Wanna move and my kids are against it

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Forum -> Inquiries & Offers -> Moving/ Relocating

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amother

Ultramarine

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 9:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

I just never expected them to literally cry. I also thought they would like the place where we would like to move too. There are perks too.
And yes it feels great to go to her school because it’s fun.

That’s why I want to move her. It was never s long term solution to begin with.

Why is it so shocking to you? It's literally uprooting then from what they've known their whole lives

amother

Ultramarine

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 9:02 pm

amother RosePink wrote:

I moved at 10 because of my father's job.
His company was downsizing and the only comparable job near a decent size Jewish community that he could find was 800 miles away.
It was difficult and traumatic.

What made it easier was 1) my parents being honest that this was the only option 2) they let me be not ok with it. They were ok with me showing unhappiness. They acknowledged how difficult it was, they didn't minimize the difficulty.

As an adult, I am able to be ok with it and see the positives because I can see how little options my parents actually had.

My point is that sometimes there is no choice but to uproot teens.

And it is equally important to do it the right way. Sounds like your parents were attentive, validated you, and were there for you
Good for them!

amother

Stoneblue

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 9:07 pm

justforfun87 wrote:

I think the only move that is worth the adjustment like this is one to Israel. Even then I'd be very hesitant if all kids weren't on board.

I saw so many families suffering bc of that move (with older kids) and the parents struggle.to help them bc they don't know the system.

amother

Ecru

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 9:09 pm

OP it sounds like you’ve sprung this on them all of a sudden. Have you been telling them over the years that the goal is to move and talked about the potential places?
Even if you have been open about it for years I wouldn’t move teens who are so against it. And certainly not to a totally different country.
They will most likely be miserable. I don’t think it’s wise or fair to them. Sorry 😞

amother

Ecru

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 9:11 pm

Btw just want to add I very much feel sorry for you. It must be horrible to have your dream crushed and your kids want to stay in the place you’ve been trying to leave.

amother

Taupe

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 9:13 pm

Learning a new language is really difficult! If they need to know a new language because it’s what is spoken in a new school, then I honestly don’t see the point. They won’t be able to pick up a different/better hashkafa from the school if they literally can’t understand what’s going on.

octopus

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 9:19 pm

If your teenagers are not in board there is nothing to work with.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 12:21 am

amother OP wrote:

We have been wanting to move for a very long time. We could never afford it.
Now we are at a point where we are okay in our community but don’t like where it is going. We don’t like the school. One child is in a school where she feels good but it is too secular for her and our level of observance. She is observant but slacking in the areas that the school doesn’t support (e.g. davening). She is 14.
Other kids are pre-teen and like the school that we don’t like (they have never known better).

We can afford to live in a different community and have chosen one, but it’s abroad and kids need to learn a whole new language.
Then there is another place with a better community, but the schools are not much better.
Kids would agree to move to Israel but we cannot afford it yet. Would need another couple of years.

So we have started to explore the move and my kids are literally crying telling us they don’t want to move. We are shocked.
Do we give up the idea? Do we try and persuade them because we know better?

Will it ruin everything if I move a teenager from the school she likes?

Make Aliyah to Israel your goal, may Hashem help you do it in less than the couple of years you think you need.
Much Hatzlacha in everything...davening.

amother

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 2:17 am

amother Ecru wrote:

The topic has been in the air for a while now. We have visited a few places that we considered for moving. Some of my kids‘ friends moved to these places so it’s not completely new.
So I expected them to kind of be aware. But they thought it had been a joke

essie14

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 2:17 am

If your kids are on board with aliyah, then make that your goal, whenever it can happen. I would never uproot teens who aren't on board, unless it was extremely extenuating circumstances.
It will 100% end badly.

amother

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 2:25 am

essie14 wrote:

I feel like when this will be possible, my teen will be too close to graduation in the country we live in now. For the others it might be fine.

amother

Aster

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 2:32 am

I don't mean to be rude, but OP this is on you.
If you wanted to move that is something that should have been done when your kids were younger.
If you wanted them in a more RW school that is something that should have been doen when your kids were younger.
Maybe you didn't have better options, but the point is is that you made this choice and it's not right for you to put it on your kids. They are teens that have feelings and unless you have a really urgent reason to move (lost your job, medical treatment etc...) it's not right to do that to your kids now.
I really feel for you, it is so hard to look life in the face and realize that you made the wrong choices or you took too long to decide and lost the chance.

essie14

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 2:38 am

amother OP wrote:

I feel like when this will be possible, my teen will be too close to graduation in the country we live in now. For the others it might be fine.

