Formula feeding. Let's put it into perspective

amother

DarkGreen

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 6:49 pm

amother Olive wrote:

Not all of us choose to give formula we give formula so our babies will be healthy most don’t give bottles for convenience. But you nursing cause it works don’t make you better and don’t make your binding and living your baby bettet

Ch"v I wasn't saying that!!!

Zero judgement for choosing or being ok w/ formula. Thank goodness we live in a time where babies have multiple options for food.

I got annoyed bec she insinuated that ppl are mostly upset bec society says BF is better not because some mothers love BF, regardless of society.

amother

Daffodil

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 12:14 am

amother OP wrote:

The post from a mom asking what to do about her milk coming in after a misscarriage at 19 weeks got me thinking. She's in pain, phyically from the milk and emotionally thinking what could've been.

I don't want to post this there as it will derail, and it would be insensitive.

I'm not good at nursing. I don't have a good supply, my babies are misreable, they don't gain weight and don't settle. BH I don't find it a problem, I give formula and all is good. I'm aware that not everyone can feed and am happy there are good formulas and am confident in my decision.

But I do see that some people would be devastated and keep trying, even when they are misreable and so are their babies.

I remember a friend had a stillborn at full term. Knowing I don't nurse she asked me what I do to stop my milk coming in as she was in tremendous pain. Only, I never had that 'problem', my milk simply never came in.

I realised then that I was actually very fortunate. I had a healthy baby but no milk, a 'problem' that was easily sorted with formula. My friend had milk...but no baby. A much much harder situ.

Ladies can we put things in perspective and not make a difficulty into a huge problem?

Thoughts anyone?

Thank you for this post. It made me feel better.
First I’m Very sorry for your friend.

Second lehavdil- I had very low milk supply with all my kids. I went to the top lactation consultants and they even told me after trying and trying and all kind of systems that I just need to let that dream go.

I did feel guilty for a long time and yes there is no denying that the bonding is not the same. Nor are the health benefits of breast milk and formula comparable but this is what HaSHem wanted. My milk supply is in His control. I davened for more milk but for reasons I don’t know it just didn’t increase.

I do happen to have a very stressful life so I don’t know if that’s why my body couldn’t produce more milk… but it is what it is… in the long run- can we actually tell a difference on a persons emotional health? Like are my kids worse off emotionally because I didn’t breastfeed them? I would hope not. I wonder if we were to look into a classroom- would we see that the breastfed students are doing better? I doubt it.

Debbie

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 1:17 am

Ema of 5 wrote:

Then consider yourself lucky. It happens plenty in real life too.

Ema of 5, I had to deal with some really judgmental comments when I tried and 'failed' to breastfeed my first baby over 32 years ago; I had hoped that didn't happen anymore but sadly it does.
This might sound crazy but as a fairly new BT at the time I actually wondered if formula feeding was against Yiddishkeit, and that I wasn't a proper Jewish mother; that combined with feelings of guilt and failure were hard to cope with at times.
I had to remind myself that formula feeding is not a form of child abuse!

amother

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 5:44 am

amother Daffodil wrote:

This actually reminds me of an anecdote that happened a few years ago. My daughter had a teacher, who a few years after she taught her, when she was in her late 30's got remarried and had twins, her first children. It was a huge simcha and she wanted to do everything 'right' which included breastfeeding.

Six weeks or so after their birth she called me and said she owes me a huge thank you, she's sooo grateful to me etc etc... I was a bit puzzled, I'd helped her with some meals after the birth but nothing that necessaitated a huge 'thank you'!

She went on to explain that she was struggling with nursing and although she was aware that it's not always possible to fully nurse twins, she was determined to try. But after a few weeks, she was really struggling, her babies weren't gaining well and were unsettled and miserable and so was she. She knew she was gonna have to switch to formula and was trying to reassure herself that they would be just fine.

One of the things she'd read was that nursed babies have a higher IQ, and which mother wouldn't want to give their child a great head start? She went on to say that she recalls teaching my daughter and remembers her as a bright and clever child...even though she was formula fed! It's funny she even knew but she remembered a chance conversation from a year or two back.

She said suddenly she realised of course there are benefits to nursing, but a lot of them are anecdotal, and should not be the reason to nurse when it's just not working! She'd tried her hardest and given them a good start and now it was time to do what she had to. I was so glad to be able to help her do that with happy heart!

