim gelt.
My father was sick out of commission this year, and my mom said that he'll send everyone the money. I told my mother "thank you, it's a real help for yom tov".
My sister in law commented "really? What's $200? $200 is nothing. " I was so bothered by this. For her, that dresses her kids very expensive, is on government programs, $200 may be nothing. But for me, $200 is shoes for all my kids, or a nice amount of clothing, or money towards groceries... $200 means a lot to me.
Please let's try to be sensitive with our comments. |
I gave my opinion based on this. It was not obvious to me in this OP, that her father was out of commission by the seudah/purim.
I apologize that I did not understand your OP correctly
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amother
Tanzanite
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Mon, Mar 25 2024, 4:13 pm
| rkay wrote: | | Sounds like she meant that $200 doesn't cover much for all the yom tov expenses, not that it isn't helpful. |
I agree.
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B'Syata D'Shmya
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Mon, Mar 25 2024, 4:21 pm
| amother OP wrote: | My father usually gives $200 per couple purim gelt.
My father was sick out of commission this year, and my mom said that he'll send everyone the money. I told my mother "thank you, it's a real help for yom tov".
My sister in law commented "really? What's $200? $200 is nothing. " I was so bothered by this. For her, that dresses her kids very expensive, is on government programs, $200 may be nothing. But for me, $200 is shoes for all my kids, or a nice amount of clothing, or money towards groceries... $200 means a lot to me.
Please let's try to be sensitive with our comments. |
I think she should give you her 200 if she thinks its nothing and doesnt appreciate the gift.
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amother
Banana
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Mon, Mar 25 2024, 6:05 pm
| amother OP wrote: | She said it to me, in response to what I said to my mother, but everyone was in the room. Everyone heard what she said.
It was said in a mocking tone.
I don't care what she spends on her lifestyle.
I'm just trying to explain where I think the comment comes from. That for someone that lives on high standards and doesn't understand the value of hard earned money, $200 may be nothing.
She can think it, but I think that it's insensitive to say to someone in the face. |
I'm totally with you until you started stooping to her level and being rude about the way she accepts government help.
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amother
Hibiscus
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Mon, Mar 25 2024, 6:36 pm
| amother OP wrote: | My father usually gives $200 per couple purim gelt.
My father was sick out of commission this year, and my mom said that he'll send everyone the money. I told my mother "thank you, it's a real help for yom tov".
My sister in law commented "really? What's $200? $200 is nothing. " I was so bothered by this. For her, that dresses her kids very expensive, is on government programs, $200 may be nothing. But for me, $200 is shoes for all my kids, or a nice amount of clothing, or money towards groceries... $200 means a lot to me.
Please let's try to be sensitive with our comments. |
Maybe I'm stupid. How do you dress your kids very expensive when on government programs?
In any case, dismissing someone's generosity as "nothing" is rude, be it $20, $200, or $2000 -- and regardless of personal economic standing.
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amother
Denim
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Mon, Mar 25 2024, 6:43 pm
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Op, To whomever said your comment of “thank you- it’s a real help” is pressurizing, I completely disagree! Whenever my parents give me money, I always tell them what an absolute help it is! I try to give specifics on how it’s helping me. I think it makes them feel so good!! That their money is going a long way and is being used to help their children rather than “uch what’s $200” (would just make me feel like why should I give anything?!)
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amother
Papaya
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Mon, Mar 25 2024, 7:02 pm
| amother Denim wrote: | | Op, To whomever said your comment of “thank you- it’s a real help” is pressurizing, I completely disagree! Whenever my parents give me money, I always tell them what an absolute help it is! I try to give specifics on how it’s helping me. I think it makes them feel so good!! That their money is going a long way and is being used to help their children rather than “uch what’s $200” (would just make me feel like why should I give anything?!) |
Like I said, I didn’t say it regarding it’s a big help. I said it based on her original OP which used the words were counting on it. It isn’t the same.
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mig100
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Mon, Mar 25 2024, 7:11 pm
| amother OP wrote: | For her it doesn't. But for many others, that don't spend almost $200 on a pair of shoes per kid, $200 goes a long way.
I think it's an insensitive comment to make. |
I agree.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Mar 25 2024, 7:50 pm
| amother Papaya wrote: | | Like I said, I didn’t say it regarding it’s a big help. I said it based on her original OP which used the words were counting on it. It isn’t the same. |
I didn't tell my mother that we're counting on it.
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amother
Papaya
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Mon, Mar 25 2024, 7:54 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | I didn't tell my mother that we're counting on it. |
That’s fine. But that’s what you originally wrote, so my reaction to what you said was based off of those words being used, since that’s the information that was given to me.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Mar 25 2024, 7:55 pm
| amother Papaya wrote: | | That’s fine. But that’s what you originally wrote, so my reaction to what you said was based off of those words being used, since that’s the information that was given to me. |
I think you misunderstood. I didn't write that I told my mother that I'm counting on it.
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Busybee5
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Mon, Mar 25 2024, 7:57 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | I think you misunderstood. I didn't write that I told my mother that I'm counting on it. |
I wonder if this is a language issue. Op clearly wrote what she said to her mother, and 'I was counting on it' clearly wasn't it!!