So you'll let her graduate and reassess the rest of your kids at that time.

amother

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 2:42 am

amother Aster wrote:

It was always out of necessity. She had been in a more rw school till 12. She just had to go somewhere else when her class fell apart.

That was done with the recommendation of several dayanim. Yes I am planning to ask the same dayanim what we are supposed to do now.

amother

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 3:09 am

I just don’t know what to do.
I have tickets booked and the appointment for the interview in the new school.

Do I cancel? Do I go in the hopes that they like it once they see it?
I kind of persuaded the teen to go and look with no commitment. But someone from the new school has already told her how everything is „forbidden“ in the new school and another person claimed as a given that there will be bullying for sure.

Reality

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 3:19 am

amother OP wrote:

How many conversations have you had about this?

The crazy part is picking up and moving to a new country knowing in a few years you're going to do it again. If you can't afford to move to Israel yet, how can you afford two international moves?

If your kids are on board with moving to Israel then I think it is much smarter to look into your options in Israel. Better to live on a lower financial level then to move to two different countries in five years.

Reality

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 3:25 am

amother OP wrote:

I made aliyah with teens. My kids adapted extremely well, beyond our wildest dreams. One, because Hashem is so kind. Two, my DH and I listened to our children. When I had kids who balked at some school rules that were more strict then their school in the US, I listened. I sent them to a school that is more to the left then their old one. Guess what? They love that school. They are actually frummer and more connected now then they ever would have been in their old, "frummer" school. Number one mistake is sending an older child to a school where they feel strict rules are being forced on them. Please, don't do it!

amother

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 3:29 am

Reality wrote:

Dh has a business still here that he will need to supervise every now and then.
That’s much easier from the community where we are planning to move to now.
We could theoretically also just stay in that community and never move to Israel.

The issue is, there will always be a teenager. If not her then the ones below her.

Reality

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 3:46 am

amother OP wrote:

What you are really saying, you are choosing your husband's work schedule over your children's school options and overall wellbeing.

I don't agree with that. Better your husband has worse travel for business and happy, well adjusted children in schools that meet your needs then convenient work commute and miserable children.

I am not against moving with older kids, obviously. I think people on this board view it as more traumatic then it really is. But your plans really don't sound in the best interest of your children and I think that is wrong. Before you have kids, when you have little ones and when you are an empty nester, you can move wherever and however often you want. Now is not the time for that.

amother

Cerise

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 3:57 am

I made aliya as an on board teen - and it was incredibly difficult

I can not imagine even considering moving a teen against there will. That is literally begging them to either go OTD or to develop severe mental health issues.

In general, what the mechanchim say for aliya (which I do believe can be flexible if the kid is on board) not to make the move after 9. I think changing countries, to a place with a new culture, and a new language probably has the same rule.

If the kids are all on board for aliya - that makes much more sense.
How often does dh need to travel?
Are we talking Australia to Israel kind of travel or more of NYC to Israel?
Because there are ways to make it doable. Friends of ours have a dh who does two weeks/two weeks, and while its grueling it was the only way to make aliya doable for them.
I know someone else who does a week a month, which is much better.

To me - either you make the move to Israel now, or make peace staying where you are. And if thats the case, you need to stop forcing the family standards on your DD. Encourage, praise, support them, but if you force her to be different then the hashkafa of the school YOU chose to send to, it will backfire.

Also realize if you dn't move now, chances are your teen/teens will never fully integrate (14 is the edge) and may never feel comfortable in Israel. They also will probably stay where you are as an adult.

I hope this is a cautionary tale to everyone - there is a time frame when huge moves can be made with kids.

I want to reiterate, that when kids are on board for a move, its different. There are still challenges, but it makes it much more doable. And even so - I think 16/17 would be the limit, unless they are super passionate and pushing the move. When they are practically adults you need to treat them as if they are adults when it comes to moving to a new country, new culture, new language.
How would you like being forced to move to Thailand with no say - even if you think Thailand is really cool and have always wanted to vacation there.

What most people who make aliya don't understand is how HARD it is for the first 2-3 years. Kids for sure do not understand that. You need to be ready for a really tough adjustment period.

Again, if they are onboard it can be okay - but look at it from there perspective.
Basically forcing them to go into that grueling process, knowing you will repeat in a few years, for your financial security and husbands scheduling preferences. I know how I would feel as an adult if those where the decisions my parents made for me.
I think that even in the best case, most unlikely scenario where everyone thrives with both moves, you will probably severely damage your kids relationship with you and there sense of security.

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