Call me a mean mommy but I was at my wits end

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Linen

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:32 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

I have said several times that she should seek professional help. I also posted that she should take BC till she gets said help.
And I think she should tell her husband about it tonight and see what he has to say about it.

It's not what you are saying. It's how you are saying it. It sounds like you've sounded a bunch of fire alarms. With lots of !!!!

amother

Eggplant

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

I have tried this. And at this point it's turned into a game and she keeps doing it. I thought by ignoring her and figuring she's not tired she'll eventually get tired. But last night she was up very late and I didn't want a repeat

It takes afew days and tons of patience.

amother

Eggplant

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:33 pm

amother Linen wrote:

It's not what you are saying. It's how you are saying it. It sounds like you've sounded a bunch of fire alarms. With lots of !!!!

This situation warrants a bunch of fire alarms. Especially if it's not a one time thing & she threatened to do it again.

CPenzias

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:34 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

And telling her that her child will forgive by morning, will just make her not feel bad about doing it again.

Girrrl, you're lashing out at everyone. And in all honesty, you haven't given one piece of constructive advice. I'm sorry for whatever you've endured in your life but maybe go to sleep.

amother

Eggplant

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:36 pm

CPenzias wrote:

Girrrl, you're lashing out at everyone. And in all honesty, you haven't given one piece of constructive advice. I'm sorry for whatever you've endured in your life but maybe go to sleep.

BH I haven't endured anything.
I just feel very deeply & my heart is aching for this little girl.

CPenzias

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:41 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

BH I haven't endured anything.
I just feel very deeply & my heart is aching for this little girl.

So is mine. I'm not saying the child will just forget. Obviously if this keeps happening it's a huge problem. I'm saying learn from it and figure out a solution so it doesn't happen again.
I think we're of the same mindset but she can't go back in time so move forward. What can she do to make bedtime easier so this absolutely does not ever happen again...

amother

Eggplant

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:43 pm

CPenzias wrote:

I wonder if imamother can really be of help.
Because OP did say that she did lock her child in to her room in the past.
Seems like she can use some parenting classes from someone that really top of the line.

amother

Linen

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:45 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

This is constructive.

Does anyone have good recommendations for OP?

Tzutzie

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:45 pm

Rappel wrote:

Super Nanny gave me a solution, years ago. Basically, your child is seeking the reward of your attention, even negative attention. So there's a way to fix that

Here goes:

When I need to train a child to stay in bed, I set myself up with a pen, paper, and a reward I like (chocolate!)

First time I put the child to bed, they get the full ceremony (shema, hug, words) etc.

Second time, I say a short sentence like "it's sleep time now" as I place them back in bed.

After that, I place them back in bed without any words (read: attention), and without any emotion. Often not even eye contact. My affect is boredom.

Along the way, I mark a tally chart, and I reward myself for each tally.

The first night, my kid can get out of bed 40-50 times. The second night it can drop to 12. Third night, 7. 4th , 5th, 6th? Congratulations, your kid is bedtime trained!

This solution saved my sanity, and allows me be a kind mother. Use it and enjoy!

I don't watch supernanny. But a book I once read on the nurtured heart approach mentioned about not giving any negative energy and attention to children's negative or inappropriate behaviors.
I've done similar for my kids. "Its time for sleep" the first 2 times and then patiently, calmly and firmly direct them back to bed. I find walking them to bed to be more powerful then picking them up. One kid got so frustrated poor her she yelled "Fine!!!!! I'll stay in bed becuase you anyways put me back in!" Confused

Um, that's exactly what I wanted.
But it took more like 20-25 times. Your kid is STUBBORN! I love when kids stand their ground. Stubborn kids are usually the ones who grow up to go far in life.
One of my kids is VERY stubborn. When I want to pull my hair out, I try to remember, it's a good middah, iyh one day she'll use it for the right reasons. Ironically this kid was the kid who was toilet trained in 6 hours (probably due to her stubborness too!) and rarely if ever came out of bed. If she did, she'd likely still be awake without any sleep to this day.... 🤣

Op, PLEASE do not lock your 3 year old into her room. Please do not twist her arm for her to stay in bed.

Please do get yourself a parenting mentor STAT.

It sounds like you are really struggling with your child. And very obviously you don't want to hurt her. If you didn't care, you wouldn't post it here. If you are still reading this post, please go give her a gentle kiss in her sleep. I believe our children can feel our love even in their sleep. Then go and set a reminder on your phone for tomorrow at 9 am to go about finding a parenting mentor. I promise you you will not regret it.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:47 pm

amother OP wrote:

With my 3yo tonight. How many times can I have patience for her when she keeps getting out of bed. I gently twisted her arm and told her I'll have to do it again if she gets out of bed. It worked. I tried everything else nothing worked

I understand your frustration but what are you teaching her when you do that?
Tomorrow she will do it on someone else.
You are going through a rough patch, please seek help IRL.

effess

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:48 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

If OP has abusive tendencies and behaviors, then talking nice to her on imamother won't help her. She needs serious professional help. For the sake of her children.

