I got a nice new car- everyone is commenting

Cheiny

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 12:58 pm

amother Pumpkin wrote:

I'm very confused by the responses here
How is a SUV fancy?

When our Sienna lease was over, pilots were the cheapest then like 200 cheaper than mini vans so we got a pilot
Yes I like it alot better than a minivan
I felt little uncomfortable driving it at first . We're so so yeshivish ...at this point we're used to it no big deal

So I hear the discomfort but the replies here sounds like u got the latest tesla?!

Obviously people don’t comment about a Toyota or Honda SUV, so it must be she got a very expensive luxury one. I don’t think it would be as in your face if it wasn’t in addition to many other luxury items being shown on the outside…

We can all say how we fargin and don’t understand others being nosy, curious, jealous, whatever… but I’ve seen both sides many times, and no, it’s not easy for someone struggling financially to see someone else with many luxury items. There is a reason the Torah advises against inviting ayin hara… Because human nature is such that people can get jealous, and others may resent and feel bad about their own deprivation while seeing their neighbors easily paying for luxuries while they can’t afford to pay tuition, etc. People are human with various challenges, faults and weaknesses.

amother

Brass

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 1:01 pm

Cheiny wrote:

And that’s very different from splurging on many outer luxuries which everyone can see… no one sees or knows how much you spend on your cleaning he,p or household conveniences. Cars, jewelry and clothes are different.

But even that doesn’t mean anything. A relative of mine is extremely poor but has a nice car. His BIL has a leasing company and gave him the car for an extremely reduced rate. My sister won a diamond necklace from a school auction while she was at her worst financially. As yidden we should be trying to be DLKZ in any situation where we might think poorly of others

amother

Linen

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 1:06 pm

Lovable wrote:

Ladies.
One of the aseres hadibros is LO SACHMOD

Over and over again, Imas on Imamother seems to forget that very conveniently
And even if someone IS flaunting (which I do not believe Op is doing) , YOU still need to learn to fargin. OK? Being a jew is not easy.
Dont point fingers. Point at yourself and ask yourself, why does this bother me? I need to work on my jealousy

BTW no one is mechuyav to move to a new community every time the wheel of fortune turns. What we DO need to do is work on learning to fargin.

Signed,
An Ima who has many wealthy friends and is happy for them. And constantly working on herself too

There is also a mitzvah of Lifnei Iver Lo Sitein Michshol. And since jealousy is a very common midah people need to work on, flaunting is essentially a stumbling block in front of someone who is almost guaranteed to fall over it.

Yes, we all have what to work on. But it's unfair to put it all on one side. Not on the purchasers who have to make difficult choices, and not on the watchers who see others with unimaginable (to them) luxuries while they struggle with basics.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 1:06 pm

amother Brass wrote:

Totally!

So if asked, OP can answer "I will forgive you for asking and I hope you can forgive me for not answering".

B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 1:07 pm

amother Linen wrote:

Your post made me so sad.

Cheiny

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 1:08 pm

Lovable wrote:

And again, just advising to “learn to fargin” is overly simplistic as if it’s so easy for certain people.
Think someone who has to shnorrer outside to gather up enough money to feed their kids. So should she “just learn to fargin?” Another good middah is putting oneself in another’s shoes before easily judging and saying, “just get over it.”

Cheiny

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 1:10 pm

amother Natural wrote:

Sometimes people like cars and it’s like an interest or hobby for them not for other people to comment or ooh and ah about it. They just enjoy cars and drive fancy cars because they’re fast and fun to drive. The cars are easy conversation topics , someone might comment on it to make conversation with you. It doesn’t mean they care that much about the car or your finances.

I agree, sometimes people are just into cars as a hobby, but I’m not referring to those people. I’m referring to those who use a luxury name as a status symbol, and that is usually due to insecurity or low self esteem, and a need for attention/people to notice.

BeHappy!

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 1:11 pm

amother Oleander wrote:

This. If I saw someone I gave tzedakah to in the past now living with luxuries I don't have- yes- I would not fargin. Unless the person gave back massive amounts to the tzedakah organization.

And you would know if they gave a lot of tzedakah, how?
Assume they did, fargin and move on.

groovy1224

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 1:12 pm

Lovable wrote:

You're right, but OP hasn't specified what these comments actually are.

