Call me a mean mommy but I was at my wits end

amother

Blushpink

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 11:13 pm

All the mothers here need to learn the definition of abuse. This whole thread is actually incredibly demoralizing to a person who has actually been abused.
(Remind me of when people refer to someone as a Nazi. It's insensitive to people who actually have experienced the Nazis.)
A parent gently grabbing a child's arm in frustration is NOT abuse. I know some people who have been abused and they would have loved for their parent to ONCE grab their arm in frustration. So let's all get a grip. (Punny)

amother

Peony

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 11:20 pm

amother OP wrote:

I want bedtime to be a positive experience. I'm just out of ideas of how to get her to stay in bed. I'm in no way an abusive mother I guess I just acted out of desperation tonight Can't Believe It

My son was exactly the same way- at 4 he was climbing the walls and coming downstairs- absolutely nothing worked. He obviously couldn’t relax and all asleep- he would jump on his bed etc. I spoke to my dr and started a tiny amount of melatonin- it worked amazingly. I gave it to him every other night and it taught him how to relax and fall asleep. I skip most nights now because he goes to sleep on his own. Hatzlacha- I know how stressful this is!!

amother

NeonOrange

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 11:21 pm

I won’t comment on what you did as there are plenty of others giving you mussar so you don’t need another one…

I understand the frustration but at such a moment I step away… I go on my phone or distract myself… I have raised my voice out of frustration although I try hard not to… I do feel guilty after because I’m the adult…

My friend gave me great advice and it’s been amazing. I bought a cd player on Amazon and a few YAEL books that come with a read along cd… it’s been amazing and my nights are so much calmer.. it still takes a long time but at least my toddler is in bed. I also sit on the floor by the door outside of the room for 10-15 minutes or less depending on the night.

I spoke to a parenting coach about how frustrating bedtime is and she told me that it’s my responsibility as the parent and not the child’s responsibility to figure out a way to create a calm bedtime routine… hatzalcha!

amother

Aster

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 11:23 pm

Here is the problem, Op You were overwhelmed and lost control tonight and became physical with your baby. All the Imas here are giving you suggestions for dealing with the bedtime issue. But this is just a bandaid. I guarantee you that as your child gets older you will solve this problem there will be others. you will feel overwhelmed again as we all do at different points. You need to learn how to regulate your emotional reactions that don’t involve physical harm out of desperation. For example instead of losing it twisting your baby’s arm and then posting about it on imamother, a more productive reaction would have been to post asking for ideas before you got to that point. There is nothing wrong with seeking help, please find yourself a therapist so you can learn how to better manage your frustrations as there are many when it comes to parenting.

amother

Lightgray

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 11:28 pm

amother Aster wrote:

Here is the problem, Op You were overwhelmed and lost control tonight and became physical with your baby. All the Imas here are giving you suggestions for dealing with the bedtime issue. But this is just a bandaid. I guarantee you that as your child gets older you will solve this problem there will be others. you will feel overwhelmed again as we all do at different points. You need to learn how to regulate your emotional reactions that don’t involve physical harm out of desperation. For example instead of losing it twisting your baby’s arm and then posting about it on imamother, a more productive reaction would have been to post asking for ideas before you got to that point. There is nothing wrong with seeking help, please find
a therapist so you can learn how to better manage your frustrations as there are many when it comes to parenting.

Seeking help is a great idea

As someone who gets so frustrated by kids not going to bed and I admit I’ve lost my temper , and I also handled my Dc roughly when they were wild and out of control: for me it gets better when they’re older and able to understand, have a conversation, understand reward and consequence.
There’s no need for being physical once they get older bH bH. A 9 yo is much easier to parent than my 6 yo and 3 yo

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 11:37 pm

imasinger wrote:

Let's see if we can offer you better solutions than that.

Hurting a child, even "gently" might win you this battle tonight, but it will lose you so incredibly much more in the long term.

Tell us a little about structure, rewards, and consequences in your parenting. We'll help you out. And most of us really understand the frustration of That Kid who just won't stay in bed. You're not alone in feeling it up to here.

I love this response.

amother

Blonde

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 11:51 pm

amother Blushpink wrote:

Is this serious or facetious.
I hope facetious.
OP your daughter will be fine. She needs a mommy with a little backbone who does not overthink every action that she does. I'm not saying you always have to get physical but children can sense when mommy is really serious and when they can "get away with it". Once you squeezed her arm she could see you meant business. You don't necessarily have to squeeze her arm to achieve that, in most cases a firm voice will do.
Have some confidence in your parenting. When you do, your children will sense it and will listen when you need them to.
And please please don't second guess yourself as a mother. Your children will sense that "fear" to and will take full advantage.
These are your children. Hashem gave them to you so you are the perfect parent for them. Never apologize for actually parenting your child by putting your foot down about something.

And unless you have actually abused your child please don't listen to amothers who try to get you to doubt yourself.