It’s possible that you are incorrect. Being that we don’t know, let’s assume she’s not evil, and speaking to her like a mensch will produce the best results.

amother

Puce

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:50 pm

I don't think your abusive. I think you acted out of desperation. I had one child who didn't go to sleep nicely nor sleep through the night till he was ten. I tried everything. He would yell and not let anyone else sleep so we all suffered. It's very hard.
On the other hand, three is very little and you often need to lay there till they are asleep. My three year old has always slept in a bed but I am there with her till she falls asleep and get her when she gets up at night. (Doesn't sleep through the night).
I know you want her to learn to go to sleep in her own but she may just not be ready yet honestly.

amother

Almond

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

She has a normal bedtime consisting of a book, shema, kiss, tucked in and a cd to listen to. She has a weighted blanket which doesn't even help. She gets right back out of bed and runs around wild until I send her back to bed. She does it as a game. Idk what else to do. She doesn't understand the concept of a reward chart.

Melatonin
Earlier nap time

amother

Emerald

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:55 pm

Hi op, I truly feel you, I’m an amazing mother I really try my best im really connected to my kids but I have had these moments that I couldn’t control myself and was physical it really hurts me, I don’t hit. I discussed it with my therapist a few times she said if a mother always try’s her best but makes mistakes here and there and apologizes afterwards it doesn’t leave an effect

amother

Hunter

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 10:59 pm

amother Almond wrote:

Melatonin
Earlier nap time

I don't think OP said she still has nap in the day.

Though if she does then of course it makes sense she doesn't get to sleep at night! Most kids have already dropped it by this age.

My two year old is like this when he naps for more than ten minutes during the day. Hyper and impossible to get to bed before close to midnight.

amother

Blushpink

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 11:02 pm

amother Cyan wrote:

Absolutely abusive. Your daughter will be in therapy when she is older.
Please do yourself a favor and get yourself or your child to therapy.
The last thing she needs is you getting upset because she feels scared. She’s coming to you so much bc you are her comfort.
You need to state her feeling. “You are worried now.. what can I do to make you feel safe without coming out of the room?”

I’m horrified.

Is this serious or facetious.
I hope facetious.
OP your daughter will be fine. She needs a mommy with a little backbone who does not overthink every action that she does. I'm not saying you always have to get physical but children can sense when mommy is really serious and when they can "get away with it". Once you squeezed her arm she could see you meant business. You don't necessarily have to squeeze her arm to achieve that, in most cases a firm voice will do.
Have some confidence in your parenting. When you do, your children will sense it and will listen when you need them to.
And please please don't second guess yourself as a mother. Your children will sense that "fear" to and will take full advantage.
These are your children. Hashem gave them to you so you are the perfect parent for them. Never apologize for actually parenting your child by putting your foot down about something.

And unless you have actually abused your child please don't listen to amothers who try to get you to doubt yourself.

amother

Scarlet

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 11:03 pm

Every family and every child has a different dynamic and needs. I'll share what works for my family see if you can adapt it for yours.

For us the hardest part was keeping them in bed. They always had to tell us one more thing and then they just stayed out. The juiciest news tidbits always come up after their tucked in, so we instituted 'schmoozing time' as part of our bedtime routine. After Shema I lay in their bed for around 2 min and they tell me about their day or anything else thats on their mind. Once I see they ran out of things I say that was great we'll schmooze more tomorrow and that's it no more attention/communication for the night.

I sit in the hallway right outside their room for around 5 min. I find they settle quicker this way and they're not trying to sneak out because they know I'm there.

If they come out of bed the answer to whatever they ask is 'tomorrow morning'. (They have water near their beds and they dont need to ask to go to the bathroom). Ma today morah said.... or could I dress up as a fireman for purim etc they know I will not engage I just send them back to bed. If they're really pushing my buttons I'll threaten with losing their schmoozing time the next day.

amother

Sand

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 11:11 pm

Why did you post what you did? To get validation it's ok to do that? NOT ok

amother

Cappuccino

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 11:12 pm

amother Blushpink wrote:

First piece of sane advice.

In Imamother land, everyone is perfect, and if you dont toe the line you are crazy and something is wrong with you.
IRL we are all nuanced, and that includes making mistakes.

I assume the reason OP posted was not because she is a psychopath, and wants to let us know about how she harms her kids.
OP is a real person who is at her wits end, and obviously feels bad for what she did. And that is fine and healthy. You can still use this opportunity to learn different methods which might or might not work for your scenario.

amother

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 11:12 pm

Can someone pls link or suggest a good winding down toy she can play in bed?

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