If someone comes over and says 'Wooowwww nice car, fancy pants,' the comment may be annoying but they aren't necessarily jealous. They might just be...commenting on your nice car. In a slightly awkward/uncomfortable way.

Cheiny

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 1:12 pm

amother Brass wrote:

For sure, but my point was, when it’s a showy luxury car, plus dripping diamond jewelry, all designer clothes, even on young children, etc., that’s when it’s something else.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 1:12 pm

Cheiny wrote:

I have a job for her, please have her PM me.

Lovable

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 1:16 pm

Cheiny wrote:

Please reread my posts. I specifically wrote that working on ones middos is NOT EASY
Also, that Lo Sachmod is literally a commandment from G-D Alone.
SO is not flaunting, but what is up with the pointing fingers all around, wht happened with looking into yourself?? (talking to myself as well)
Life is not easy. Not at all. A Childless couple should expect everyone to hide their babies when in public? I dont get it. AT ALL

Lovable

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 1:19 pm

groovy1224 wrote:

Op literally wrote "Since I got it I’ve been getting lots of comments as if I’m stealing from someone. Some say it jokingly, some say it out of jealousy"

groovy1224

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 1:21 pm

Lovable wrote:

Op literally wrote "Since I got it I’ve been getting lots of comments as if I’m stealing from someone. Some say it jokingly, some say it out of jealousy"

okay..she still never said what the comments were.

Trademark

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 1:48 pm

amother Oleander wrote:

This. If I saw someone I gave tzedakah to in the past now living with luxuries I don't have- yes- I would not fargin. Unless the person gave back massive amounts to the tzedakah organization.

The level of not fargining on the site is unbelievable. Just because someone took at one point in their life tzedakah doesn't mean that they have to live eternally on poverty level standards.

My default assumption is that every Yid that can gives tzedakah, so why wouldn't she? She doesn't have to give you a din vcheshbon for the rest of her life because she "made the mistake"of being poor in the past.

And it's not like she bought the car to be ostentatious she bought it because she's more comfortable with it. One is allowed to buy something that makes it easier for themselves.
You know there's a concept to give tzedakah to a person just because he asked without verifying. We hope that Hashem "fargins" us and doesn't scrutinize us so closely.

amother

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 2:27 pm

amother Smokey wrote:

Clearly there are women on imamother who are just as jealous as the people in OPs life..

OP at the end of the day, you can’t control other people’s feelings or what comments they make. If you are not being purposefully insensitive, you are not shoving anything in anyone’s face or are not trying to hurt anyone, then you are not doing anything wrong. There is nothing wrong with spending your money how you want. The biggest issue I see you have is that you feel guilty, like you don’t deserve it. Like I said, you can’t control how others feel, but you can control how you do. Learn to accept what you have, learn to stop apologizing for it. Once you do, you won’t care what people say to you, I promise.

I personally have a lot of extravagant things, but I’m careful about how I present myself in certain situations to be sensitive to people who I know it can hurt. I don’t feel bad for what I have though, and when someone makes comments to me, all I feel is bad for them. Whether rich or poor, at least I’ll always have my middos, and never try to put someone down for having things I don’t have.

I like this and It’s true. Thank you for your perspective.

Orangehead

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 2:34 pm

amother Linen wrote:

You can literally be jealous of anything in life. Also, where did OP say she was flaunting her new car?

amother

Linen

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 2:41 pm

Orangehead wrote:

You can literally be jealous of anything in life. Also, where did OP say she was flaunting her new car?

She didn't, and I probably should not have used that word. But buying a car that costs twice as much as anyone else's in the neighborhood is quite possibly Lifnei Iver for jealousy even if you don't flaunt it.

Not saying I wouldn't do it, I might if I felt it was justified. But I wouldn't be surprised that people are jealous.

An unfair comparison: I have a nice sized family. Obviously I'm not flaunting my kids, I just have them. And there's nothing wrong with me answering "how many kids do you have" with the real number.

But if I accidentally walked into a convention of women with SIF who all have 1 or 2 children not by choice, it would be problematic for me to casually answer the same exact question.

I don't know OP, I don't know her community, I don't know if her car is really a big deal or it's mostly in her head. But I don't think it's right to say that people get jealous so do whatever you want anyhow. It's not true.