Do you know what your sons are doing tonight?

amother

DarkYellow

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 9:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

At the moment I only have teen girls, I have a few years till my boys leave but I plan to bring them home for Purim. They can go around with my husband and have a good time without making a fool of themselves.

We'll talk when you have teen boys ih.

amother

Dustypink

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 9:56 pm

O the innocence of youth

Well for starters you could close your door and not have to deal with this. If you have an open house on Purim this is bound to happen and you need to be okay with it.

As a mother of a few teen boys , I know that as much as I and all my friends neighbors and relatives know that you can’t really stop your teen from doing this on Purim ( unless you lock him up at home and stifle him)

What you can do is educate him. Before Purim we discuss with our children what types of alcohol should not be mixed, how to pace themselves, how to drink water between drinks . We also discuss proper behavior and what we do realistically expect from them ( to call home every two hours , to have a cell number to reach them at etc)

Ema of 5

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 10:01 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

Right, because mothers and fathers absolutely LOVE when their immature teenage sons behave this way.

And parents have full control over what their kids do. And parents are always to blame for their kids bad behavior 🙄

amother

Alyssum

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 10:57 pm

Ema of 5 wrote:

Everyone is an expert parent….until they have children, or children of a certain age.

I keep telling my teen dd that. That I can't wait until she has her own kids and I can watch her be the perfect mother and enjoy her perfectly raised kids Smile

but for now....

amother

Salmon

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:10 pm

WhatFor wrote:

How old are they? Are they 14? Did you ask any of them for a number to call an adult they know to pick them up? Please consider that these are children and humans, no matter how uncharismatic they are when they're drunk. If they're already vomiting then they've had too much alcohol for their body and need help.

Give them non-alcoholic fluids (even better if electrolytes like gatorade but water is fine), something plain to eat like chips, and call one of their parents to come get them. Please don't just throw these kids out without making sure they're being passed over to someone who can look out for them.

Sorry but I am not anyone's nurse. Sure I will offer water but I don't stock electrolyte drinks for drunk people. I am not their mother or nurse.

Alcohol is dangerous.
If a child comes to my house I will not let them near any alcohol. And child here means under 21.
And if one comes to my house drunk? I will call their parents ASAP and if I can't reach them or dont know how to reach them- I might just call the cops. They need to be safe and that is not something I want to take responsibility for. Do I know the signs of alcohol poisoning? What if one passes out? Do I know how to check to make sure they are safe? That they are still breathing? That they haven't choked on their own vomit? Nope.

Sorry but I have a zero tolerance policy for alcohol abuse especially in minors.

It is illegal to give alcohol to minors. ILLEGAL.

amother

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:13 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

How did they end up in your house?

I am totally fine with groups of buchrim coming in , singing and dancing for a couple minutes, asking for $ and leaving which is what most groups do and yes we open the door for then for a couple minutes. We had something like 7 families by our seudah so I guess they decided to make themselves comfortable. We are not these major financial supporters or just anyone who wants come join our seuda type. It was just a gesgmak atmosphere until they came.

amother

Seablue

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:13 pm

amother Salmon wrote:

You might not be a nurse, but you are a human being.

No one is asking you to give our kids more alcohol. Please don't!
Either call their parents or don't let them into your home. I'm not understanding why OP has these guys in her house in the first place....

If you have an open house on purim, that's on you. Don't be mad when it gets crazy.

amother

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:16 pm

Ema of 5 wrote:

Everyone is an expert parent….until they have children, or children of a certain age.

I happen to have girls the same age, I am not totally clueless. If my daughter would act like that she would be grounded for a week or worse. I would be horrified if a friend would report her drinking at age 14. I would like to think I would say the same for my son but yeah feel free to bump this thread in 2 years and watch me keep my word and drive out 5-10 hours to bring my 9th graders home for Purim rather than leave it to chance.
My husband got insanely drunk, once. And it has never happened again. I told him very clearly that I don’t approve or allow losing himself to such an extent that I don’t trust or feel safe around him, he understands it and has been apologizing for the last 15 Purims , lol.

amother

Tan

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

I told the boys to leave after they puked all over the bathroom (and gave them garbage bags) and they refused to leave and asked to eat something . I wasn’t comfortable with that (again these are total strangers who were acting very drunk ) and they just started helping themselves to food with their hands, ruining our food that we spent hours preparing for.