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amother
Papaya
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Mon, Mar 25 2024, 8:01 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | I think you misunderstood. I didn't write that I told my mother that I'm counting on it. |
You literally did. You clearly have changed your post since, but someone quoted you before you did so there’s actual proof on the first page if you’d like a reference.
Those were the words you used, they may have been incorrect but that is what you initially wrote, and I reacted based on “thank you, we’re counting on it for yom tov” which was what I saw when I commented.
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amother
Papaya
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Mon, Mar 25 2024, 8:03 pm
| Busybee5 wrote: | | I wonder if this is a language issue. Op clearly wrote what she said to her mother, and 'I was counting on it' clearly wasn't it!! |
Look at the second response to OP, which quoted what she originally wrote. I’m not crazy, she wrote it. She just changed it since then apparently. That’s the same OP I saw when I wrote my comment, before this thread went pages long.
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Busybee5
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Mon, Mar 25 2024, 8:05 pm
| amother Papaya wrote: | | Look at the second response to OP, which quoted what she originally wrote. I’m not crazy, she wrote it. She just changed it since then apparently. That’s the same OP I saw when I wrote my comment, before this thread went pages long. |
Yes I see it now. I still think that sil was insensitive with her comment.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Mar 25 2024, 8:05 pm
| amother Papaya wrote: | You literally did. You clearly have changed your post since, but someone quoted you before you did so there’s actual proof on the first page if you’d like a reference.
Those were the words you used, they may have been incorrect but that is what you initially wrote, and I reacted based on “thank you, we’re counting on it for yom tov” which was what I saw when I commented. |
Ok, there must've been some sort of typo, or I was thinking something else while I was typing, which is probably why I edited my original post. I didn't mean to write that, as I didn't say that.
In any case, your responses are quite strong even if I had told my mother that I'm counting on it. It seems like all your posts are based on my original OP that had a typo that was there for afew minutes.
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amother
Papaya
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Mon, Mar 25 2024, 8:15 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Ok, there must've been some sort of typo, or I was thinking something else while I was typing, which is probably why I edited my original post. I didn't mean to write that, as I didn't say that.
In any case, your responses are quite strong even if I had told my mother that I'm counting on it. |
That’s fine, I would have reacted differently with the different wording regarding what you said. My opinion on the original words was that it’s also insensitive, if comes across as entitled and very pressuring. What you actually said is not the same degree, so I wouldn’t have said that.
Either way like I said I was trying to make a point about your SIL the benefit of the doubt. I wasn’t saying what I said about a potential financial issue from the comment about your father not being around, but rather that your mother made a comment about sending it. She could have just handed out the money herself if that’s the typical way it’s done, your father being sick for the day wouldn’t effect whether the cash was there (most people don’t go to the bank on Purim day). To me it seemed like there could be something deeper going on, and typically when people have financial “obligations” they can’t afford, the first thing they do is push off making it. Whether or not it’s actually the case I have no idea, my point was neither do you and maybe SIL is privy to information you didn’t know and was trying to minimize the pressure and need for the gelt to be sent. Was just trying to give another perspective, to not take it personally and believe she maybe had good intentions
But it’s okay, you can think whatever you want. You came on here for opinions, you got some you don’t like. My opinion isnt wrong or “strong” just because you disagree with it.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Mar 25 2024, 8:18 pm
| amother Papaya wrote: | That’s fine, I would have reacted differently with the different wording regarding what you said. My opinion on the original words was that it’s also insensitive, if comes across as entitled and very pressuring. What you actually said is not the same degree, so I wouldn’t have said that.
Either way like I said I was trying to make a point about your SIL the benefit of the doubt. I wasn’t saying what I said about a potential financial issue from the comment about your father not being around, but rather that your mother made a comment about sending it. She could have just handed out the money herself if that’s the typical way it’s done, your father being sick for the day wouldn’t effect whether the cash was there (most people don’t go to the bank on Purim day). To me it seemed like there could be something deeper going on, and typically when people have financial “obligations” they can’t afford, the first thing they do is push off making it. Whether or not it’s actually the case I have no idea, my point was neither do you and maybe SIL is privy to information you didn’t know and was trying to minimize the pressure and need for the gelt to be sent. Was just trying to give another perspective, to not take it personally and believe she maybe had good intentions
But it’s okay, you can think whatever you want. You came on here for opinions, you got some you don’t like. My opinion isnt wrong or “strong” just because you disagree with it. |
My mother doesn't typically hand out the money. My father does. My father prepares it in envelopes with cards & it wasn't prepared yet.
It seems like you're really intent on twisting the story in any way so it should seem like I did something wrong.
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amother
Blueberry
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Mon, Mar 25 2024, 8:41 pm
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Wow, very disrespectful of your SIL to say, especially with your mother in the room. Regardless of how much $ it is, even if it was $10.
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kenz
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Mon, Mar 25 2024, 8:47 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Thank you.
I'm scratching my head over some responses here. Like posters are deliberately looking to turn this on me and make me feel like I did something wrong. |
They’re just not taking the time to read carefully. Anyone who actually spent a minute reading what you wrote instead of skimming would not have jumped to these conclusions.
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