From experience as the child- this isn’t backbone. This is desperate mommy who doesn’t have self-regulation. And while it gets short-time effects it’s scary as heck to a kid that mommy can’t control herself.
I was ok for years… until I had kids.
I had flashbacks of this type of behavior, other similar reactions, and it actually affected my own parenting instinct.
This isn’t backbone let’s call a spade a spade
ETA- Dr. Becky Kennedy talks about sturdy parenting. Permissive parenting ain’t it and neither is desperate wild parenting.

amother

Eggplant

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 11:55 pm

amother Blushpink wrote:

But OP didn't gently grab her daughters arm. She twisted her arm. And threatened to do it again. And she has locked her daughter in her room in the past. Maybe OP is not an abusive person, but those actions are abusive actions.
And if it doesn't get nipped in the bud fast, it can chas v'shalom quickly spiral in to a cycle of abuse.

amother

Banana

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 11:56 pm

I never never comment on these threads as it’s pointless….other smart people have said smart things, others have said not such smart things. BUT, with all of the abuse cries and the denouncing OP for getting physical, I feel like maybe ppl aren’t realizing the threat of her doing it again is the bigger issue.

I have a 3 year old, I am far from perfect, and have definitely lost my temper (never physical and that was NOT ok, but you know that). But the fact that you told her you will have to do it again if she comes out is the abusive behavior. Not trying to demoralize you just trying to get you to think about the psychological repercussions. A parent losing their temper and apologizing after and really truly working on it is okay (ish).

But having a very young child, or any child, threatened with physical harm if they repeat the offending behavior is horrible! This kid is laying in her bed terrified now instead of feeling safe and secure, which is a basic right for a child in bed.

Really really not demonizing, just saying try to separate the two and not leave emotional damage as well 🙈. And try to get help yes, even if it means just time to yourself to collect your patience before bedtime. 🙏🏻🙏🏻

amother

Butterscotch

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 12:13 am

What time is she going to bed? Is she tired during the day if she goes to bed too late? My oldest has always had a hard time going to sleep. We would spend hours trying to get him to sleep, putting him back in bed, lying with him, promising rewards etc. But he wasn't tired and he would only fall asleep around 10 and the next day he was fine, it wasn't like he wasn't waking up or coming home from school tired. My pediatrician said to start putting him to bed later and don't force bedtime. Now we don't put him to bed until 8:30 and we let him bring toys and books into bed. It isn't perfect and he'll still come out occasionally but it isn't as bad as it was. It's hard because we lose our nights but putting him to bed at 7 was worse. Now if its a really bad night I'll just ignore him. If he comes out, I won't talk to him, won't interact, I'll just let him do what he's doing. Not worth the fight.

amother

Blonde

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 12:14 am

OP is there a way you can have your husband with you at bedtime for one week?
Strategize before using some of the method on this thread?
Even if he has a chavrusa or something that typically keeps him away at this time it’s so much easier to tackle as a team.
Hopefully after a week it’ll get easier and he won’t have to be there as much.
Also are you sleep deprived?
I definitely lose myself more when I’m hungry and tired…

amother

Blush

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 12:43 am

Bedtime can be a hard time for moms. You’re exhausted and your finally done and you wish daughter would go to sleep so you can start your night. I say set yourself up for success before so it’ll likely be easier for you and go smoother…

Make a chart with kids about staying in bed or bedtime routine, let your child bring toys into bed, say a story or play music they like.

Another option that isn’t ideal but will make you less frustrated which will end up making bedtime possitive for your kids is tell her she can come out of bed to play but can’t leave room or you’ll have to put the toys away. She’ll play until she’s too tired and end up going to sleep in her bed and her toys won’t be put around. At least she’ll have a good association with bedtime and you’ll be happy too.

amother

Dimgray

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 12:46 am

First of all, I recommend listening to some Dr Becky Kennedy of “good inside”.

Second of all, remember that you ARE good inside!

Third of all, Repair is huge! You can definitely connect with your daughter tomorrow and do a repair.

In terms of the future - Dr Becky. You can start with her podcasts and you can also join her membership program where you can listen to her workshops AND ask questions in the community.

(No they don’t pay me to advertise but I think it could be really helpful. I’ve learned a lot from her.)

Also, working on your own emotional regulation could be super helpful. (She was workshops on that too or in therapy or inner child work.

Remember you are not bad. I’ve done parenting things that I regret. Most people have.

NechaMom

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 1:15 am

amother OP wrote:

With my 3yo tonight. How many times can I have patience for her when she keeps getting out of bed. I gently twisted her arm and told her I'll have to do it again if she gets out of bed. It worked. I tried everything else nothing worked

Didn’t read through the thread. So forgive me if it was mentioned.
Please do everything it takes so you should never get close to doing that again. Whether it’s anger management classes, parenting classes, self care, your DH helping more, etc.
Nothing okay about twisting a 3 year old’s arm. Now that it’s done, you must apologize to her. Kids are forgiving. Especially if it won’t happen again.
Question. Did she recently transfer from a crib to a bed? My kids used to go wild with the newfound freedom and didn’t know how to stay in bed. Eventually they learned to stay in bed. Without twisting their arms or feet. You can do it too.

#BestBubby

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 1:50 am

I will give the old fashioned answer.

I don't think giving a potch is abuse,

But twisting arms is not parental

I would give a warning, the next time you come out you will get a potch.

Or I would say if you come out again I will lock the door for 5 minutes. Then I would unlock the door and say if you come out again the door stays locked.

I remember my father scaring us when we repeatedly came out of bed.

He would come into our room and smack the wall three times with his belt and leave without a word. We were too scared to come out again after that. I think Rabbi Herman also did this in All for the Boss.

I do not believe in modern parenting where kids can disobey with no consequences. And little kids need an immediate consequence.