I’m more horrified that one would tell boys in this state to leave and not make sure they’re safe than I am with the boys behavior.
At least they have the excuse that they’re children.
An adult should know that they have to make sure a child, even one they don’t know, is safe.

amother

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:18 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

I wouldn’t call allowing buchrim into collect an open house, we very clearly told them it was time to go when they overstayed their welcome. We typically get 10-20 groups of buchrim for a few minutes at a time Purim night. That’s normal in my community. Coming in a vomiting is not normal or acceptable.

amother

Seablue

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

So this is the first time you are experiencing this? I'm not taking away from how gross that is. I would be mighty annoyed. But it sounds like this is a one off. Probably some tenth grader who doesn't know how to manage alcohol. Again, it's wrong of them, but is this happening year to year?

Where is your husband in all of this?

amother

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:26 pm

amother DarkYellow wrote:

I hope to by like my mother & MIL ih. They prepare a ton ton ton of finger foods & offer foods & drinks to whoever comes collecting. Many groups of bachurim sit down & eat there. I have rachmanos on those boys that are forced to collect a certain amount on purim. They're exhausted and starved.
(Most groups in my community, have a supervisor.)

I have allowed groups to sit and eat in the past if they would have behaved normally but 1) we had girls over and it wasn’t appropriate setting for boys and when a host says no the answer is no, even if they fed people a different year and (2) once they were vomiting I didn’t want them around my kids or in my house. That is my breaking point which I wouldn’t tolerate of any of my guests. You want to act silly, sing/ dance/ purim torah , great , enjoy. Vomiting and you’re out the door/ not invited back and yes thats communicated clearly. I think we have had 3 families over the years that we haven’t invited back because of their husbands or sons behaviors. We all want to enjoy Purim.
Ok , I guess we have sunk to such low expectations that by allowing boys into collect, people think it’s self understood that they will act crazy. Unfortunately, this type of boys might start ruining for everyone and we will have to stop answering knocks. I am so not ok with this.

amother

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:29 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

Their have been other types I have had drunk boys come into the house and act inappropriate, never to this extreme and for this long. Most boys when told to leave will leave and typically it’s one kid vomiting, here they were all doing it together. They also literally wasted a whole table worth of food that could have fed 10 people which was really upsetting to not have enough food/ no one wanted to touch it after their behavior (between the vomit and eating with their hands off the serving trays, 1 boy took a ladle and drank straight from the tureen of fruit soup) .

amother

Seablue

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think you need to make a boundary. If they come, they don't get to come inside. A couple of years of this and they won't come back or they will be happy to dance with your husband outside.

To be honest, you are a house with teenage girls and no older sons, so I'm not sure why your house is a good destination in the first place.

Librarian

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:31 pm

I disagree with this whole "boys will be boys" attitude. We can't just throw our hands up in the air and say this is just how it is. I don't believe there is no solution. Yes, maybe I was lucky with my boys but I sure didn't leave it up to luck. I did every thing humanly possible to avoid these very scenarios.

Last edited by Librarian on Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:33 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:31 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

My husband (as well as several of the men) was telling them to go outside and repeatedly asking them to give him their R”Y or Rebbe’s number (which at first they wouldn’t give ). They weren’t listening to him.
Now I get that he may not look as authoritative in a clown suit but he is still an adult.

amother

Seablue

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

The answer has been "yes" for at least 10 years. This is the mitziyus on this one day a year. When I see any male 13+ I assume he is/will be drunk. Generally, the younger the more likely to puke in my vicinity. I do not trust any stranger male on Purim

amother

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:33 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

Presumably word got around because one of our guests/ my shver is very wealthy and he gave a good donation to some of the kids earlier in the day . We all unanimously agreed not to give to this group as they didn’t deserve it. I think the boys go to every frum house on the block, if it’s a matzav they stay a bit and if not it’s just in and out. Normally they just interact with the men.

Librarian

Sun, Mar 24 2024, 11:34 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

The answer has been "yes" for at least 10 years. This is the mitziyus on this one day a year. When I see any male 13+ I assume he is/will be drunk.

Not in my house. My son is 23. Was not drunk 10 years ago, not drunk today. It does not have to be the mitziyus.