So in answer to your question Daffodil, breastfed kids do not grow up cleverer, healthier etc across the board.

Ema of 5

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 6:34 am

Debbie wrote:

That’s awful, I’m really sorry you had to go through that.

amother

Catmint

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 6:40 am

For some reason there are certain things that people like to take credit for, that are none of their own doing, and it gives them some sense of superiority if it's something that is seen as 'better'. I find it's this attitude that leads to all kinds of comments and judgement.

Not just about formula feeding, but also other things e.g. women who are proud that they "never had a c-section" - it's not just a regular feeling grateful, it's like this misplaced pride that they would never be the "type", as if it was they themselves resulted in their own successes. And here, with formula vs. breastfeeding, there are those who believe that because it's "best" and they had no problem, it's some kind of medal of achievement and others just didn't try hard enough.

amother

Papayawhip

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 7:01 am

for all those who just don't get it-
YOU ARE SOOOO WRONG! MAY YOU NEVER KNOW! As someone who has been through infertility AND insufficient glandular tissue - which forced me to formula feed when I finally BH had a baby - always accept that no are no certain rules!
I genuinely didn't have what to give my babies! so painful! Don't make it more painful by blaming me!!!!
and OP- I find your post - relieving and wonderful! I couldn't hear it when I was coming to terms with a reality of hardly any milk, but now, yes, I agree- no room for guilt here!!!!!

amother

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 7:07 am

amother Papayawhip wrote:

Thank you, I appreciate your post. It's those like you who I wrote it for. The Imas who gave advice and listed the benefits of nursing on this thread, all I can say is they missed the point!

amother

Lemon

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 8:24 am

Thanks for this post OP. I couldn't nurse my babies because of the way their mouths are shaped.

No thanks to all posters preaching about the health benefits and amazing bonding with nursing.

I know a lot more about nursing than a lot of mothers who nurse successfully because of all the efforts I put in trying to nurse. It's condescending to assume I didn't nurse because I'm not smart enough to figure it out or because I don't know the benefits.

Putting it into perspective helps me. My kids are doing great bh and we're all very bonded.

amother

Scarlet

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 8:33 am

amother OP wrote:

So in answer to your question Daffodil, breastfed kids do not grow up cleverer, healthier etc across the board.

Agree. My child that I nursed for 15 months has the weakest immune system.. She is always the one coming down with every cold, virus or flu. My other dd who I ff exclusively is almost never sick.

She is also extremely smart - top of every class.

So please don't torture yourself that you're affecting your kids lives by ff. Just focus on being the best mother you can be. That has much larger payouts.

amother

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 10:21 am

amother Lemon wrote:

It's often like that-those of us who turn to formula after giving nursing our all have generally worked way harder at it then our nursing counterparts.

And once we've put it into perspective we can enjoy the benefits of formula. And there are many! Formula fed babies often sleep better, are more settled and go for longer stretches. But most of all, they and their siblings have a calm mom-no more wondering if they have wind or are still hungry, no more wondering if they've gained any weight...

amother

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 10:43 am

Ema of 5 wrote:

Then consider yourself lucky. It happens plenty in real life too.

I've noticed that in real life people often give advice etc when they sense you're not confident in what you're doing. For my older children I hadn't really accepted that I was feeding my babies the only way I could. I found myself 'apologising' to other moms, saying how hard I tried, how lucky they are to nurse etc etc and found myself open to advice.

With time, common sense and maturity it just became a non-issue and I thouroghly enjoyed the newborn stage. I was matter of fact, and the advice and comments didn't happen.

So ladies, confidence is the name of the game!

Ema of 5

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 10:47 am

amother OP wrote:

The bottom line is, no one should judge the way ANYONE feeds their baby. Some people have no problems nursing and/or pumping. Some people struggle, but push through. Some people struggle and realize they need to move to bottles. Some people start off with bottles because they know from previous experience. Some people start with bottles simply because that’s what works best for them. NONE OF THESE ARE WRONG OR SHOULD BE MADE TO FEEL GUILTY!

amother

Mon, Feb 26 2024, 10:54 am

Ema of 5 wrote:

You're 1000% right. But no harm in protecting ourselves by being (or feigning if you have to) confidence in what we're doing.